"I Never Expected to Inspire Others" as printed on www.SparkPeople.com

"I Never Expected to Inspire Others"
Weight Loss Led to a Meaningful Moment with My Son
-- By Audri, SparkPeople Member

One day my soul woke up and it was fat! It didn't happen overnight; I wasn't always fat. I had spent the last 11 years eating emotionally. It started with my husband's death. We had been newlyweds. Emotional eating stayed with me long after my wounds began to heal and even after I remarried. It had become a habit. And even though I knew I was hurting myself, I felt powerless to overcome it. Food had control over my life for years, but finally, I decided to live differently. From somewhere came a glimmer of hope that my life could be different.

Then SparkPeople showed up with a soft knock and an invitation: "Can Audri come out and play?" This began a journey of self-discovery I never could have imagined. You see, I didn't realize that year after year, my personality and my future were slowly being buried under a growing layer of fat!

SparkPeople helped me realize for the first time that to be successful I had to make some serious changes. It wasn't enough to make a New Year's resolution and hope for the best. I had to commit to being different…but first I had to believe it was possible. So I started with what I knew to be true. I knew I had not always been fat. I knew others had overcome even greater weight obstacles than mine. Mostly, I knew that through my faith, I could do anything. After acknowledging these things, I felt prepared to commit to whatever it took to conquer myself. Within a week, I came up with the four strategies I would use to set myself up for success.

First, I assessed my battle with food in an honest way. My "If they don't see me eat it, it doesn't count" attitude had to go! Using the Nutrition Tracker, I took a close look at my food choices and it opened my eyes! Over time, I chose to eliminate caffeine, table salt, alcohol, sodas and excessively high fat, high-calorie foods from my diet. Some were harder to let go than others were, but one by one they fell by the wayside in exchange for healthier options.

Second, I stopped hiding my struggle. Those who loved me had known all along anyway—my size 18 wasn't a good disguise. I was only fooling myself. I realized I had fallen into a habit of secretly losing a little weight with the hope that others would notice. When they didn't, I became discouraged and eventually quit. I decided to try a different approach and bring God, my family and friends into the program with me. This way, I was encouraged and held accountable. Eventually, I joined a SparkTeam and even started one of my own.

Third, I set my goals. I set concrete short, medium and long-term goals based on my interests. Some I knew were attainable, like doing cardio four days each week. Some were a stretch, like climbing Mt. Fuji someday—something that would take a lot of hard work to reach. I needed to have something on the horizon to aim at, a target. It was important for it to be realistic enough that I could focus on it instead of my overall weight loss goal. If I had begun by focusing on losing the whole 70 pounds, I would have become overwhelmed and possibly given up.

Fourth, I put a concrete plan in motion to help me succeed. I wrote out my plan on my SparkPage to keep myself accountable. This included making my Nutrition and Fitness Trackers public so others could see what I was tracking. I devoted myself to following my plan, even on the days when I wanted to quit. I determined there were only two choices: to quit or continue. And quitting wasn't an option.

Along the way, a funny thing happened. I found me! Each honest step I took loosened the control food had over me. Once I began to see the fruits of my labor, I realized that I could have done it all along. I had been making excuses and giving away my freedom to choose a better life. Through overcoming the old me, I realized that my personality had been stifled. I wasn't energetic enough to be on the outside the person I was on the inside. Now, I have a zeal that was lost for years. I am alive! I've even tackled new physical challenges and along the way come to think of myself as an athlete. In August, I climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji. And in November, my whole family decided to run the Marine Corps-sponsored Toys for Tots 5K on Yokosuka Naval Base. I'll never forget what happened between my son and me that day.

The horn blew and we started at a good clip, with my young son jogging easily and setting a good pace. It wasn't long before he was ready to slow down a little, and not long after that, he was ready to quit altogether. He had brought a lime green bandanna to wear around his neck but had taken it off. As he was about to give up, I took the bandanna from him and grasped one end tightly. Handing him the other end, I said, "Come on, I won't let go. We can do it together every step of the way." I wanted so desperately for him to overcome all that held him back and simply persevere to the end.

I spoke to him of children who would benefit from what we were doing and of those who walk more than five kilometers just to get a drink of dirty water. We spoke of climbing Mt. Fuji and other challenges that life still holds ahead of us. I pulled and pushed him. I cheered for him. I empathized with him. I shared bits and pieces of life wisdom with him. This was not the first time I had told him that I believe in him, that "You can do it!" Even still, today was different. Today was that opportunity for him to rise above something bigger than he was, and not just to call himself a conqueror, but also to feel it in his spirit.

During the last leg, as we could see the finish line, I was giving him a pep talk. I wish I could recall the exact words I said to him at that moment, but I'll never forget his response: "Yeah, just like YOU believe in me." At that moment, my heart swelled with love and hope. Hope that he will embrace those words and grow to be a confident man who does not fear life's challenges. He confirmed that he does truly listen to me and believes me when I tell him, "I believe in you."

As we neared the finish line, he told me he was ready to sprint. He let go of the green bandanna we had carried together for the last 3 miles and we sprinted together to the finish line. During the whole race, he never stopped moving forward—not once. He had ups and downs, but he never quit. And as we crossed that finish line side-by-side, he became a little more of the adult I will someday know him to be.

After grabbing some water and finding my husband, we stood together to listen to the race results. My softhearted 8-year-old son said to me, "That was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it." In that moment, I learned the most beautiful truth: Today he came to believe in himself, like SparkPeople helped me believe in myself. This would have never happened had I not wrestled with my food and exercise demon and come out victorious, believing in myself. This moment was made possible by SparkPeople and one life changed—no, make that two.

I realized that perhaps the greatest consequence of my weight loss (60 pounds to date) is that I have the ability to help others in a meaningful way. I never thought I would see the day when others would call me an inspiration. Living as a fat person enabled me to relate better to the struggles of others. I guess those 11 "fat" years weren't completely wasted after all.

Forward . . . March!

Last night I headed to the gym anxious to get back to running. It was going to be the first time doing a run since I delivered the twins in July. I needed to see where I was starting from so I would know how far I have to go in order to be ready for a 12 mile run on January 1st. That's my next lofty goal - to run from Yokohama to Yokosuka.

I've nursed a groin injury since the last trimester of my pregnancy, so I knew I would be starting slow. Additionally, I'm carrying much more weight than I was when I was running an 8 minute mile before my pregnancy. In fact, I'm carrying almost 40 pounds more.

I'm telling all of this to make a record of where I was when this process began. I am going to do something considered taboo in our society. Yes, I'm going to publicly state my weight. I know. I'm a woman and women aren't supposed to do that - ever - right? Well, I'm a firm believer that a person cannot heal from anything they can't say out loud. Saying it out loud breaks it's power over you, no matter what it is. I weigh 186 pounds. That number suddenly looks really large to me.

Furthermore, this is what I learned at the gym. My groin is still sore, but it's not terrible. My first go round on the treadmill yielded disappointment for me. I wound up running a mile in 15:22. Wow, that certainly is not where I was at pre-pregnancy, but we all have to start somewhere!

Now that I know where I'm at, I have some goals to shoot for. I'm going to focus on lowering my run time for the mile incrementally. I'm going to start working for speed and continue until mid-November. At that time, I'll begin working on distance. Assuming my groin injury continues to heal, I don't think January 1st is unrealistic for my 12 mile run. Once that is under my belt, I'll be focusing on training for the Marine Corps Marathon in November.

My muscles are super sore from weight training two days ago. YES! It lets me know I'm alive and making forward progress! I'm definitely not Superwoman and I've never been a runner, but no one is going to lose this weight for me. So tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not, I'll be planting myself in my livingroom, weights and stability ball on hand. I'll take another step forward and give it all I've got!

Did Those Words Really Come Out of My Mouth?

Yesterday, I mapped my nutrition for the whole day before ever taking a bite. I found myself short on protein in my meal planning for the day, so I made some adjustments that included eating a boiled egg as a part of my evening snack. When the evening came, I announced to my husband that I was headed to the kitchen to eat a boiled egg for a snack. My husband, who is notorious for his evening snacks of Ben & Jerry's, chips, nachos, pie, and the like, could only say, "That's really weird." I said I guess that WOULD seem weird if you think of eating in any terms other than fueling your body.

I had a growth moment, an epiphany! Did those words really come out of MY mouth? I realized I've completely changed the way I think about food. For more than 30 years, eating was all about what I was "in the mood" for. How often have I said those words, "What are you in the mood to have for dinner?" I didn't realize I was going about it all the wrong way. The question all along should have been, "What does my body need that I haven't given it enough of today?"

Fast forward . . . my husband called me today after his workout and said in spite of his consistent weekly fitness routine, he is not seeing any progress in his run and is feeling sluggish during his workouts. Voila, the opportunity for an inroad! I asked if it could be a combination of low water consumption and a lack of appropriate levels of carbs and protein. He acknowledged as much and I began to see a glimmer of hope. Maybe his thinking is going to shift now as he takes steps to boost his performance.

We all have goals, some spoken, some not. What I have ultimately come to realize is that I'm not going to get where I'm wanting to go if I'm not paying attention to how I'm fueling my body. Food . . . it's like the fuel in my car . . . I have to pay attention to keep the tank from running dry so that it gets me where I need to go!

You Just Get Better All the Time

One day while I was listening to music in my livingroom, my son walked in. The song, "You just get better all the time," came on. My loving son smiled at me and stepped into my arms. As we swayed to the the music, he only smiled up at me with the sweetest smile. If I could have frozen that moment in time.

My son considers that "our song" now. Everytime it plays, he gives me a knowing look and a smile - and occasionally we dance. On a recent evening, I went up to take a long, soaking, hot bath. He had prepared my iPod so that when I hit play that song would be the first I heard. He said to me that I deserved to relax after taking care of him and the twins all day.

One day I asked him why he likes that song so much and he said "it reminds me of you." Isn't that the way it is? Others see us in ways we can't even begin to see ourselves. Sometimes what our children see is the purest assessment of who we truly are. Sometimes what they see is convicting. Whether we're at our highest or lowest, they still have the amazing ability to accept us wherever we are. At times I've thought that everything I've never needed to know, I could learn from my nine year-old son. Maybe all of us could take a lesson from our kids. Are there parts of ourselves we refuse to accept? Ways we beat ourselves up instead of forgiving our faults or shortcomings and finding a better way to be, to live?

Here are the lyrics:

You just get better all the time
Darlin' don't you change a thing
Lately you're the only song I wanna sing
And you're my reason to try
You just get sweeter every day
The little things you do and say
If only you could see you through my eyes
You just get better all the time

Oh, and I get the feelin' we can make it baby
As long as you are by my side
You're the music in my ears
The laughter when the tears
Are fallin' down in my life

And on down through the years
You never tried to change my ways
You never made me feel
I had to say "I'm sorry"

You just get better all the time
Why just today I heard you read my mind
That kinda magic is so hard to find
You just get better all the time

The funny thing is this reminds me of my son. Each time I listen to this song, I'm inspired to be a better Mama. Each time, I'm reminded that he sees so much more positive in me than I see in myself. And I realize a little more the meaning of love and grace.

There are No Shortcuts to Any Place Worth Going

How true it is - there are no shortcuts to any place worth going. This is the kind of thing my mom would have said to me when I was growing up. It's the kind of thing I now say to my nine year-old son. It also reminds me of something the late Yogi Berra said, "If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up some place else."

But how many of us really know where we're going? We so often let life happen to us without so much as lifting a finger. Let's be honest with ourselves and each other. Our decisions wind up being made for us, leaving us free to complain that some other force took away our choice. We leave our goals open to interpretation by others because we choose not to make them concrete and tangible. For example, we say we're trying to get healthy, eat better, and get more exercise, all in the name of losing weight. Then, instead of creating a plan to lose that weight, we throw caution to the wind. We wind up out with friends, at work with coworkers, or having a potluck at church, etc. without a firm plan. When that happens, we allow the presence of others, their unhealthy choices, peer pressure, and our own solidified, bad habits to dictate that we are going to throw away the little mental plan we have and we're going to call it "no will power" or "no motivation" or something along those lines. The truth is, we just set ourselves up for failure.

Every job has it's tools. A mechanic wouldn't be without his wrenches. A policeman wouldn't be without his gun. A teacher wouldn't be without a lesson plan. The list goes on. . . The point is, we can't do this job of turning our lives, our weight, around if we don't use the tools we need. What are some of the tools vital for weight loss? This list is not all-inclusive, but a great start.
1. a well thought-out, written out, plan (i.e. your SPARK PAGE)
2. a person or people to support said plan (i.e. SPARK PEOPLE!)
3. a kitchen stocked with healthy food options
4. an arsenal of strength and cardio fitness ideas
5. water
6. sleep

Isn't it time to take the steps necessary to insure we succeed? If there is a tool at our disposal that we haven't tried and yet we say we "can't do it", are "tired of not making progress", or "nothing I do makes a difference", then we are cheating ourselves. It's just a matter of finding the right combination of motivating factors. Things like:
Healthy foods we can enjoy.
Fitness activities we can get excited to do.
Inspiration that strikes a cord for us.

The work will be hard, but will be incredibly rewarding as you see yourself make progress through a serious effort. Don't expect to give only a fraction of effort and reap serious rewards. Know where you're going. Know how to get there. And avoid the shortcuts and quick fixes. In the end, you will find yourself right where you meant to be. Remember, it's a place worth going. Make a plan and get there!

Delayed Obedience is Disobedience

Tonight I said to my son, "Delayed obedience is disobedience." Moments after I said those words it occurred to me that I am guilty of the same. What have I delayed that is causing me to be disobedient? How long have I delayed? In some cases only moments have passed. In other cases, years have passed. In still others, my whole life has slipped by without so much as a glimmer of obedience. For example, God has been tugging on my heart and calling me to sing for Him for years. Have I pursued singing with anything other than casual desire? Sadly, no. Why is that? In fact, why do we delay any of the things we do? For me, I think it's fear. Fear of doing that thing I love the most, that I've poured most of myself into, and being told it's still not good enough.

And how often have I given myself a pass on going to the gym instead of obediently going? Too often! Am I throwing out my health and fitness and treating my body like a trashcan more often than not? Are we afraid of never being able to accomplish the goal we've set for ourselves - often some arbitrary number on a scale? How do you overcome the fear of failure and with courage step forward and receive whatever awaits? If I ultimately fail to achieve some arbitrary marker for success, that doesn't mean I have failed. Along the way I will become more of who I am supposed to be. I will gain so much more from simply taking the step and believing that what I'm doing is the right thing, the healthy thing.

So what about that arbitrary marker for success - a number on the scale. We strive like mad to reach that number. Sometimes we do it hoping to succeed, but expecting to fail. We set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are what we think we are, either failure, or success. If we reach one number shy of the one we're shooting for on that scale, but have still lost 40 pounds, are we really a failure? Of course not!

Maybe it's time to shed the fear of failure, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of discomfort, fear of disappointment (either our own or someone else's), and simply take that step forward. We have to believe that we are moving in the right direction - striving for something great than ourselves...and for something greater than that number on our scale. Remember that the journey is more important than the destination.

Incentives (A.K.A. Motivation)

The long wait is finally over as I delivered my twins in July. The doctor cleared me to get back to my fitness routine and I have to admit, walking back into the fitness center wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be. Being sleep-deprived with newborns and feeling sluggish from the extra weight I'm now carrying left me feeling "unmotivated." Then I decided to take away my choice for anything other than change.

Now-a-days we all have too many choices. Come on. How many salad dressings do we really need to choose from? So I decided that there was only one choice to make - to move in the only direction I could that would make me healthy. That included getting my workout clothes on and going to the gym. Once I thought of it in terms of "the decision is already made", all I had to do was comply. How easy is that - to comply? It should be easy. I'm only acting in accordance with my own wish, which is to lose this weight. That's all complying is.

I started thinking about motivation and questioned whether I had it or not. I may have even written on this subject before. Don't many of us say those words, "I'm just not motivated."? What does that mean? To have no motivation. We need to understand what motivation truly is before we can say unequivocally that we don't have it.

The root word for motivation is "motive". In the dictionary, motive is referred to as something that "causes a person to act in a certain way or do a certain thing", an "incentive." It also says a motive is "the goal or object of a person's actions."

SHAZAM! I do have it! In fact, according to this definition, we ALL have motivation. For some of us, our incentive is to reach a certain dress or pant size. For others, our incentive is to reach for another cookie. We cannot use the age old excuse that we "have no motivation." That's a crock. The choice is ours.

What will be the goal or object of our actions. Is our goal to stay comfortably on the couch watching our favorite show? Is our goal to eat that comfort food because it takes away our pain or our boredom? Is our goal to save ourselves from disappointment because the task of losing weight seems insurmountable? We're all motivated by something. What is your incentive - A.K.A. - motivation?

I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that my incentives include: being healthy, feeling great, living longer, setting a good example for my kids and others, and building my confidence. These ARE my motivation and they only scratch the surface. Of course, looking good and getting an occasional cat call from my husband isn't a bad incentive either. Now it's just a matter of developing a plan to achieve these things.

To that end, I'm back to my tried and true formula. The one that helped me shed 61 pounds before I became pregnant with the twins. The great thing is that it's no secret, only healthy food and regular exercise. Who knew it could be that simple. Now all I have to do it simply comply! :) Are you ready and willing to do the same?

Thoughts on the Last Hours of My Pregnancy

In Okinawa, Japan, on Monday morning, July 14, 2009, I'll be wheeled into the OR. Within an hour or so I will be looking at two beautiful little people whom we've waited 36 weeks to meet. At times it has felt as if the waiting would never end. It was the same with Koen - the anticipation. I was compelled to document on this last day, the thoughts and emotions I've experienced in the last 24 hours of waiting. Where do I even begin?

I'm fairly certain this will be the last time I ever experience pregnancy. The thought doesn't make me sad, though I know at many points throughout the rest of my life I will reminisce about the feeling of a child moving inside me. Even now, I see my belly roll to and fro, and as I reach out to connect with one or the other of my children I am filled with awe and wonder. It grips me - a smile spreading across my face. Soon, I think, I will meet you soon . . . and all too soon it will be over, and feel as if the time flew. Isn't that our way? How often do we say, "I can't wait to _____." We find ourselves so wrapped up in wanting to get there that we often lose sight of the preciousness of now. This is the thinking I've embraced over the last week of my pregnancy. I resolved not to wish away these precious moments, but to embrace them and let them mold and shape me.

Before long, our family will morph into a new creation. No longer a family of three, but of five, we will be forging a new path, acutely aware of new personalities, and new dynamics. Some changes will be expected, yet countless others will be the result of trial and error. I'm ready for whatever the moment throws at me. Certainly, I'm much more prepared than I was when Koen was born. I expect to slip up and make mistakes just as I have with Koen, but I'm older and wiser now, and more importantly, I have God directing my life.

The last 36 weeks have brought on a plethora of physical and emotional moments. Physically, I have experienced the following: stretch marks, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and falling, itchiness, food cravings and aversions, sleeplessness, frequent urination, leg cramps, abdominal pain, constipation, swelling of the hands, feet, and ankles, back pain, weight gain, extreme fatigue, round ligament pain, heightened sense of smell, breast soreness, hot flashes, low abdominal swelling, and pelvic congestion syndrome. In addition, my waistline has expanded to 54 inches! It doesn't sound like a walk in the park, yet here I am no worse for the wear. All of these physical manifestations will go away eventually, except for my fading stretch marks, which will closely resemble my memory of these symptoms.

If the physical symptoms are fleeting, the emotions are anything but. Many of these thoughts and questions that linger now will be enduring. For example, how will I juggle teaching three children, what will the challenges be, and how will their personalities help shape me personally, and our family as a whole? We will love each other, but will we like each other as people? Greater than the mood swings and emotionally tinged weepiness is the overwhelming feeling of excitement, nervousness, and hope for the future.

For years a common faulty assumption was that we had only one child because we determined one was enough, or perhaps we had one and decided parenting wasn't our forte. Maybe we just didn't enjoy being parents. Nothing could have been further from the truth and yet I was questioned on a regular basis about having more children and giving Koen siblings. Little did some of these well-intentioned or curious individuals know that we tried for 6.5 years before finally succeeding in having more children. I don't expect this question of having more children to plague me any longer.

Mostly in these last hours, I wonder what each baby will look like. I imagine staring down into their little faces, falling in love with them. What family traits will we see? How much hair will they have? What will their cries sound like? Will they be happy babies like Koen was? I'm marveling at the thought that in mere hours I'm going to be able to hold and nurture them.

What joys and challenges lie ahead? Obviously, I don't know the answer to that question, but I know that whatever they are God will give us the grace to meet them head on. Together as a family, we are charting new territory, laying the groundwork for an amazing future. Those who have known us know that we have spent the last ten years on one "grand adventure" after another. This is not only the next chapter, but one of the biggest adventures of all - parenting. Having Koen as my son has been among the greatest joys of my life. To think that I'm being given the chance to be a Mama again is humbling. It's an overwhelming responsibility, which I will not take for granted. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and blessed beyond measure.

Nearing the Pregnancy Finish Line

I am writing from my hospital bed at the US Naval Hospital in Okinawa. I was admitted on June 8th because I went into preterm labor at 31 weeks. I will be here until I deliver. I'll update my page again once I deliver.

I'm feeling great! The closer I get to delivering, the more excited I get about a number of things. Meeting our babies is of course the most exciting part. In addition, I know it signals the beginning of a new fitness routine. When I had my son in 1999, I wasn't very active, but this time will be different. I have already set new goals to strive for - goals I'm excited to get to work on.

According to my doctor, I should be cleared in time to climb Mt. Fuji again this season. My husband and son are going up at the end of August. I plan to be there as long as I'm cleared to climb. That is going to be the first of many mini-goals I'll be using to hopefully propel myself toward the finish line at the Marine Corps Marathon in the fall of next year.

It's funny, I was looking at my legs a couple days ago. The swelling in my ankles and feet is gone. They are going to be back to running in no time at all. Only this time they'll be hoofing it behind a jogging stroller. I'll be ready to reclaim my body.

This process I'll be going through is all the more exciting because I've done it before. I'm looking forward to seeing the progress and making those milestones again, one dress size at a time. In the end, I know I'm going to be in the best shape of my life! History has shown me how good it feels to be healthy. I seem to glow inside and out when I'm taking care of my body.

The other part that I'm thrilled about is the example I'll be setting for my 9.5-year-old son, as well as my twins. I didn't show my son good fitness and nutrition habits when he was young. It took time to help him adjust his decision-making when it came to food. This time around I know we'll be making better decisions as a family and raising the twins with different habits.

For now, I'm focusing on getting through the next several weeks mostly bed-ridden. My goal here is to challenge and inspire the staff as they take care of me. I want to listen and uplift along the way, be a great patient, and minister to each person who walks through my door. I want to leave behind much more than my used hospital gown. I want to leave a mark.

I hope you all are making a difference in your own lives . . . and leaving your own positive mark on all those you encounter. This is one of the aspects of Spark People that makes it so successful and uplifting.

I wish you all the best in your nutrition, fitness, and making YOUR mark. :)

9 Year-Old's View of Perseverance

On May 30, 2009, I went to the pool with my 9.5 year-old son. He was beyond excited to take his swimming test so that he could earn an orange bracelet entitling him to swim anywhere in the pool without a parental escort. He is definitely coming into his own.

He took his test, passing all three parts easily. This in and of itself is enough to write a paper on perseverance considering its years in the making. However, this is not our story.

Upon securing his bracelet on his arm, he headed for the pool. The moment he stepped to the water slide, a lifeguard blew the whistle calling for a pool break. He walked back to where I was still sitting and parked himself at the picnic table. I was pleased not to hear any complaining. He only sat contemplatively.

During the pool break, another lifeguard walked over to the pool, picked up a water basketball, and began to shoot hoops. The ball would miss and be blown back to the edge by the considerable wind blowing that day. Each time, the young man would pick it up and try again. This repeated perhaps 7 times, each time ending in a missed basket. Eventually, the young man walked away.

My son Koen turned to look and said, "Did he quit?" I said, "Yes." Koen followed with, "That's too bad." I asked him why he thought it was too bad, to which he replied, "His next shot might have been the big one - perseverance is really important, you know."

I sat with a stunned smile on my face. What a moment! My son had finally shown me his understanding of the word perseverance. I'm hopeful for what his future holds. I know he won't be a quitter, that he will push through the difficulties of life knowing with full confidence that he'll get to the other side and be better for it. Again, for him and for me, what a moment.