In Okinawa, Japan, on Monday morning, July 14, 2009, I'll be wheeled into the OR. Within an hour or so I will be looking at two beautiful little people whom we've waited 36 weeks to meet. At times it has felt as if the waiting would never end. It was the same with Koen - the anticipation. I was compelled to document on this last day, the thoughts and emotions I've experienced in the last 24 hours of waiting. Where do I even begin?
I'm fairly certain this will be the last time I ever experience pregnancy. The thought doesn't make me sad, though I know at many points throughout the rest of my life I will reminisce about the feeling of a child moving inside me. Even now, I see my belly roll to and fro, and as I reach out to connect with one or the other of my children I am filled with awe and wonder. It grips me - a smile spreading across my face. Soon, I think, I will meet you soon . . . and all too soon it will be over, and feel as if the time flew. Isn't that our way? How often do we say, "I can't wait to _____." We find ourselves so wrapped up in wanting to get there that we often lose sight of the preciousness of now. This is the thinking I've embraced over the last week of my pregnancy. I resolved not to wish away these precious moments, but to embrace them and let them mold and shape me.
Before long, our family will morph into a new creation. No longer a family of three, but of five, we will be forging a new path, acutely aware of new personalities, and new dynamics. Some changes will be expected, yet countless others will be the result of trial and error. I'm ready for whatever the moment throws at me. Certainly, I'm much more prepared than I was when Koen was born. I expect to slip up and make mistakes just as I have with Koen, but I'm older and wiser now, and more importantly, I have God directing my life.
The last 36 weeks have brought on a plethora of physical and emotional moments. Physically, I have experienced the following: stretch marks, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and falling, itchiness, food cravings and aversions, sleeplessness, frequent urination, leg cramps, abdominal pain, constipation, swelling of the hands, feet, and ankles, back pain, weight gain, extreme fatigue, round ligament pain, heightened sense of smell, breast soreness, hot flashes, low abdominal swelling, and pelvic congestion syndrome. In addition, my waistline has expanded to 54 inches! It doesn't sound like a walk in the park, yet here I am no worse for the wear. All of these physical manifestations will go away eventually, except for my fading stretch marks, which will closely resemble my memory of these symptoms.
If the physical symptoms are fleeting, the emotions are anything but. Many of these thoughts and questions that linger now will be enduring. For example, how will I juggle teaching three children, what will the challenges be, and how will their personalities help shape me personally, and our family as a whole? We will love each other, but will we like each other as people? Greater than the mood swings and emotionally tinged weepiness is the overwhelming feeling of excitement, nervousness, and hope for the future.
For years a common faulty assumption was that we had only one child because we determined one was enough, or perhaps we had one and decided parenting wasn't our forte. Maybe we just didn't enjoy being parents. Nothing could have been further from the truth and yet I was questioned on a regular basis about having more children and giving Koen siblings. Little did some of these well-intentioned or curious individuals know that we tried for 6.5 years before finally succeeding in having more children. I don't expect this question of having more children to plague me any longer.
Mostly in these last hours, I wonder what each baby will look like. I imagine staring down into their little faces, falling in love with them. What family traits will we see? How much hair will they have? What will their cries sound like? Will they be happy babies like Koen was? I'm marveling at the thought that in mere hours I'm going to be able to hold and nurture them.
What joys and challenges lie ahead? Obviously, I don't know the answer to that question, but I know that whatever they are God will give us the grace to meet them head on. Together as a family, we are charting new territory, laying the groundwork for an amazing future. Those who have known us know that we have spent the last ten years on one "grand adventure" after another. This is not only the next chapter, but one of the biggest adventures of all - parenting. Having Koen as my son has been among the greatest joys of my life. To think that I'm being given the chance to be a Mama again is humbling. It's an overwhelming responsibility, which I will not take for granted. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and blessed beyond measure.
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