Showers are a Glorious Gift

Today was a most glorious day! After three weeks and one day of no full showers or baths, I was finally able to clean myself from head to toe. What an amazing feeling to have the water wash over me again. It was almost as if I was having a shower for the first time in years. Standing there with the hot water flowing down from my head and entirely covering my body gave me such a sense of comfort. For a time the whole world disappeared.

Hot water seemed to soften my muscles, warming them to the point that raising my arms above my head seemed nearly physically normal and slightly less labor intensive than previous times when I’ve been doing my exercises the physical therapist gave me. After washing my hair and face, as I usually begin, I moved my way down my body to the chest I’ve been so protective of over the last three weeks. Having babied my drain tubes and bulbs for so long and avoiding water and soap, to be able to softly drag my bath puff across my chest was something like heaven. In some places my nerves seemed to stand gently on end though the sensation wasn’t painful at all. The rest was completely numb, which for now is mostly a blessing.

Continuing my normal shower routine, I glanced down at my razor thinking how nice it would be to shave, particularly my armpits. One tiny little detail everyone forgot to mention is how it would initially be impossible to reach across my body with one hand and touch the armpit on the other side. In fact, there have been times over the last three weeks I’ve had to ask my mom or sister to help me put on deodorant. It’s funny how everyone seems to feel perfectly capable of applying their own, but suddenly unsure if they’re covering the right area when applying it for someone else. I know their feeling since I only recently helped my ten year-old son apply his for the first time. It’s interesting how the nerve-endings in your armpit help direct you in the process. Having made significant progress in this area of crossing my arms over, I thought it would be no problem to shave. This would all be fine and dandy were it not for the fact that my scars, extra skin, and a bulge of my tissue expanders stretches into the fold of my armpits changing their contour and making shaving somewhat of a challenge. It’s odd, but temporary. I still shaved and I felt great, even accomplished.

I made note of how most of my wounds have become smooth with the exception of the very center where my nipple used to be. Family members who have seen this area say it’s interesting how my scabs almost make it look like I still have a nipple. It’s only a trick on the eyes. I know that with time and every shower, the scabs will soften and begin to peel away, revealing the scar that will be a permanent reminder to me of so many painful and yet wonderful memories, including this one - the day I reclaimed part of myself, my independence, my wholeness, my hygiene by doing that one little act that we mostly take for granted everyday - taking a shower.