Liberated From Breast Cancer

For years I have referred to my future as one that was certain to involve breast cancer. I have seen no way around it. Everyone on my mom's side of the family has been struck with it. In fact, I have always said to my husband and close friends, "Someday when I have cancer. . . The prospect has never seemed sad to me, but more like an unfortunate reality that I'll just have to deal with and hopefully overcome. Down deep inside, though resigned, I felt that when death knocked at my door it would say, "Hello Audri, I'm the cancer that's going to take your life".

Well, I was having a conversation with my mom today and a word came out of my mouth that surprised me so greatly that I had to write about it. We had been talking about my most recent doctor's appointment. Tomorrow will be three weeks since my prophylactic bilateral mastectomy surgery. As Mom and I chatted, I casually said to her for the first time in my entire adult life, "Someday if I ever have cancer". IF? It's not like this word is unfamiliar to me, I must have used it in various contexts thousands of times over my lifetime. The subconscious choice of that word at that moment made me take pause.

I considered "IF," mulling it around in my brain for a time and the conclusion I've come to is that it is synonymous with "HOPE". Before this surgery, I think I had been cheating myself of hope - hope that I would be able to avoid the horrible cancers that have struck or killed so many in my family. If there is one family trend I don't want to be a part of continuing, it would be this - that breast and ovarian cancer and the pain and often death that comes with it would stop with me. I can't do anything about being born with a mutation of the BRCA1 gene, but I can certainly be proactive. God willing, I am going to be around to experience a full and long life with my family. Thanks to God and the technology and expertise He's given to so many in the field, I stand now and say "IF" to breast cancer and suddenly I feel liberated!

The dictionary in part says being liberated means: to set free, as from imprisonment or bondage; to disengage. Aside from the lingering physical effects of my surgery, that is how I overwhelming feel - liberated! I used to hit the "I believe someday I will have breast cancer" button. Now that I've disengaged from the "WHEN", that button is a distant memory.