Filipina Hit and Run

When I was pregnant with the twins in 2008, there was a day I was standing outside the grocery store talking with a friend. We hadn't been there long when we were approached by a Filipina woman who left me speechless in a matter of moments.

The petite, dark-haired lady appeared old enough to be a grandmother and had a flamboyant personality. She stepped into our conversational space in a way that would suggest she was close friends with one of us. I naturally assumed she knew my friend. We continued our conversation, which had left off with my friend asking me about my pregnancy symptoms. The Filipina lady didn't skip a beat when she interrupted and said in a shocked and rather loud voice, "You're pregnant?" When I answered, "Yes," she reached out and ,while rubbing my belly, said, "I thought you were just fat!" I was stunned and could only smile awkwardly as my friend and I stared at one another in disbelief. In another moment, the woman had disappeared into the store, leaving me searching for words with my friend. Within seconds we realized neither of us knew the woman and we laughed with the realization that we had been victims of a verbal hit-and-run!

Shared Sorrow, Shared Miracles

As I sit here staring at my pregnant belly, I’m contemplating the reasons why I would tell this story. It’s not only mine to tell. The truth is that I’m only playing a part in the miracle that is unfolding. The journey I am on is entwined with that of another person whom I love deeply – my sister Valerie.

As a kid, one thing my sister always knew with absolute certainty was that she wanted to be a mom. She’s always had the heart of a mom. I understand that drive toward motherhood. I was the same. Neither of us could have imagined that having children would turn out to be a struggle. Infertility is not something on your mind when you are busy saying “I do” and planning a future complete with a family. I think most people naturally assume that it will happen in due time, if not on command. It’s simply not that, well, simple.

I was married in 1999 with no immediate plans to try and have children. We knew eventually we would have a family and were in no hurry. It turned out that God had other plans and we were pregnant six weeks later. I was stunned to be pregnant considering my historical lack of ovulation. In fact, I hadn’t had a period for seven months prior to becoming pregnant. It was definitely meant to be.

When our son was born, we knew we didn’t want to become pregnant again until after I finished college. Fast forward 2.5 years – I graduated, we moved half-way around the world, then began trying to conceive. Year after heart-breaking year we waited. It was agonizing, especially seeing friends around me becoming pregnant. I was sad, frustrated, envious, and confused about why we were having such a hard time having a second child. We wanted desperately for our son to have a sibling as well. After more than five years of infertility we finally decided to see a specialist. Until then I’d never heard of secondary infertility. Since I wasn’t ovulating at all, and hadn’t cycled in roughly nine months, the doctor recommended we use the fertility drug Clomid. After one cycle on Clomid, I became pregnant. We were elated that we’d conceived so quickly. Unfortunately, our joy lasted only three months before I learned I’d had a “missed miscarriage.” One day the baby was there with a heartbeat, arms, and legs. A week or so later, the heart had stopped and the arms and legs had already begun to disintegrate. I was devastated! I eventually had to undergo surgery to remove what my body would not miscarry on its own. I knew at the time that there was a reason for my loss, horrific as it was, and I was determined to find a positive.

One year later, my husband and I decided to try one last time to conceive. We would use one more cycle of Clomid and prepared ourselves to except the results, no matter what they were. It was our last hurrah. Once again, using one dose of Clomid, we conceived. At seven weeks we learned we were having twins! I was able to carry nearly to full-term two beautiful, healthy babies – a boy and a girl. My children were nearly ten years apart. They are miracles to me considering my history.

During all the time I was having fertility issues my sister was having a fertility crisis of her own. Unlike me, she has always been able to naturally mark her cycles on a calendar. She could tell you nearly within hours when she would start her period. I thought she was tremendously blessed in that regard. Unfortunately, though she was able to conceive with no assistance, she had recurrent miscarriages. Around the time she had her 6^th or 7^th miscarriage, I made a comment to her that if it came down to it that I would carry a baby for her. I know for certain that she would do the same for me. That first conversation was sometime around 2007. She thanked me, but quickly dismissed it as a possibility. As she continued having one miscarriage after another, she gradually began to think that perhaps she would never be able to carry a baby to full-term. Sometime around her tenth loss, she and my brother-in-law began to think seriously about my offer. Perhaps surrogacy might be their only chance to have children.

After delivering my own twins, moving again half-way around the world, and undergoing a double mastectomy and reconstruction, we decided to pursue IVF using my sister’s egg and her husband’s sperm. We were incredibly blessed to become pregnant on the first attempt. Now at 13+ weeks, I stare at my pregnant belly thinking about what we’ve done and what’s to come. People ask me if it was a difficult decision to make, being a surrogate for my sister. They wonder aloud if I will have a hard time giving the baby to my sister and brother-in-law. Some have put me on a pedestal for doing this for my sister. All I can say to these things is that it would have been infinitely more painful to watch my sister miss out on motherhood – to see the loss in her eyes as she plays with my children would be heart-wrenching for me. The day we deliver will be a day full of emotion. I have to say though that this is something Valerie and I are doing for each other. She is giving me just as great of a gift. She is allowing me to be an aunt for the first time, to give my children a cousin to walk through their lives with them. She’s also giving my own infertility struggles and miscarriage meaning. I truly believe I went through these things in order to prepare my heart for the moment my sister would need me…to relate to her…to grieve with her…and ultimately, to play a role in making her the mom she was always meant to be.

A large number of people have told me they've contemplated being a surrogate. The thought honestly never crossed my mind until my sister had this need. Now that we're walking this path together I can't imagine not being here with her. It's been an amazing experience that's brought new closeness to already tight relationships between my sister, brother-in-law, me, and my husband. We are all excited about what the future holds and looking forward to someday in August when we can count ten fingers and ten toes!

Surrogacy: The Hope of Giving Birth to My Niece or Nephew

On September 30, 2010, my sister Valerie, her husband Aaron, and I had an appointment at the Jones Institute for Reproductive Medicine. After years of trying to conceive and suffering a heart-wrenching number of unexplained miscarriages, they decided to take me up on my offer to be a surrogate for them. We headed to our appointment in torrential rain, feeling uncertain what the clinic would say about my suitability because of my age or medical history, including my recent bilateral mastectomy and upcoming reconstructive surgery. All our apprehensiveness would turn out to be unfounded.

After filling out tons of paperwork, consulting with the doctors, and both Valerie and I having ultrasounds, her for her ovaries and me for my uterus, we were given the green light. It turned out to be much easier than I thought. There will be lots of coordinating of schedules along the way, trips back and forth from Florida for both Aaron and Valerie, and probably some nail-biting, but we now have a time frame. In fact, we were certain they would have a reason to make us wait and were surprised when I was given my first prescription to be started the very next day! That night I headed out to the Wal-Mart pharmacy to turn in my prescription. We couldn't believe it. The transfer should be sometime around Thanksgiving, using her egg and his sperm.

On October 1, 2010, I zipped over to the pharmacy to pick up my meds, then crossed the parking lot and stopped in front of the pet store. I sat in my van with the first pill in my hand. Feeling overwhelmed by the emotional events of the previous two days, which included losing my beloved Shiba Kenji, being worried sick trying to find our Papillon Dexter, then the elation at finding him, I had to take a moment to pause and just breathe. The event I was about to mark was huge - so much bigger than me in that moment. The last nine months of my life had been wrapped up in one big exclamation point. Funny, nine months is the length of time most people associate with a pregnancy.

Holding that little, white, Progesterone pill in my hand represented the hopes and dreams of so many people, starting with my sister. It also guaranteed that the next year of my life would be no less emotional than the last. I could say that the next year will be wrapped up in a huge question mark. That thought didn't frighten me. I'm a Navy wife and therefore accustomed to question marks. :) One thing was certain, God is in control and will either use me to make my sister a mom or not. There I was, alone to ponder the enormity of the decision we'd all made together, my family and hers. I was thankful for those quiet moments. I prayed and gave the whole process to the Lord to make of it what He wills. Of course I also put in my personal request to finally become an aunt. :) How amazing just to think of having the opportunity to bring my niece or nephew into the world.

After praying, I threw back my water bottle and popped the pill in my mouth, thinking, "Here we go!"

Incentives (A.K.A. Motivation)

The long wait is finally over as I delivered my twins in July. The doctor cleared me to get back to my fitness routine and I have to admit, walking back into the fitness center wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be. Being sleep-deprived with newborns and feeling sluggish from the extra weight I'm now carrying left me feeling "unmotivated." Then I decided to take away my choice for anything other than change.

Now-a-days we all have too many choices. Come on. How many salad dressings do we really need to choose from? So I decided that there was only one choice to make - to move in the only direction I could that would make me healthy. That included getting my workout clothes on and going to the gym. Once I thought of it in terms of "the decision is already made", all I had to do was comply. How easy is that - to comply? It should be easy. I'm only acting in accordance with my own wish, which is to lose this weight. That's all complying is.

I started thinking about motivation and questioned whether I had it or not. I may have even written on this subject before. Don't many of us say those words, "I'm just not motivated."? What does that mean? To have no motivation. We need to understand what motivation truly is before we can say unequivocally that we don't have it.

The root word for motivation is "motive". In the dictionary, motive is referred to as something that "causes a person to act in a certain way or do a certain thing", an "incentive." It also says a motive is "the goal or object of a person's actions."

SHAZAM! I do have it! In fact, according to this definition, we ALL have motivation. For some of us, our incentive is to reach a certain dress or pant size. For others, our incentive is to reach for another cookie. We cannot use the age old excuse that we "have no motivation." That's a crock. The choice is ours.

What will be the goal or object of our actions. Is our goal to stay comfortably on the couch watching our favorite show? Is our goal to eat that comfort food because it takes away our pain or our boredom? Is our goal to save ourselves from disappointment because the task of losing weight seems insurmountable? We're all motivated by something. What is your incentive - A.K.A. - motivation?

I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that my incentives include: being healthy, feeling great, living longer, setting a good example for my kids and others, and building my confidence. These ARE my motivation and they only scratch the surface. Of course, looking good and getting an occasional cat call from my husband isn't a bad incentive either. Now it's just a matter of developing a plan to achieve these things.

To that end, I'm back to my tried and true formula. The one that helped me shed 61 pounds before I became pregnant with the twins. The great thing is that it's no secret, only healthy food and regular exercise. Who knew it could be that simple. Now all I have to do it simply comply! :) Are you ready and willing to do the same?

Thoughts on the Last Hours of My Pregnancy

In Okinawa, Japan, on Monday morning, July 14, 2009, I'll be wheeled into the OR. Within an hour or so I will be looking at two beautiful little people whom we've waited 36 weeks to meet. At times it has felt as if the waiting would never end. It was the same with Koen - the anticipation. I was compelled to document on this last day, the thoughts and emotions I've experienced in the last 24 hours of waiting. Where do I even begin?

I'm fairly certain this will be the last time I ever experience pregnancy. The thought doesn't make me sad, though I know at many points throughout the rest of my life I will reminisce about the feeling of a child moving inside me. Even now, I see my belly roll to and fro, and as I reach out to connect with one or the other of my children I am filled with awe and wonder. It grips me - a smile spreading across my face. Soon, I think, I will meet you soon . . . and all too soon it will be over, and feel as if the time flew. Isn't that our way? How often do we say, "I can't wait to _____." We find ourselves so wrapped up in wanting to get there that we often lose sight of the preciousness of now. This is the thinking I've embraced over the last week of my pregnancy. I resolved not to wish away these precious moments, but to embrace them and let them mold and shape me.

Before long, our family will morph into a new creation. No longer a family of three, but of five, we will be forging a new path, acutely aware of new personalities, and new dynamics. Some changes will be expected, yet countless others will be the result of trial and error. I'm ready for whatever the moment throws at me. Certainly, I'm much more prepared than I was when Koen was born. I expect to slip up and make mistakes just as I have with Koen, but I'm older and wiser now, and more importantly, I have God directing my life.

The last 36 weeks have brought on a plethora of physical and emotional moments. Physically, I have experienced the following: stretch marks, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and falling, itchiness, food cravings and aversions, sleeplessness, frequent urination, leg cramps, abdominal pain, constipation, swelling of the hands, feet, and ankles, back pain, weight gain, extreme fatigue, round ligament pain, heightened sense of smell, breast soreness, hot flashes, low abdominal swelling, and pelvic congestion syndrome. In addition, my waistline has expanded to 54 inches! It doesn't sound like a walk in the park, yet here I am no worse for the wear. All of these physical manifestations will go away eventually, except for my fading stretch marks, which will closely resemble my memory of these symptoms.

If the physical symptoms are fleeting, the emotions are anything but. Many of these thoughts and questions that linger now will be enduring. For example, how will I juggle teaching three children, what will the challenges be, and how will their personalities help shape me personally, and our family as a whole? We will love each other, but will we like each other as people? Greater than the mood swings and emotionally tinged weepiness is the overwhelming feeling of excitement, nervousness, and hope for the future.

For years a common faulty assumption was that we had only one child because we determined one was enough, or perhaps we had one and decided parenting wasn't our forte. Maybe we just didn't enjoy being parents. Nothing could have been further from the truth and yet I was questioned on a regular basis about having more children and giving Koen siblings. Little did some of these well-intentioned or curious individuals know that we tried for 6.5 years before finally succeeding in having more children. I don't expect this question of having more children to plague me any longer.

Mostly in these last hours, I wonder what each baby will look like. I imagine staring down into their little faces, falling in love with them. What family traits will we see? How much hair will they have? What will their cries sound like? Will they be happy babies like Koen was? I'm marveling at the thought that in mere hours I'm going to be able to hold and nurture them.

What joys and challenges lie ahead? Obviously, I don't know the answer to that question, but I know that whatever they are God will give us the grace to meet them head on. Together as a family, we are charting new territory, laying the groundwork for an amazing future. Those who have known us know that we have spent the last ten years on one "grand adventure" after another. This is not only the next chapter, but one of the biggest adventures of all - parenting. Having Koen as my son has been among the greatest joys of my life. To think that I'm being given the chance to be a Mama again is humbling. It's an overwhelming responsibility, which I will not take for granted. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and blessed beyond measure.

Nearing the Pregnancy Finish Line

I am writing from my hospital bed at the US Naval Hospital in Okinawa. I was admitted on June 8th because I went into preterm labor at 31 weeks. I will be here until I deliver. I'll update my page again once I deliver.

I'm feeling great! The closer I get to delivering, the more excited I get about a number of things. Meeting our babies is of course the most exciting part. In addition, I know it signals the beginning of a new fitness routine. When I had my son in 1999, I wasn't very active, but this time will be different. I have already set new goals to strive for - goals I'm excited to get to work on.

According to my doctor, I should be cleared in time to climb Mt. Fuji again this season. My husband and son are going up at the end of August. I plan to be there as long as I'm cleared to climb. That is going to be the first of many mini-goals I'll be using to hopefully propel myself toward the finish line at the Marine Corps Marathon in the fall of next year.

It's funny, I was looking at my legs a couple days ago. The swelling in my ankles and feet is gone. They are going to be back to running in no time at all. Only this time they'll be hoofing it behind a jogging stroller. I'll be ready to reclaim my body.

This process I'll be going through is all the more exciting because I've done it before. I'm looking forward to seeing the progress and making those milestones again, one dress size at a time. In the end, I know I'm going to be in the best shape of my life! History has shown me how good it feels to be healthy. I seem to glow inside and out when I'm taking care of my body.

The other part that I'm thrilled about is the example I'll be setting for my 9.5-year-old son, as well as my twins. I didn't show my son good fitness and nutrition habits when he was young. It took time to help him adjust his decision-making when it came to food. This time around I know we'll be making better decisions as a family and raising the twins with different habits.

For now, I'm focusing on getting through the next several weeks mostly bed-ridden. My goal here is to challenge and inspire the staff as they take care of me. I want to listen and uplift along the way, be a great patient, and minister to each person who walks through my door. I want to leave behind much more than my used hospital gown. I want to leave a mark.

I hope you all are making a difference in your own lives . . . and leaving your own positive mark on all those you encounter. This is one of the aspects of Spark People that makes it so successful and uplifting.

I wish you all the best in your nutrition, fitness, and making YOUR mark. :)

My Miscarriage and How I Nearly Missed a Blessing

I was recently thinking about pride when a new acquaintance said to me, "I have a hard time accepting favors from people. It's not that I'm prideful." Why else would a person be unable to accept a gift, favor, or graciousness from another? Does it really all come down to that? Pride?

Let me recall the summer of 2007 . . .

I was 3.5 months pregnant and happy to be over the "hump." You know, the three-month "everything should be fine now" hump. I was feeling great when I headed in for a check-up appointment. In fact, I was feeling so great that I didn't really feel pregnant, but rather normal. I shared this with my doctor, who unbeknownst to me was immediately alarmed. She searched for a heartbeat to no avail, then led me to the ultrasound machine, which confirmed my worst fear. I had miscarried. My body didn't trigger any obvious symptoms when the baby had died roughly two weeks previously, so I had no idea. I sat there with my 7-year-old son in the room, trying to be as stoic as possible, but I was devastated. We had tried for 5 years to have more children. I would have to have a D&C the following Monday and so would have to spend the weekend knowing the baby inside me had died and was still there. It was a horribly emotional time, exacerbated by the fact that a good friend came home during that time with her newborn baby girl. My heart broke as I held her on Saturday, only days after my appointment and two days before my scheduled surgery.

Sunday morning I awoke numb. I tried half-heartedly to get myself ready for church so that I could lead the music. I knew my friend would be there with her baby and felt certain that I would not be able to sing a clear note through tears. Others would be there to celebrate the gift of life - the life of my friend's precious baby girl. There was no doubt in my mind that I would distract from what should be a joyous occasion. I opted not to go to church.

Minutes after the service should have begun, there was a knock at our door. Much to my surprise, it was Chaplain Shafer! Why was he not at the service, leading his flock? He stepped into our living room and asked how I was feeling. Again, stoicism kicked in and I tried to hide the extent of my pain. I shared with him my concern about distracting from the miracle of the newest edition to our church. I also think I didn't want anyone to see me in my emotional state. I was supposed to be someone strong in their faith, but where was it then? I thought I was lacking and didn't want to show myself so weak in faith. What he said to me next opened my eyes to a truth that hadn't even occurred to me. He said I understand your reason for not coming and respect your decision. He went on to ask me if I didn't think it was possible that the love our church had was enough to both rejoice in the birth of a child and mourn the death of another? I was taken aback at the thought. We prayed together and he walked out to join our congregation, already roughly twenty minutes into the service.

I sat for a moment and cried, convicted that I was not where God wanted me to be. I was the sheep going astray, whom the pastor left the 99 for and went to find. I shot upstairs, threw my shoes on, and ran to the chapel up the street. I walked in wearing shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers, no make-up, and swollen eyes - stripped bare of any facade. I realized that there was no reason to hide myself away or present myself as unfazed.

My friend, holding her new baby, met me ten steps into the sanctuary and wrapped her arms around me. We held each other, both crying, as we sang the last verse of a hymn into one another's ears. Afterward, the whole church sat back down. I made my way to the second pew and took a seat with my head hanging low. I was trying to dry my tears when I noticed that the entire congregation began standing and one by one moved to take seats all around me and my friend. Within a moment, the hands of so many who loved me began to touch my shoulders and arms and that of my friend too. The chaplain stopped in his tracks and came forward. As all my brothers and sisters in Christ surrounded us, the chaplain prayed. I'd never felt so loved.

I cried softly off and on through the rest of the service. During the service, the words of a Casting Crowns song came to my mind, "Praise You in This Storm."

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

The service was coming to an end and I asked the chaplain if I could share my heart with the congregation. I could barely speak, but what I shared was this:
My heart is broken and I've cried until I feel my heart will stop beating. Living with a baby inside me who is no longer living is nearly unbearable. I don't understand. I may never understand. BUT, I know I can't thank God for the good times and curse Him in the bad. Like the song says, ". . . my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain 'I'm with you'. And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away." I will praise God even through this.

The service ended with the whole congregation gathered at the front of the church, wrapped in each other's arms, crying tears of both pain and joy. At that moment, I realized a very important lesson. Had I not gone to church, I would have robbed my brothers and sisters in Christ of an opportunity to be there for me, to love me, share my burden, and live their faith in Christ. How could I have taken that from them when I have been blessed in the past to be there for others? I didn't realize until then that my not being at church, though understandable and forgivable, was actually selfish. My stoicism was prideful and nearly stole from me the blessings God had in store for me as a result of the "storm."

I prayed and asked God to remove my desire for more children until such a time that it was His will, not mine if in fact that day ever came. Not only did He take away my yearning, but He placed a thankfulness in my heart that I had not given birth. My heart did a complete 180 - I was actually relieved! I began to embrace being a mom of one and feeling truly blessed. This was August of 2007. 

More than a year later, in October 2008, I began to feel stirrings of motherhood again. I prayed again and asked God to turn my heart if it was His timing. We began trying again in November to get pregnant and learned in December that we were indeed pregnant. In January we found we were pregnant with twins. I felt it was God's way of blessing us because of our miscarriage. He loved, healed, and restored me.

There are many things about life that I will never know or understand, but one thing is sure - I will continue to raise my hands to the one who gives and takes away, for it's His will, His plan, and not mine that is perfect and that I should strive for.

Okinawan Cookies & Pizza in the Sky

We took a field trip with a group of homeschooled families to Motobu, Okinawa yesterday. Our first stop was a recreational area called the Motobu Wellness area, where the kids made salt from seawater and traditional Japanese cookies. They all seemed to have a good time making the cookies and an even better time eating them. They tasted a little like sugar cookies and had a different texture and a slightly chalky aftertaste.

The wellness area had a nice beach with volleyball nets set up. There were kayaks and jet skis as well. I'm not sure how it fits in, but they also had a pen full of goats, rabbits, roosters, and hens. Animals, they contribute to our sense of wellness! :)

After our short stop at the wellness area, we made our way up a large hill to a restaurant called Pizza in the Sky, more appropriately known as Cafe Kajinho. We had a group that included eight parents and fifteen kids ranging in age from 2 months to about 16. We converged on this place and it was somewhat of a zoo.

The menus were printed on large Japanese fans, with Japanese on one side and English on the other. It was a very simple menu. For the most part, they have one special pizza they make and people order that. You can get 7" or 14" pizzas. Yesterday, the toppings available were thick pepperoni, onions, green peppers, and corn. I ordered a loaded pizza and was pleasantly surprised that the corn fit right in with my other toppings. The pepperoni had a different sort of spice to it that wasn't hot, but had a wonderful flavor. The crust was somewhere between a thin and hand-tossed crust. Overall an excellent pizza!

The area around the restaurant had heavy foliage. The perimeter was skirted by a wooden fence that wouldn't keep out a goat. On the other side of this fence was a steep drop on three sides of the restaurant. Beyond that drop, the town of Motobu opened up on the horizon, flowing to the sea. It was a beautiful day and from our perch, we had nearly a 180-degree view of the ocean and surrounding hills.

Perhaps the most interesting thing I found on this trip was a certain table at the pizza restaurant. Sitting on the porch overlooking the ocean, I noticed one lone table that stood out. Every other table in the whole place was low to the floor for traditional Japanese seating, but this one was different. It was a large, odd-shaped, thick slab of wood perched atop the metal framework of an old, treadle-style Singer sewing machine. My mom would have loved it but wondered what happened the the sewing machine. :)

I must give a mention to the ice cream we encountered as well. We stopped at a market area and killed some time while waiting for others to arrive. While there, we grabbed some ice cream. Koen had his standard vanilla, but I got adventuresome and went out on a limb with some black sesame ice cream. I was slightly skeptical, but it's what the ladies recommended. I wasn't disappointed! It had an unusual flavor, though not overly sesame. I'd do it again, but next time I'll go for the sweet potato. :)

This was our first major outing since arriving in Okinawa. I am so looking forward to spending some more time up north, away from the American concentrated areas around the bases. We had to drive about 60 kilometers away from the base to find a Japanese person who didn't speak English. It was nice to experience a little more of Okinawan culture and yet I know I've not even scratched the surface. I'll keep you posted as the adventure goes on.

Answered Prayer - No Coincidences

Koen and I prayed this morning after his Bible study. We asked God to use us to bless anyone we came into contact with today. Here is how God answered that prayer...

We have new neighbors. They are here from mainland Japan as well. They have a nine year-old boy and are also pregnant with twins, about three weeks behind us. We met them just tonight. I liked the parents. They were easy to talk with. And Koen? I honestly can't remember the last time Koen connected with another boy like he did with Micah. They were instantly pals. Koen says the boy is a "Class II Koen." Translation? "He is almost as creative and imaginative as me." He had SO much fun in the 1.5 hours we spent with that family. They are excited to get together again. We wound up walking them around the base and showed them where to find some groceries and other services.

Then...

A lady knocked on our door today. She was looking for the Stork's Nest office (the place we're staying.) It turns out she's trying to track down premie clothes for a friend who just had her baby at 26 weeks (not even a full pound). I invited her in so I could get her number. She made a comment that triggered my radar. Something just any other person wouldn't say. I could tell she was a military widow. Once I asked her, she told me she was married to a marine who died in Iraq four years ago and is now remarried to another marine. Of course, I shared my story, briefly, with her. She had never met anyone else who had been through any of that. She was surprised to find that I understood a lot of what she said. We only spoke about 30 minutes before she left. We traded numbers as well.

Backing up...

Last night, we went to AWANA. (The Bible based kids' club at the church.) While Koen was in his club, I went to an adult bible study. I turned off my cell phone so that I wouldn't disturb anyone. Well, after meeting the premie person above, I made a call to the chaplain's wife, whom we'd met on Sunday. I wanted to ask if she could pass the word that someone was in need of premie clothes, which are impossible to find here. She thought I was calling her back. Apparently, she had left me two messages earlier today saying she was going to the commissary and asking if I wanted to join her. Here's the amazing thing about that...

The lady who knocked on my door stepped in so I could get her number. I established in a moment that she was widowed at the same age I was. I asked her if she wanted something to drink and had time to stay and chat a little. She said, "Yes, but I have to leave by 12:30". I turned to look at the clock and it was 11:58 am. Guess what time the chaplain's wife had called me, according to my cell phone? Yep, 11:58. I was awed. The distraction of a ringing phone would likely have prevented the connection with this stranger.

The lady had shared with me that she struggled with God when her husband died. How could a loving God...? You can imagine the rest of that sentence. Well, at one point I said to her, "It was divine intervention that we met today." She knocked on the wrong door. Instead of walking away, she told me why she was looking for the Stork's Nest manager. Instead of simply directing her to the correct building, I offered to get involved and ask around for premie clothes. Why would I do that considering I know almost no one here? Instead of dropping the subject when she inadvertently let me know she was a widow, I asked the sensitive question. Instead of her avoiding the conversation, she embraced the opportunity to talk with me more. As she was leaving at 12:30, with a slightly sarcastic tone I said to her, "And people say there is no God." She agreed. To God be the glory, great things He hath done...and continues to do!

Constellations with my Son

When we arrived at our cottage in Okinawa, we had four bedrooms to choose from. Koen and I made the rounds testing the mattresses to choose the most comfortable bed. It so happened that the most comfortable bed also happened to be in the room that was painted with stars, with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Thus began our adventure last evening...

We lay in bed at 10 pm, staring at the ceiling, talking about things of no consequence. I asked Koen to choose and then describe to me the look and location of his favorite star or grouping of stars on the ceiling. Only a moment passed before he shared his find. He was great at explaining the design such that I found it in only a handful of seconds. We decided to name it the "Family". He then asked me to identify mine, which immediately took on the name the "Kite."

Once the favorites were identified, we began scanning the ceiling for patterns. We eventually named every constellation on our ceiling: Upside-Down, the Couple, the Glass, the Triangle, the Dog, Scooper, and the Cartwheel. We also identified the Northern and Southern stars. It was a great way to end our day, being creative, and being together.

I love those times with my son. They are markers for the past, present, and future of our relationship. We have spent years creating moments like these - spontaneous, fun-filled, creative, loving, snugly moments that continue even at 9.5 years old. Their enduring nature is symbolic of the strength of our relationship, our connection. I look forward with great anticipation to our future years of star-gazing, both indoors and out, pondering life, developing our creativity, and just plain being together. It doesn't get any better.

Pregnancy - Getting Over the Stumbling Blocks

Being pregnant again is strange, though I'm well-adjusted at this point to the idea of having twins. I haven't begun to feel any movement yet, but that's not far away. I'm currently 14 weeks.

The first trimester I was exhausted! I could not get enough sleep. My energy level was very low, though I managed to pep up a little when I would go to the gym. I tried to be in the gym three times a week but mostly got in two trips. I ran until I was eight weeks, but stopped around that time and began walking instead when we learned we were having twins.

I spent the first trimester eating pretty much anything I wanted. I was nauseous all the time. As soon as the nausea would hit me, I'd have to eat to make it go away. During the first three months, I had an aversion to fruits, vegetables, peanut butter, and coffee. I tried to eat the fruits and veggies, but they made me ill. I went cold turkey off my decaf coffee and peanut butter. The only foods I really wanted were red meat, cheese, and orange juice. I also ate a combination of mixed beans, boiled egg, and sweet relish.

Consequently, I've gained 21 pounds. It was hard to step on that scale because I knew it would look ugly to me, if not slightly depressing. But, today is the beginning of a new day. My nausea has gone away and I've begun to get control of my eating schedule. I've tracked my food for the first time in months today. I feel great about being on track. I'm no longer having any cravings or aversions - I'm very thankful. Chicken, fruits, and veggies have all come back into my diet.

Before anyone gets on a soapbox about my pregnancy nutrition, please know that I'm not restricting my calories in order to lose weight. I'm simply tracking them so that I don't go over my prescribed calories for my pregnancy. I was obviously eating way too many calories in the first trimester. I'm not "dieting."

Also, I'm not down about the weight. It's an obvious must (to a degree) for pregnancy. I know I will take it off after my delivery and I'm fine with that. My spirits are high and I'm positive. It came off the first time - it'll come off again.

It's a great day. The sun is out and it's beautiful. I'll get out and spend some time in the sun and hit the gym later as well. I'm relieved to be back in a healthy place. Thanks for all the well-wishes!

Thoughts on Pregnancy and Then Some

Okay, I'm absolutely exhausted! That has to be where I begin as if there were any better place to begin. My brain at this moment just can't seem to think past the fog that is my pregnancy fatigue. Maybe once I take a nap I can recover enough to gather my thoughts.

I'm back and slightly recovered. I'm much better prepared to offer my thoughts...so...

Being pregnant again - it's an interesting experience in that it felt a little anticlimactic since I've done it once before. Of course, that was before I learned we were having twins. Now all of a sudden I feel like I've never done this before and I don't have a clue what I'm doing. It's new all over again. Talk about time-consuming. First, calling everyone to tell them of the pregnancy. Then calling all the same people again to tell them it's two. I hope I don't wind up making a third call. Whoa, would that one be scary.

When the doctor said my abdomen felt big for my gestational age, I thought, "Oh, that's not good." Minutes later he confirmed why and I was in shock. I can't say I was thrilled. Mostly I think I was shocked, then scared. It brought up so many more questions and I know enough to know that the changes are going to be more exacerbated because there are two. I wasn't exactly prepared for that, although I knew there was always a possibility. Apparently, there's more of a possibility than I thought. Women over 35 are twice as likely to have twins - I'm 36. Hmm. Who'd have guessed it? Oh, and taking Clomid didn't lower the odds any, since 10% of Clomid pregnancies result in twins.

I live in Yokohama, Japan - mainland. Stop the presses! Why?! Well, I can't deliver multiples on mainland Japan. Hmm. That begs the question, where then will these children be born? It turns out we will be moving temporarily to Okinawa. By we, I mean me and Koen, and whoever else wants to come and help me cook once I can't get out of bed. LOL We'll be there from April until the babies are born. That's supposed to be somewhere around August 10th, but I'll keep you posted.

All of this keeps life interesting. We knew the year would bring many changes. Here is our current tentative timeline:
February - a trip to Hokkaido, Japan for the Snow Festival
April - move to Okinawa
July - probably give birth
August - hopefully go back to mainland Japan
Sometime through all of this, we will be looking for our new orders, probably organizing another international move, packing out our house, getting passports for the babies, and who knows what else.
December/January - leave Japan for sights unseen...

Yes, life this year will definitely be an adventure. I'm looking forward with great anticipation to the year of a lifetime!

The Day I Thought Would Never Come

Let me share a brief story...

I was married in January 1999 and much to our surprise quickly became pregnant. Now I know what you're thinking, but it was truly a surprise because I have PCOS and hadn't had a cycle in the seven months before I became pregnant. We had our beautiful little boy nine years ago.

When our son was 2.5 years old, we began trying to have another baby. More than five years later, using Clomid, we finally became pregnant. At that time, I was beginning to lose hope that our family would ever grow. We were elated of course and it was strange to be pregnant again after so many years.

At 3.5 months into my pregnancy, I went for an appointment. I told my doctor, "It's weird how I don't even feel pregnant." I just thought I was having a great pregnancy experience. Little did I know at the time that my doctor was horrified to hear those words. She immediately began looking for a heartbeat that was nowhere to be found. My baby had died two weeks before, but my body never went through the symptoms of a miscarriage. I was heartbroken to see that my baby's arms and legs had begun to disappear.

Six days later I had to have surgery, a D&C, because my body was not doing its job. In that week, I was an emotional ball of mush. I was so close after so long! I didn't understand. During this time, I listened to the song, "Praise You in This Storm" and my eyes were opened. I realized I couldn't praise God when times were good and curse Him when they were bad. I cried out to Him and through tears that still gripped me, I thanked Him, even though I couldn't understand why. I purposed at that moment to accept God's plan for my life even if it didn't include more children. I prayed that my heart would be changed, my desire taken away - and God answered. My desire completely went away. I even began to think of all the blessings of NOT having more children! I also prayed that God would bring back my desire in His timing.

Fourteen months later, I'm very happy with my life. I have lost 60 pounds and found another calling for my life that includes my own fitness as well as reaching out to others in encouragement. I truly believe that if I can do it, anyone can do it!

In October, my heart began to change and I began thinking of children again. I wondered about God's timing. I was guarded, but one month later decided to try again using Clomid. Now here I am, PREGNANT! I'm almost in disbelief, mostly that my heart turned, even though I know with God all things are possible.

All of my ups and downs, tears, joys, triumphs, and failures - I realize that these are things that have been necessary to make me the person I am. I hope they have made the person who will be best suited to be a Mama to this baby.

If I hadn't lost these 60 pounds, I can't imagine what kind of mom I would be. I'm so thankful to have taken this journey. It truly has been a journey to a new life, both figuratively and literally. I have to use this opportunity to praise God! With Him all things are possible!

(If you are reading this and going through a difficult time, I encourage you to listen to the song, "Praise You in This Storm.")