Thoughts on the Last Hours of My Pregnancy

In Okinawa, Japan, on Monday morning, July 14, 2009, I'll be wheeled into the OR. Within an hour or so I will be looking at two beautiful little people whom we've waited 36 weeks to meet. At times it has felt as if the waiting would never end. It was the same with Koen - the anticipation. I was compelled to document on this last day, the thoughts and emotions I've experienced in the last 24 hours of waiting. Where do I even begin?

I'm fairly certain this will be the last time I ever experience pregnancy. The thought doesn't make me sad, though I know at many points throughout the rest of my life I will reminisce about the feeling of a child moving inside me. Even now, I see my belly roll to and fro, and as I reach out to connect with one or the other of my children I am filled with awe and wonder. It grips me - a smile spreading across my face. Soon, I think, I will meet you soon . . . and all too soon it will be over, and feel as if the time flew. Isn't that our way? How often do we say, "I can't wait to _____." We find ourselves so wrapped up in wanting to get there that we often lose sight of the preciousness of now. This is the thinking I've embraced over the last week of my pregnancy. I resolved not to wish away these precious moments, but to embrace them and let them mold and shape me.

Before long, our family will morph into a new creation. No longer a family of three, but of five, we will be forging a new path, acutely aware of new personalities, and new dynamics. Some changes will be expected, yet countless others will be the result of trial and error. I'm ready for whatever the moment throws at me. Certainly, I'm much more prepared than I was when Koen was born. I expect to slip up and make mistakes just as I have with Koen, but I'm older and wiser now, and more importantly, I have God directing my life.

The last 36 weeks have brought on a plethora of physical and emotional moments. Physically, I have experienced the following: stretch marks, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and falling, itchiness, food cravings and aversions, sleeplessness, frequent urination, leg cramps, abdominal pain, constipation, swelling of the hands, feet, and ankles, back pain, weight gain, extreme fatigue, round ligament pain, heightened sense of smell, breast soreness, hot flashes, low abdominal swelling, and pelvic congestion syndrome. In addition, my waistline has expanded to 54 inches! It doesn't sound like a walk in the park, yet here I am no worse for the wear. All of these physical manifestations will go away eventually, except for my fading stretch marks, which will closely resemble my memory of these symptoms.

If the physical symptoms are fleeting, the emotions are anything but. Many of these thoughts and questions that linger now will be enduring. For example, how will I juggle teaching three children, what will the challenges be, and how will their personalities help shape me personally, and our family as a whole? We will love each other, but will we like each other as people? Greater than the mood swings and emotionally tinged weepiness is the overwhelming feeling of excitement, nervousness, and hope for the future.

For years a common faulty assumption was that we had only one child because we determined one was enough, or perhaps we had one and decided parenting wasn't our forte. Maybe we just didn't enjoy being parents. Nothing could have been further from the truth and yet I was questioned on a regular basis about having more children and giving Koen siblings. Little did some of these well-intentioned or curious individuals know that we tried for 6.5 years before finally succeeding in having more children. I don't expect this question of having more children to plague me any longer.

Mostly in these last hours, I wonder what each baby will look like. I imagine staring down into their little faces, falling in love with them. What family traits will we see? How much hair will they have? What will their cries sound like? Will they be happy babies like Koen was? I'm marveling at the thought that in mere hours I'm going to be able to hold and nurture them.

What joys and challenges lie ahead? Obviously, I don't know the answer to that question, but I know that whatever they are God will give us the grace to meet them head on. Together as a family, we are charting new territory, laying the groundwork for an amazing future. Those who have known us know that we have spent the last ten years on one "grand adventure" after another. This is not only the next chapter, but one of the biggest adventures of all - parenting. Having Koen as my son has been among the greatest joys of my life. To think that I'm being given the chance to be a Mama again is humbling. It's an overwhelming responsibility, which I will not take for granted. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and blessed beyond measure.

9 Year-Old's View of Perseverance

On May 30, 2009, I went to the pool with my 9.5 year-old son. He was beyond excited to take his swimming test so that he could earn an orange bracelet entitling him to swim anywhere in the pool without a parental escort. He is definitely coming into his own.

He took his test, passing all three parts easily. This in and of itself is enough to write a paper on perseverance considering its years in the making. However, this is not our story.

Upon securing his bracelet on his arm, he headed for the pool. The moment he stepped to the water slide, a lifeguard blew the whistle calling for a pool break. He walked back to where I was still sitting and parked himself at the picnic table. I was pleased not to hear any complaining. He only sat contemplatively.

During the pool break, another lifeguard walked over to the pool, picked up a water basketball, and began to shoot hoops. The ball would miss and be blown back to the edge by the considerable wind blowing that day. Each time, the young man would pick it up and try again. This repeated perhaps 7 times, each time ending in a missed basket. Eventually, the young man walked away.

My son Koen turned to look and said, "Did he quit?" I said, "Yes." Koen followed with, "That's too bad." I asked him why he thought it was too bad, to which he replied, "His next shot might have been the big one - perseverance is really important, you know."

I sat with a stunned smile on my face. What a moment! My son had finally shown me his understanding of the word perseverance. I'm hopeful for what his future holds. I know he won't be a quitter, that he will push through the difficulties of life knowing with full confidence that he'll get to the other side and be better for it. Again, for him and for me, what a moment.

Okinawan Cookies & Pizza in the Sky

We took a field trip with a group of homeschooled families to Motobu, Okinawa yesterday. Our first stop was a recreational area called the Motobu Wellness area, where the kids made salt from seawater and traditional Japanese cookies. They all seemed to have a good time making the cookies and an even better time eating them. They tasted a little like sugar cookies and had a different texture and a slightly chalky aftertaste.

The wellness area had a nice beach with volleyball nets set up. There were kayaks and jet skis as well. I'm not sure how it fits in, but they also had a pen full of goats, rabbits, roosters, and hens. Animals, they contribute to our sense of wellness! :)

After our short stop at the wellness area, we made our way up a large hill to a restaurant called Pizza in the Sky, more appropriately known as Cafe Kajinho. We had a group that included eight parents and fifteen kids ranging in age from 2 months to about 16. We converged on this place and it was somewhat of a zoo.

The menus were printed on large Japanese fans, with Japanese on one side and English on the other. It was a very simple menu. For the most part, they have one special pizza they make and people order that. You can get 7" or 14" pizzas. Yesterday, the toppings available were thick pepperoni, onions, green peppers, and corn. I ordered a loaded pizza and was pleasantly surprised that the corn fit right in with my other toppings. The pepperoni had a different sort of spice to it that wasn't hot, but had a wonderful flavor. The crust was somewhere between a thin and hand-tossed crust. Overall an excellent pizza!

The area around the restaurant had heavy foliage. The perimeter was skirted by a wooden fence that wouldn't keep out a goat. On the other side of this fence was a steep drop on three sides of the restaurant. Beyond that drop, the town of Motobu opened up on the horizon, flowing to the sea. It was a beautiful day and from our perch, we had nearly a 180-degree view of the ocean and surrounding hills.

Perhaps the most interesting thing I found on this trip was a certain table at the pizza restaurant. Sitting on the porch overlooking the ocean, I noticed one lone table that stood out. Every other table in the whole place was low to the floor for traditional Japanese seating, but this one was different. It was a large, odd-shaped, thick slab of wood perched atop the metal framework of an old, treadle-style Singer sewing machine. My mom would have loved it but wondered what happened the the sewing machine. :)

I must give a mention to the ice cream we encountered as well. We stopped at a market area and killed some time while waiting for others to arrive. While there, we grabbed some ice cream. Koen had his standard vanilla, but I got adventuresome and went out on a limb with some black sesame ice cream. I was slightly skeptical, but it's what the ladies recommended. I wasn't disappointed! It had an unusual flavor, though not overly sesame. I'd do it again, but next time I'll go for the sweet potato. :)

This was our first major outing since arriving in Okinawa. I am so looking forward to spending some more time up north, away from the American concentrated areas around the bases. We had to drive about 60 kilometers away from the base to find a Japanese person who didn't speak English. It was nice to experience a little more of Okinawan culture and yet I know I've not even scratched the surface. I'll keep you posted as the adventure goes on.

Answered Prayer - No Coincidences

Koen and I prayed this morning after his Bible study. We asked God to use us to bless anyone we came into contact with today. Here is how God answered that prayer...

We have new neighbors. They are here from mainland Japan as well. They have a nine year-old boy and are also pregnant with twins, about three weeks behind us. We met them just tonight. I liked the parents. They were easy to talk with. And Koen? I honestly can't remember the last time Koen connected with another boy like he did with Micah. They were instantly pals. Koen says the boy is a "Class II Koen." Translation? "He is almost as creative and imaginative as me." He had SO much fun in the 1.5 hours we spent with that family. They are excited to get together again. We wound up walking them around the base and showed them where to find some groceries and other services.

Then...

A lady knocked on our door today. She was looking for the Stork's Nest office (the place we're staying.) It turns out she's trying to track down premie clothes for a friend who just had her baby at 26 weeks (not even a full pound). I invited her in so I could get her number. She made a comment that triggered my radar. Something just any other person wouldn't say. I could tell she was a military widow. Once I asked her, she told me she was married to a marine who died in Iraq four years ago and is now remarried to another marine. Of course, I shared my story, briefly, with her. She had never met anyone else who had been through any of that. She was surprised to find that I understood a lot of what she said. We only spoke about 30 minutes before she left. We traded numbers as well.

Backing up...

Last night, we went to AWANA. (The Bible based kids' club at the church.) While Koen was in his club, I went to an adult bible study. I turned off my cell phone so that I wouldn't disturb anyone. Well, after meeting the premie person above, I made a call to the chaplain's wife, whom we'd met on Sunday. I wanted to ask if she could pass the word that someone was in need of premie clothes, which are impossible to find here. She thought I was calling her back. Apparently, she had left me two messages earlier today saying she was going to the commissary and asking if I wanted to join her. Here's the amazing thing about that...

The lady who knocked on my door stepped in so I could get her number. I established in a moment that she was widowed at the same age I was. I asked her if she wanted something to drink and had time to stay and chat a little. She said, "Yes, but I have to leave by 12:30". I turned to look at the clock and it was 11:58 am. Guess what time the chaplain's wife had called me, according to my cell phone? Yep, 11:58. I was awed. The distraction of a ringing phone would likely have prevented the connection with this stranger.

The lady had shared with me that she struggled with God when her husband died. How could a loving God...? You can imagine the rest of that sentence. Well, at one point I said to her, "It was divine intervention that we met today." She knocked on the wrong door. Instead of walking away, she told me why she was looking for the Stork's Nest manager. Instead of simply directing her to the correct building, I offered to get involved and ask around for premie clothes. Why would I do that considering I know almost no one here? Instead of dropping the subject when she inadvertently let me know she was a widow, I asked the sensitive question. Instead of her avoiding the conversation, she embraced the opportunity to talk with me more. As she was leaving at 12:30, with a slightly sarcastic tone I said to her, "And people say there is no God." She agreed. To God be the glory, great things He hath done...and continues to do!

Constellations with my Son

When we arrived at our cottage in Okinawa, we had four bedrooms to choose from. Koen and I made the rounds testing the mattresses to choose the most comfortable bed. It so happened that the most comfortable bed also happened to be in the room that was painted with stars, with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Thus began our adventure last evening...

We lay in bed at 10 pm, staring at the ceiling, talking about things of no consequence. I asked Koen to choose and then describe to me the look and location of his favorite star or grouping of stars on the ceiling. Only a moment passed before he shared his find. He was great at explaining the design such that I found it in only a handful of seconds. We decided to name it the "Family". He then asked me to identify mine, which immediately took on the name the "Kite."

Once the favorites were identified, we began scanning the ceiling for patterns. We eventually named every constellation on our ceiling: Upside-Down, the Couple, the Glass, the Triangle, the Dog, Scooper, and the Cartwheel. We also identified the Northern and Southern stars. It was a great way to end our day, being creative, and being together.

I love those times with my son. They are markers for the past, present, and future of our relationship. We have spent years creating moments like these - spontaneous, fun-filled, creative, loving, snugly moments that continue even at 9.5 years old. Their enduring nature is symbolic of the strength of our relationship, our connection. I look forward with great anticipation to our future years of star-gazing, both indoors and out, pondering life, developing our creativity, and just plain being together. It doesn't get any better.