Today is not the first day I've had this thought. In fact, it's regularly on my mind. Amazingly, it happens on a regular basis that shortly after this thought, I have a moment with my son that gives me a glimmer of who he is and will become. Sometimes I wonder if it's him responding to my sentimentality or if it's God's way of setting my mind at ease. Perhaps it's a little of both.
Family time is an important part of every day and so is one-on-one time. Part of my quality time with Koen has always been snuggling at the end of the day. He loves this time as much as I do and looks forward to it every night. He makes it a priority and is always prepared for me. He climbs in his bed and clears stuffed animals from the other side of the bed so that I will have a place beside him. We use this time to talk about the day's events and reconnect our hearts and minds. We talk about what tomorrow will bring and how we can make it a good day. It's one of the most refreshing parts of my day.
On one such evening, we were talking about how someday I will go back to work. (This won't happen until the kids are no longer needing me on a daily basis.) Interestingly, Koen used to think I didn't work because I didn't know how to. Those were his words and boy did they shock me. We had an immediate discussion regarding Mama's previous work history. LOL We talked about the importance of each of the roles that Daddy and I play. I acknowledged how vital it is to provide for the family financially and how it is equally important to be available for the children. (Parents are too often not available for their kids, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually.) In our family, Daddy is the one who works and Mama is the one who is there minute-by-minute for the kids. Koen knows this is the specific choice Daddy and I made because we agreed it was important for our family. This is an over-simplification of our discussion, but that could encompass a whole book, and has.
Koen has long been a budding philosopher and routinely suggests solutions to the world's problems. The words that came out of his mouth on this night made me pause. He said, "I have an idea, Mama. Why can't each parent take turns every other day, going to work . . ." In my mind - the one that used to think of my husband's job as more important than my own because his earned money, I thought my son was saying how it would be great if each parent had an opportunity to go to work and make money to feel like an important, contributing part of the family. The words that followed from the mouth of this babe left me nearly speechless with a growing smile spreading across my face. Koen then said, ". . . that way each parent would get to have time with their kids." Does he have the right idea or what?
So many parents that stay home feel they are sacrificing something to stay home. According to my 9 year-old son, the ones who are sacrificing are the ones going to work and missing time with their kids! What a refreshing way of looking at it. Suddenly, I felt more blessed than ever before! To think that I ever bought into the notion that I was making a sacrifice by staying home with my kids is now incredibly ridiculous. The guilt behind not bringing any money into the household is years behind me now. This night was a reminder that I have the greatest job in the world . . . with dividends more important than any 401k . . . helping my children grow into the wonderful adults they will become. I'm seeing it everyday now and the payout is HUGE!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Out of the Mouths of Babes
My oldest son is about to turn ten years-old. Sometimes I can't believe this much time has passed. This is a sentiment echoed by parents around the world everyday. His childhood is more than half over. There is only a little time left to instill in him the morals and values that will carry him through life. Have I done enough to impact the person he will become in a positive way?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"I Never Expected to Inspire Others" as printed on www.SparkPeople.com
"I Never Expected to Inspire Others"
Weight Loss Led to a Meaningful Moment with My Son
-- By Audri, SparkPeople Member
One day my soul woke up and it was fat! It didn't happen overnight; I wasn't always fat. I had spent the last 11 years eating emotionally. It started with my husband's death. We had been newlyweds. Emotional eating stayed with me long after my wounds began to heal and even after I remarried. It had become a habit. And even though I knew I was hurting myself, I felt powerless to overcome it. Food had control over my life for years, but finally, I decided to live differently. From somewhere came a glimmer of hope that my life could be different.
Then SparkPeople showed up with a soft knock and an invitation: "Can Audri come out and play?" This began a journey of self-discovery I never could have imagined. You see, I didn't realize that year after year, my personality and my future were slowly being buried under a growing layer of fat!
SparkPeople helped me realize for the first time that to be successful I had to make some serious changes. It wasn't enough to make a New Year's resolution and hope for the best. I had to commit to being different…but first I had to believe it was possible. So I started with what I knew to be true. I knew I had not always been fat. I knew others had overcome even greater weight obstacles than mine. Mostly, I knew that through my faith, I could do anything. After acknowledging these things, I felt prepared to commit to whatever it took to conquer myself. Within a week, I came up with the four strategies I would use to set myself up for success.
First, I assessed my battle with food in an honest way. My "If they don't see me eat it, it doesn't count" attitude had to go! Using the Nutrition Tracker, I took a close look at my food choices and it opened my eyes! Over time, I chose to eliminate caffeine, table salt, alcohol, sodas and excessively high fat, high-calorie foods from my diet. Some were harder to let go than others were, but one by one they fell by the wayside in exchange for healthier options.
Second, I stopped hiding my struggle. Those who loved me had known all along anyway—my size 18 wasn't a good disguise. I was only fooling myself. I realized I had fallen into a habit of secretly losing a little weight with the hope that others would notice. When they didn't, I became discouraged and eventually quit. I decided to try a different approach and bring God, my family and friends into the program with me. This way, I was encouraged and held accountable. Eventually, I joined a SparkTeam and even started one of my own.
Third, I set my goals. I set concrete short, medium and long-term goals based on my interests. Some I knew were attainable, like doing cardio four days each week. Some were a stretch, like climbing Mt. Fuji someday—something that would take a lot of hard work to reach. I needed to have something on the horizon to aim at, a target. It was important for it to be realistic enough that I could focus on it instead of my overall weight loss goal. If I had begun by focusing on losing the whole 70 pounds, I would have become overwhelmed and possibly given up.
Fourth, I put a concrete plan in motion to help me succeed. I wrote out my plan on my SparkPage to keep myself accountable. This included making my Nutrition and Fitness Trackers public so others could see what I was tracking. I devoted myself to following my plan, even on the days when I wanted to quit. I determined there were only two choices: to quit or continue. And quitting wasn't an option.
Along the way, a funny thing happened. I found me! Each honest step I took loosened the control food had over me. Once I began to see the fruits of my labor, I realized that I could have done it all along. I had been making excuses and giving away my freedom to choose a better life. Through overcoming the old me, I realized that my personality had been stifled. I wasn't energetic enough to be on the outside the person I was on the inside. Now, I have a zeal that was lost for years. I am alive! I've even tackled new physical challenges and along the way come to think of myself as an athlete. In August, I climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji. And in November, my whole family decided to run the Marine Corps-sponsored Toys for Tots 5K on Yokosuka Naval Base. I'll never forget what happened between my son and me that day.
The horn blew and we started at a good clip, with my young son jogging easily and setting a good pace. It wasn't long before he was ready to slow down a little, and not long after that, he was ready to quit altogether. He had brought a lime green bandanna to wear around his neck but had taken it off. As he was about to give up, I took the bandanna from him and grasped one end tightly. Handing him the other end, I said, "Come on, I won't let go. We can do it together every step of the way." I wanted so desperately for him to overcome all that held him back and simply persevere to the end.
I spoke to him of children who would benefit from what we were doing and of those who walk more than five kilometers just to get a drink of dirty water. We spoke of climbing Mt. Fuji and other challenges that life still holds ahead of us. I pulled and pushed him. I cheered for him. I empathized with him. I shared bits and pieces of life wisdom with him. This was not the first time I had told him that I believe in him, that "You can do it!" Even still, today was different. Today was that opportunity for him to rise above something bigger than he was, and not just to call himself a conqueror, but also to feel it in his spirit.
During the last leg, as we could see the finish line, I was giving him a pep talk. I wish I could recall the exact words I said to him at that moment, but I'll never forget his response: "Yeah, just like YOU believe in me." At that moment, my heart swelled with love and hope. Hope that he will embrace those words and grow to be a confident man who does not fear life's challenges. He confirmed that he does truly listen to me and believes me when I tell him, "I believe in you."
As we neared the finish line, he told me he was ready to sprint. He let go of the green bandanna we had carried together for the last 3 miles and we sprinted together to the finish line. During the whole race, he never stopped moving forward—not once. He had ups and downs, but he never quit. And as we crossed that finish line side-by-side, he became a little more of the adult I will someday know him to be.
After grabbing some water and finding my husband, we stood together to listen to the race results. My softhearted 8-year-old son said to me, "That was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it." In that moment, I learned the most beautiful truth: Today he came to believe in himself, like SparkPeople helped me believe in myself. This would have never happened had I not wrestled with my food and exercise demon and come out victorious, believing in myself. This moment was made possible by SparkPeople and one life changed—no, make that two.
I realized that perhaps the greatest consequence of my weight loss (60 pounds to date) is that I have the ability to help others in a meaningful way. I never thought I would see the day when others would call me an inspiration. Living as a fat person enabled me to relate better to the struggles of others. I guess those 11 "fat" years weren't completely wasted after all.
Weight Loss Led to a Meaningful Moment with My Son
-- By Audri, SparkPeople Member
One day my soul woke up and it was fat! It didn't happen overnight; I wasn't always fat. I had spent the last 11 years eating emotionally. It started with my husband's death. We had been newlyweds. Emotional eating stayed with me long after my wounds began to heal and even after I remarried. It had become a habit. And even though I knew I was hurting myself, I felt powerless to overcome it. Food had control over my life for years, but finally, I decided to live differently. From somewhere came a glimmer of hope that my life could be different.
Then SparkPeople showed up with a soft knock and an invitation: "Can Audri come out and play?" This began a journey of self-discovery I never could have imagined. You see, I didn't realize that year after year, my personality and my future were slowly being buried under a growing layer of fat!
SparkPeople helped me realize for the first time that to be successful I had to make some serious changes. It wasn't enough to make a New Year's resolution and hope for the best. I had to commit to being different…but first I had to believe it was possible. So I started with what I knew to be true. I knew I had not always been fat. I knew others had overcome even greater weight obstacles than mine. Mostly, I knew that through my faith, I could do anything. After acknowledging these things, I felt prepared to commit to whatever it took to conquer myself. Within a week, I came up with the four strategies I would use to set myself up for success.
First, I assessed my battle with food in an honest way. My "If they don't see me eat it, it doesn't count" attitude had to go! Using the Nutrition Tracker, I took a close look at my food choices and it opened my eyes! Over time, I chose to eliminate caffeine, table salt, alcohol, sodas and excessively high fat, high-calorie foods from my diet. Some were harder to let go than others were, but one by one they fell by the wayside in exchange for healthier options.
Second, I stopped hiding my struggle. Those who loved me had known all along anyway—my size 18 wasn't a good disguise. I was only fooling myself. I realized I had fallen into a habit of secretly losing a little weight with the hope that others would notice. When they didn't, I became discouraged and eventually quit. I decided to try a different approach and bring God, my family and friends into the program with me. This way, I was encouraged and held accountable. Eventually, I joined a SparkTeam and even started one of my own.
Third, I set my goals. I set concrete short, medium and long-term goals based on my interests. Some I knew were attainable, like doing cardio four days each week. Some were a stretch, like climbing Mt. Fuji someday—something that would take a lot of hard work to reach. I needed to have something on the horizon to aim at, a target. It was important for it to be realistic enough that I could focus on it instead of my overall weight loss goal. If I had begun by focusing on losing the whole 70 pounds, I would have become overwhelmed and possibly given up.
Fourth, I put a concrete plan in motion to help me succeed. I wrote out my plan on my SparkPage to keep myself accountable. This included making my Nutrition and Fitness Trackers public so others could see what I was tracking. I devoted myself to following my plan, even on the days when I wanted to quit. I determined there were only two choices: to quit or continue. And quitting wasn't an option.
Along the way, a funny thing happened. I found me! Each honest step I took loosened the control food had over me. Once I began to see the fruits of my labor, I realized that I could have done it all along. I had been making excuses and giving away my freedom to choose a better life. Through overcoming the old me, I realized that my personality had been stifled. I wasn't energetic enough to be on the outside the person I was on the inside. Now, I have a zeal that was lost for years. I am alive! I've even tackled new physical challenges and along the way come to think of myself as an athlete. In August, I climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji. And in November, my whole family decided to run the Marine Corps-sponsored Toys for Tots 5K on Yokosuka Naval Base. I'll never forget what happened between my son and me that day.
The horn blew and we started at a good clip, with my young son jogging easily and setting a good pace. It wasn't long before he was ready to slow down a little, and not long after that, he was ready to quit altogether. He had brought a lime green bandanna to wear around his neck but had taken it off. As he was about to give up, I took the bandanna from him and grasped one end tightly. Handing him the other end, I said, "Come on, I won't let go. We can do it together every step of the way." I wanted so desperately for him to overcome all that held him back and simply persevere to the end.
I spoke to him of children who would benefit from what we were doing and of those who walk more than five kilometers just to get a drink of dirty water. We spoke of climbing Mt. Fuji and other challenges that life still holds ahead of us. I pulled and pushed him. I cheered for him. I empathized with him. I shared bits and pieces of life wisdom with him. This was not the first time I had told him that I believe in him, that "You can do it!" Even still, today was different. Today was that opportunity for him to rise above something bigger than he was, and not just to call himself a conqueror, but also to feel it in his spirit.
During the last leg, as we could see the finish line, I was giving him a pep talk. I wish I could recall the exact words I said to him at that moment, but I'll never forget his response: "Yeah, just like YOU believe in me." At that moment, my heart swelled with love and hope. Hope that he will embrace those words and grow to be a confident man who does not fear life's challenges. He confirmed that he does truly listen to me and believes me when I tell him, "I believe in you."
As we neared the finish line, he told me he was ready to sprint. He let go of the green bandanna we had carried together for the last 3 miles and we sprinted together to the finish line. During the whole race, he never stopped moving forward—not once. He had ups and downs, but he never quit. And as we crossed that finish line side-by-side, he became a little more of the adult I will someday know him to be.
After grabbing some water and finding my husband, we stood together to listen to the race results. My softhearted 8-year-old son said to me, "That was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it." In that moment, I learned the most beautiful truth: Today he came to believe in himself, like SparkPeople helped me believe in myself. This would have never happened had I not wrestled with my food and exercise demon and come out victorious, believing in myself. This moment was made possible by SparkPeople and one life changed—no, make that two.
I realized that perhaps the greatest consequence of my weight loss (60 pounds to date) is that I have the ability to help others in a meaningful way. I never thought I would see the day when others would call me an inspiration. Living as a fat person enabled me to relate better to the struggles of others. I guess those 11 "fat" years weren't completely wasted after all.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Forward . . . March!
Last night I headed to the gym anxious to get back to running. It was going to be the first time doing a run since I delivered the twins in July. I needed to see where I was starting from so I would know how far I have to go in order to be ready for a 12 mile run on January 1st. That's my next lofty goal - to run from Yokohama to Yokosuka.
I've nursed a groin injury since the last trimester of my pregnancy, so I knew I would be starting slow. Additionally, I'm carrying much more weight than I was when I was running an 8 minute mile before my pregnancy. In fact, I'm carrying almost 40 pounds more.
I'm telling all of this to make a record of where I was when this process began. I am going to do something considered taboo in our society. Yes, I'm going to publicly state my weight. I know. I'm a woman and women aren't supposed to do that - ever - right? Well, I'm a firm believer that a person cannot heal from anything they can't say out loud. Saying it out loud breaks it's power over you, no matter what it is. I weigh 186 pounds. That number suddenly looks really large to me.
Furthermore, this is what I learned at the gym. My groin is still sore, but it's not terrible. My first go round on the treadmill yielded disappointment for me. I wound up running a mile in 15:22. Wow, that certainly is not where I was at pre-pregnancy, but we all have to start somewhere!
Now that I know where I'm at, I have some goals to shoot for. I'm going to focus on lowering my run time for the mile incrementally. I'm going to start working for speed and continue until mid-November. At that time, I'll begin working on distance. Assuming my groin injury continues to heal, I don't think January 1st is unrealistic for my 12 mile run. Once that is under my belt, I'll be focusing on training for the Marine Corps Marathon in November.
My muscles are super sore from weight training two days ago. YES! It lets me know I'm alive and making forward progress! I'm definitely not Superwoman and I've never been a runner, but no one is going to lose this weight for me. So tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not, I'll be planting myself in my livingroom, weights and stability ball on hand. I'll take another step forward and give it all I've got!
I've nursed a groin injury since the last trimester of my pregnancy, so I knew I would be starting slow. Additionally, I'm carrying much more weight than I was when I was running an 8 minute mile before my pregnancy. In fact, I'm carrying almost 40 pounds more.
I'm telling all of this to make a record of where I was when this process began. I am going to do something considered taboo in our society. Yes, I'm going to publicly state my weight. I know. I'm a woman and women aren't supposed to do that - ever - right? Well, I'm a firm believer that a person cannot heal from anything they can't say out loud. Saying it out loud breaks it's power over you, no matter what it is. I weigh 186 pounds. That number suddenly looks really large to me.
Furthermore, this is what I learned at the gym. My groin is still sore, but it's not terrible. My first go round on the treadmill yielded disappointment for me. I wound up running a mile in 15:22. Wow, that certainly is not where I was at pre-pregnancy, but we all have to start somewhere!
Now that I know where I'm at, I have some goals to shoot for. I'm going to focus on lowering my run time for the mile incrementally. I'm going to start working for speed and continue until mid-November. At that time, I'll begin working on distance. Assuming my groin injury continues to heal, I don't think January 1st is unrealistic for my 12 mile run. Once that is under my belt, I'll be focusing on training for the Marine Corps Marathon in November.
My muscles are super sore from weight training two days ago. YES! It lets me know I'm alive and making forward progress! I'm definitely not Superwoman and I've never been a runner, but no one is going to lose this weight for me. So tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not, I'll be planting myself in my livingroom, weights and stability ball on hand. I'll take another step forward and give it all I've got!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Did Those Words Really Come Out of My Mouth?
Yesterday, I mapped my nutrition for the whole day before ever taking a bite. I found myself short on protein in my meal planning for the day, so I made some adjustments that included eating a boiled egg as a part of my evening snack. When the evening came, I announced to my husband that I was headed to the kitchen to eat a boiled egg for a snack. My husband, who is notorious for his evening snacks of Ben & Jerry's, chips, nachos, pie, and the like, could only say, "That's really weird." I said I guess that WOULD seem weird if you think of eating in any terms other than fueling your body.
I had a growth moment, an epiphany! Did those words really come out of MY mouth? I realized I've completely changed the way I think about food. For more than 30 years, eating was all about what I was "in the mood" for. How often have I said those words, "What are you in the mood to have for dinner?" I didn't realize I was going about it all the wrong way. The question all along should have been, "What does my body need that I haven't given it enough of today?"
Fast forward . . . my husband called me today after his workout and said in spite of his consistent weekly fitness routine, he is not seeing any progress in his run and is feeling sluggish during his workouts. Voila, the opportunity for an inroad! I asked if it could be a combination of low water consumption and a lack of appropriate levels of carbs and protein. He acknowledged as much and I began to see a glimmer of hope. Maybe his thinking is going to shift now as he takes steps to boost his performance.
We all have goals, some spoken, some not. What I have ultimately come to realize is that I'm not going to get where I'm wanting to go if I'm not paying attention to how I'm fueling my body. Food . . . it's like the fuel in my car . . . I have to pay attention to keep the tank from running dry so that it gets me where I need to go!
I had a growth moment, an epiphany! Did those words really come out of MY mouth? I realized I've completely changed the way I think about food. For more than 30 years, eating was all about what I was "in the mood" for. How often have I said those words, "What are you in the mood to have for dinner?" I didn't realize I was going about it all the wrong way. The question all along should have been, "What does my body need that I haven't given it enough of today?"
Fast forward . . . my husband called me today after his workout and said in spite of his consistent weekly fitness routine, he is not seeing any progress in his run and is feeling sluggish during his workouts. Voila, the opportunity for an inroad! I asked if it could be a combination of low water consumption and a lack of appropriate levels of carbs and protein. He acknowledged as much and I began to see a glimmer of hope. Maybe his thinking is going to shift now as he takes steps to boost his performance.
We all have goals, some spoken, some not. What I have ultimately come to realize is that I'm not going to get where I'm wanting to go if I'm not paying attention to how I'm fueling my body. Food . . . it's like the fuel in my car . . . I have to pay attention to keep the tank from running dry so that it gets me where I need to go!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
You Just Get Better All the Time
One day while I was listening to music in my livingroom, my son walked in. The song, "You just get better all the time," came on. My loving son smiled at me and stepped into my arms. As we swayed to the the music, he only smiled up at me with the sweetest smile. If I could have frozen that moment in time.
My son considers that "our song" now. Everytime it plays, he gives me a knowing look and a smile - and occasionally we dance. On a recent evening, I went up to take a long, soaking, hot bath. He had prepared my
One day I asked him why he likes that song so much and he said "it reminds me of you." Isn't that the way it is? Others see us in ways we can't even begin to see ourselves. Sometimes what our children see is the purest assessment of who we truly are. Sometimes what they see is convicting. Whether we're at our highest or lowest, they still have the amazing ability to accept us wherever we are. At times I've thought that everything I've never needed to know, I could learn from my nine year-old son. Maybe all of us could take a lesson from our kids. Are there parts of ourselves we refuse to accept? Ways we beat ourselves up instead of forgiving our faults or shortcomings and finding a better way to be, to live?
Here are the lyrics:
You just get better all the time
Darlin' don't you change a thing
Lately you're the only song I wanna sing
And you're my reason to try
You just get sweeter every day
The little things you do and say
If only you could see you through my eyes
You just get better all the time
Oh, and I get the feelin' we can make it baby
As long as you are by my side
You're the music in my ears
The laughter when the tears
Are fallin' down in my life
And on down through the years
You never tried to change my ways
You never made me feel
I had to say "I'm sorry"
You just get better all the time
Why just today I heard you read my mind
That kinda magic is so hard to find
You just get better all the time
The funny thing is this reminds me of my son. Each time I listen to this song, I'm inspired to be a better Mama. Each time, I'm reminded that he sees so much more positive in me than I see in myself. And I realize a little more the meaning of love and grace. 
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
There are No Shortcuts to Any Place Worth Going
How true it is - there are no shortcuts to any place worth going. This is the kind of thing my mom would have said to me when I was growing up. It's the kind of thing I now say to my nine year-old son. It also reminds me of something the late Yogi Berra said, "If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up some place else."
But how many of us really know where we're going? We so often let life happen to us without so much as lifting a finger. Let's be honest with ourselves and each other. Our decisions wind up being made for us, leaving us free to complain that some other force took away our choice. We leave our goals open to interpretation by others because we choose not to make them concrete and tangible. For example, we say we're trying to get healthy, eat better, and get more exercise, all in the name of losing weight. Then, instead of creating a plan to lose that weight, we throw caution to the wind. We wind up out with friends, at work with coworkers, or having a potluck at church, etc. without a firm plan. When that happens, we allow the presence of others, their unhealthy choices, peer pressure, and our own solidified, bad habits to dictate that we are going to throw away the little mental plan we have and we're going to call it "no will power" or "no motivation" or something along those lines. The truth is, we just set ourselves up for failure.
Every job has it's tools. A mechanic wouldn't be without his wrenches. A policeman wouldn't be without his gun. A teacher wouldn't be without a lesson plan. The list goes on. . . The point is, we can't do this job of turning our lives, our weight, around if we don't use the tools we need. What are some of the tools vital for weight loss? This list is not all-inclusive, but a great start.
1. a well thought-out, written out, plan (i.e. your SPARK PAGE)
2. a person or people to support said plan (i.e. SPARK PEOPLE!)
3. a kitchen stocked with healthy food options
4. an arsenal of strength and cardio fitness ideas
5. water
6. sleep
Isn't it time to take the steps necessary to insure we succeed? If there is a
Healthy foods we can enjoy.
Fitness activities we can get excited to do.
Inspiration that strikes a cord for us.
The work will be hard, but will be incredibly rewarding as you see yourself make progress through a serious effort. Don't expect to give only a fraction of effort and reap serious rewards. Know where you're going. Know how to get there. And avoid the shortcuts and quick fixes. In the end, you will find yourself right where you meant to be. Remember, it's a place worth going. Make a plan and get there!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Delayed Obedience is Disobedience
Tonight I said to my son, "Delayed obedience is disobedience." Moments after I said those words it occurred to me that I am guilty of the same. What have I delayed that is causing me to be disobedient? How long have I delayed? In some cases only moments have passed. In other cases, years have passed. In still others, my whole life has slipped by without so much as a glimmer of obedience. For example, God has been tugging on my heart and calling me to sing for Him for years. Have I pursued singing with anything other than casual desire? Sadly, no. Why is that? In fact, why do we delay any of the things we do? For me, I think it's fear. Fear of doing that thing I love the most, that I've poured most of myself into, and being told it's still not good enough.
And how often have I given myself a pass on going to the gym instead of obediently going? Too often! Am I throwing out my health and fitness and treating my body like a trashcan more often than not? Are we afraid of never being able to accomplish the goal we've set for ourselves - often some arbitrary number on a scale? How do you overcome the fear of failure and with courage step forward and receive whatever awaits? If I ultimately fail to achieve some arbitrary marker for success, that doesn't mean I have failed. Along the way I will become more of who I am supposed to be. I will gain so much more from simply taking the step and believing that what I'm doing is the right thing, the healthy thing.
So what about that arbitrary marker for success - a number on the scale. We strive like mad to reach that number. Sometimes we do it hoping to succeed, but expecting to fail. We set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are what we think we are, either failure, or success. If we reach one number shy of the one we're shooting for on that scale, but have still lost 40 pounds, are we really a failure? Of course not!
Maybe it's time to shed the fear of failure, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of discomfort, fear of disappointment (either our own or someone else's), and simply take that step forward. We have to believe that we are moving in the right direction - striving for something great than ourselves...and for something greater than that number on our scale. Remember that the journey is more important than the destination.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Incentives (A.K.A. Motivation)
The long wait is finally over as I delivered my twins in July. The doctor cleared me to get back to my fitness routine and I have to admit, walking back into the fitness center wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be. Being sleep-deprived with newborns and feeling sluggish from the extra weight I'm now carrying left me feeling "unmotivated." Then I decided to take away my choice for anything other than change.
Now-a-days we all have too many choices. Come on. How many salad dressings do we really need to choose from? So I decided that there was only one choice to make - to move in the only direction I could that would make me healthy. That included getting my workout clothes on and going to the gym. Once I thought of it in terms of "the decision is already made", all I had to do was comply. How easy is that - to comply? It should be easy. I'm only acting in accordance with my own wish, which is to lose this weight. That's all complying is.
I started thinking about motivation and questioned whether I had it or not. I may have even written on this subject before. Don't many of us say those words, "I'm just not motivated."? What does that mean? To have no motivation. We need to understand what motivation truly is before we can say unequivocally that we don't have it.
The root word for motivation is "motive". In the dictionary, motive is referred to as something that "causes a person to act in a certain way or do a certain thing", an "incentive." It also says a motive is "the goal or object of a person's actions."
SHAZAM! I do have it! In fact, according to this definition, we ALL have motivation. For some of us, our incentive is to reach a certain dress or pant size. For others, our incentive is to reach for another cookie. We cannot use the age old excuse that we "have no motivation." That's a crock. The choice is ours.
What will be the goal or object of our actions. Is our goal to stay comfortably on the couch watching our favorite show? Is our goal to eat that comfort food because it takes away our pain or our boredom? Is our goal to save ourselves from disappointment because the task of losing weight seems insurmountable? We're all motivated by something. What is your incentive - A.K.A. - motivation?
I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that my incentives include: being healthy, feeling great, living longer, setting a good example for my kids and others, and building my confidence. These ARE my motivation and they only scratch the surface. Of course, looking good and getting an occasional cat call from my husband isn't a bad incentive either. Now it's just a matter of developing a plan to achieve these things.
To that end, I'm back to my tried and true formula. The one that helped me shed 61 pounds before I became pregnant with the twins. The great thing is that it's no secret, only healthy food and regular exercise. Who knew it could be that simple. Now all I have to do it simply comply! :) Are you ready and willing to do the same?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thoughts on the Last Hours of My Pregnancy
In Okinawa, Japan, on Monday morning, July 14, 2009, I'll be wheeled into the OR. Within an hour or so I will be looking at two beautiful little people whom we've waited 36 weeks to meet. At times it has felt as if the waiting would never end. It was the same with Koen - the anticipation. I was compelled to document on this last day, the thoughts and emotions I've experienced in the last 24 hours of waiting. Where do I even begin?
I'm fairly certain this will be the last time I ever experience pregnancy. The thought doesn't make me sad, though I know at many points throughout the rest of my life I will reminisce about the feeling of a child moving inside me. Even now, I see my belly roll to and fro, and as I reach out to connect with one or the other of my children I am filled with awe and wonder. It grips me - a smile spreading across my face. Soon, I think, I will meet you soon . . . and all too soon it will be over, and feel as if the time flew. Isn't that our way? How often do we say, "I can't wait to _____." We find ourselves so wrapped up in wanting to get there that we often lose sight of the preciousness of now. This is the thinking I've embraced over the last week of my pregnancy. I resolved not to wish away these precious moments, but to embrace them and let them mold and shape me.
Before long, our family will morph into a new creation. No longer a family of three, but of five, we will be forging a new path, acutely aware of new personalities, and new dynamics. Some changes will be expected, yet countless others will be the result of trial and error. I'm ready for whatever the moment throws at me. Certainly, I'm much more prepared than I was when Koen was born. I expect to slip up and make mistakes just as I have with Koen, but I'm older and wiser now, and more importantly, I have God directing my life.
The last 36 weeks have brought on a plethora of physical and emotional moments. Physically, I have experienced the following: stretch marks, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and falling, itchiness, food cravings and aversions, sleeplessness, frequent urination, leg cramps, abdominal pain, constipation, swelling of the hands, feet, and ankles, back pain, weight gain, extreme fatigue, round ligament pain, heightened sense of smell, breast soreness, hot flashes, low abdominal swelling, and pelvic congestion syndrome. In addition, my waistline has expanded to 54 inches! It doesn't sound like a walk in the park, yet here I am no worse for the wear. All of these physical manifestations will go away eventually, except for my fading stretch marks, which will closely resemble my memory of these symptoms.
If the physical symptoms are fleeting, the emotions are anything but. Many of these thoughts and questions that linger now will be enduring. For example, how will I juggle teaching three children, what will the challenges be, and how will their personalities help shape me personally, and our family as a whole? We will love each other, but will we like each other as people? Greater than the mood swings and emotionally tinged weepiness is the overwhelming feeling of excitement, nervousness, and hope for the future.
For years a common faulty assumption was that we had only one child because we determined one was enough, or perhaps we had one and decided parenting wasn't our forte. Maybe we just didn't enjoy being parents. Nothing could have been further from the truth and yet I was questioned on a regular basis about having more children and giving Koen siblings. Little did some of these well-intentioned or curious individuals know that we tried for 6.5 years before finally succeeding in having more children. I don't expect this question of having more children to plague me any longer.
Mostly in these last hours, I wonder what each baby will look like. I imagine staring down into their little faces, falling in love with them. What family traits will we see? How much hair will they have? What will their cries sound like? Will they be happy babies like Koen was? I'm marveling at the thought that in mere hours I'm going to be able to hold and nurture them.
What joys and challenges lie ahead? Obviously, I don't know the answer to that question, but I know that whatever they are God will give us the grace to meet them head on. Together as a family, we are charting new territory, laying the groundwork for an amazing future. Those who have known us know that we have spent the last ten years on one "grand adventure" after another. This is not only the next chapter, but one of the biggest adventures of all - parenting. Having Koen as my son has been among the greatest joys of my life. To think that I'm being given the chance to be a Mama again is humbling. It's an overwhelming responsibility, which I will not take for granted. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and blessed beyond measure.
I'm fairly certain this will be the last time I ever experience pregnancy. The thought doesn't make me sad, though I know at many points throughout the rest of my life I will reminisce about the feeling of a child moving inside me. Even now, I see my belly roll to and fro, and as I reach out to connect with one or the other of my children I am filled with awe and wonder. It grips me - a smile spreading across my face. Soon, I think, I will meet you soon . . . and all too soon it will be over, and feel as if the time flew. Isn't that our way? How often do we say, "I can't wait to _____." We find ourselves so wrapped up in wanting to get there that we often lose sight of the preciousness of now. This is the thinking I've embraced over the last week of my pregnancy. I resolved not to wish away these precious moments, but to embrace them and let them mold and shape me.
Before long, our family will morph into a new creation. No longer a family of three, but of five, we will be forging a new path, acutely aware of new personalities, and new dynamics. Some changes will be expected, yet countless others will be the result of trial and error. I'm ready for whatever the moment throws at me. Certainly, I'm much more prepared than I was when Koen was born. I expect to slip up and make mistakes just as I have with Koen, but I'm older and wiser now, and more importantly, I have God directing my life.
The last 36 weeks have brought on a plethora of physical and emotional moments. Physically, I have experienced the following: stretch marks, nausea, vomiting, dizziness and falling, itchiness, food cravings and aversions, sleeplessness, frequent urination, leg cramps, abdominal pain, constipation, swelling of the hands, feet, and ankles, back pain, weight gain, extreme fatigue, round ligament pain, heightened sense of smell, breast soreness, hot flashes, low abdominal swelling, and pelvic congestion syndrome. In addition, my waistline has expanded to 54 inches! It doesn't sound like a walk in the park, yet here I am no worse for the wear. All of these physical manifestations will go away eventually, except for my fading stretch marks, which will closely resemble my memory of these symptoms.
If the physical symptoms are fleeting, the emotions are anything but. Many of these thoughts and questions that linger now will be enduring. For example, how will I juggle teaching three children, what will the challenges be, and how will their personalities help shape me personally, and our family as a whole? We will love each other, but will we like each other as people? Greater than the mood swings and emotionally tinged weepiness is the overwhelming feeling of excitement, nervousness, and hope for the future.
For years a common faulty assumption was that we had only one child because we determined one was enough, or perhaps we had one and decided parenting wasn't our forte. Maybe we just didn't enjoy being parents. Nothing could have been further from the truth and yet I was questioned on a regular basis about having more children and giving Koen siblings. Little did some of these well-intentioned or curious individuals know that we tried for 6.5 years before finally succeeding in having more children. I don't expect this question of having more children to plague me any longer.
Mostly in these last hours, I wonder what each baby will look like. I imagine staring down into their little faces, falling in love with them. What family traits will we see? How much hair will they have? What will their cries sound like? Will they be happy babies like Koen was? I'm marveling at the thought that in mere hours I'm going to be able to hold and nurture them.
What joys and challenges lie ahead? Obviously, I don't know the answer to that question, but I know that whatever they are God will give us the grace to meet them head on. Together as a family, we are charting new territory, laying the groundwork for an amazing future. Those who have known us know that we have spent the last ten years on one "grand adventure" after another. This is not only the next chapter, but one of the biggest adventures of all - parenting. Having Koen as my son has been among the greatest joys of my life. To think that I'm being given the chance to be a Mama again is humbling. It's an overwhelming responsibility, which I will not take for granted. I'm as ready as I'll ever be and blessed beyond measure.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Nearing the Pregnancy Finish Line
I am writing from my hospital bed at the US Naval Hospital in Okinawa. I was admitted on June 8th because I went into preterm labor at 31 weeks. I will be here until I deliver. I'll update my page again once I deliver.
I'm feeling great! The closer I get to delivering, the more excited I get about a number of things. Meeting our babies is of course the most exciting part. In addition, I know it signals the beginning of a new fitness routine. When I had my son in 1999, I wasn't very active, but this time will be different. I have already set new goals to strive for - goals I'm excited to get to work on.
According to my doctor, I should be cleared in time to climb Mt. Fuji again this season. My husband and son are going up at the end of August. I plan to be there as long as I'm cleared to climb. That is going to be the first of many mini-goals I'll be using to hopefully propel myself towardthe finish line at the Marine Corps Marathon in the fall of next year.
It's funny, I was looking at my legs a couple days ago. The swelling in my ankles and feet is gone. They are going to be back to running in no time at all. Only this time they'll be hoofing it behind a jogging stroller. I'll be ready to reclaim my body.
This process I'll be going through is all the more exciting because I've done it before. I'm looking forward to seeing the progress and making those milestones again, one dress size at a time. In the end, I know I'm going to be in the best shape of my life! History has shown me how good it feels to be healthy. I seem to glow inside and out when I'm taking care of my body.
The other part that I'm thrilled about is the example I'll be setting for my 9.5-year-old son, as well as my twins. I didn't show my son good fitness and nutrition habits when he was young. It took time to help him adjust his decision-making when it came to food. This time around I know we'll be making better decisions as a family and raising the twins with different habits.
For now, I'm focusing on getting through the next several weeks mostly bed-ridden. My goal here is to challenge and inspire the staff as they take care of me. I want to listen and uplift along the way, be a great patient, and minister to each person who walks through my door. I want to leave behind much more than my used hospital gown. I want to leave a mark.
I hope you all are making a difference in your own lives . . . and leaving your own positive mark on all those you encounter. This is one of the aspects of Spark People that makes it so successful and uplifting.
I wish you all the best in your nutrition, fitness, and making YOUR mark. :)
I'm feeling great! The closer I get to delivering, the more excited I get about a number of things. Meeting our babies is of course the most exciting part. In addition, I know it signals the beginning of a new fitness routine. When I had my son in 1999, I wasn't very active, but this time will be different. I have already set new goals to strive for - goals I'm excited to get to work on.
According to my doctor, I should be cleared in time to climb Mt. Fuji again this season. My husband and son are going up at the end of August. I plan to be there as long as I'm cleared to climb. That is going to be the first of many mini-goals I'll be using to hopefully propel myself toward
It's funny, I was looking at my legs a couple days ago. The swelling in my ankles and feet is gone. They are going to be back to running in no time at all. Only this time they'll be hoofing it behind a jogging stroller. I'll be ready to reclaim my body.
This process I'll be going through is all the more exciting because I've done it before. I'm looking forward to seeing the progress and making those milestones again, one dress size at a time. In the end, I know I'm going to be in the best shape of my life! History has shown me how good it feels to be healthy. I seem to glow inside and out when I'm taking care of my body.
The other part that I'm thrilled about is the example I'll be setting for my 9.5-year-old son, as well as my twins. I didn't show my son good fitness and nutrition habits when he was young. It took time to help him adjust his decision-making when it came to food. This time around I know we'll be making better decisions as a family and raising the twins with different habits.
For now, I'm focusing on getting through the next several weeks mostly bed-ridden. My goal here is to challenge and inspire the staff as they take care of me. I want to listen and uplift along the way, be a great patient, and minister to each person who walks through my door. I want to leave behind much more than my used hospital gown. I want to leave a mark.
I hope you all are making a difference in your own lives . . . and leaving your own positive mark on all those you encounter. This is one of the aspects of Spark People that makes it so successful and uplifting.
I wish you all the best in your nutrition, fitness, and making YOUR mark. :)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
9 Year-Old's View of Perseverance
On May 30, 2009, I went to the pool with my 9.5 year-old son. He was beyond excited to take his swimming test so that he could earn an orange bracelet entitling him to swim anywhere in the pool without a parental escort. He is definitely coming into his own.
He took his test, passing all three parts easily. This in and of itself is enough to write a paper on perseverance considering its years in the making. However, this is not our story.
Upon securing his bracelet on his arm, he headed for the pool. The moment he stepped to the water slide, a lifeguard blew the whistle calling for a pool break.
During the pool break, another lifeguard walked over to the pool, picked up a water basketball, and began to shoot hoops. The ball would miss and be blown back to the edge by the considerable wind blowing that day. Each time, the young man would pick it up and try again. This repeated perhaps 7 times, each time ending in a missed basket. Eventually, the young man walked away.
My son Koen turned to look and said, "Did he quit?" I said, "Yes." Koen followed with, "That's too bad." I asked him why he thought it was too bad, to which he replied, "His next shot might have been the big one - perseverance is really important, you know."
I sat with a stunned smile on my face. What a moment! My son had finally shown me his understanding of the word perseverance. I'm hopeful for what his future holds. I know he won't be a quitter, that he will push through the difficulties of life knowing with full confidence that he'll get to the other side and be better for it. Again, for him and for me, what a moment.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
My Miscarriage and How I Nearly Missed a Blessing
I was recently thinking about pride when a new acquaintance said to me, "I have a hard time accepting favors from people. It's not that I'm prideful." Why else would a person be unable to accept a gift, favor, or graciousness from another? Does it really all come down to that? Pride?
Let me recall the summer of 2007 . . .
I was 3.5 months pregnant and happy to be over the "hump." You know, the three-month "everything should be fine now" hump. I was feeling great when I headed in for a check-up appointment. In fact, I was feeling so great that I didn't really feel pregnant, but rather normal. I shared this with my doctor, who unbeknownst to me was immediately alarmed. She searched for a heartbeat to no avail, then led me to the ultrasound machine, which confirmed my worst fear. I had miscarried. My body didn't trigger any obvious symptoms when the baby had died roughly two weeks previously, so I had no idea. I sat there with my 7-year-old son in the room, trying to be as stoic as possible, but I was devastated. We had tried for 5 years to have more children. I would have to have a D&C the following Monday and so would have to spend the weekend knowing the baby inside me had died and was still there. It was a horribly emotional time, exacerbated by the fact that a good friend came home during that time with her newborn baby girl. My heart broke as I held her on Saturday, only days after my appointment and two days before my scheduled surgery.
Sunday morning I awoke numb. I tried half-heartedly to get myself ready for church so that I could lead the music. I knew my friend would be there with her baby and felt certain that I would not be able to sing a clear note through tears. Others would be there to celebrate the gift of life - the life of my friend's precious baby girl. There was no doubt in my mind that I would distract from what should be a joyous occasion. I opted not to go to church.
Minutes after the service should have begun, there was a knock at our door. Much to my surprise, it was Chaplain Shafer! Why was he not at the service, leading his flock? He stepped into our living room and asked how I was feeling. Again, stoicism kicked in and I tried to hide the extent of my pain. I shared with him my concern about distracting from the miracle of the newest edition to our church. I also think I didn't want anyone to see me in my emotional state. I was supposed to be someone strong in their faith, but where was it then? I thought I was lacking and didn't want to show myself so weak in faith. What he said to me next opened my eyes to a truth that hadn't even occurred to me. He said I understand your reason for not coming and respect your decision. He went on to ask me if I didn't think it was possible that the love our church had was enough to both rejoice in the birth of a child and mourn the death of another? I was taken aback at the thought. We prayed together and he walked out to join our congregation, already roughly twenty minutes into the service.
I sat for a moment and cried, convicted that I was not where God wanted me to be. I was the sheep going astray, whom the pastor left the 99 for and went to find. I shot upstairs, threw my shoes on, and ran to the chapel up the street. I walked in wearing shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers, no make-up, and swollen eyes - stripped bare of any facade. I realized that there was no reason to hide myself away or present myself as unfazed.
My friend, holding her new baby, met me ten steps into the sanctuary and wrapped her arms around me. We held each other, both crying, as we sang the last verse of a hymn into one another's ears. Afterward, the whole church sat back down. I made my way to the second pew and took a seat with my head hanging low. I was trying to dry my tears when I noticed that the entire congregation began standing and one by one moved to take seats all around me and my friend. Within a moment, the hands of so many who loved me began to touch my shoulders and arms and that of my friend too. The chaplain stopped in his tracks and came forward. As all my brothers and sisters in Christ surrounded us, the chaplain prayed. I'd never felt so loved.
I cried softly off and on through the rest of the service. During the service, the words of a Casting Crowns song came to my mind, "Praise You in This Storm."
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Let me recall the summer of 2007 . . .
I was 3.5 months pregnant and happy to be over the "hump." You know, the three-month "everything should be fine now" hump. I was feeling great when I headed in for a check-up appointment. In fact, I was feeling so great that I didn't really feel pregnant, but rather normal. I shared this with my doctor, who unbeknownst to me was immediately alarmed. She searched for a heartbeat to no avail, then led me to the ultrasound machine, which confirmed my worst fear. I had miscarried. My body didn't trigger any obvious symptoms when the baby had died roughly two weeks previously, so I had no idea. I sat there with my 7-year-old son in the room, trying to be as stoic as possible, but I was devastated. We had tried for 5 years to have more children. I would have to have a D&C the following Monday and so would have to spend the weekend knowing the baby inside me had died and was still there. It was a horribly emotional time, exacerbated by the fact that a good friend came home during that time with her newborn baby girl. My heart broke as I held her on Saturday, only days after my appointment and two days before my scheduled surgery.
Sunday morning I awoke numb. I tried half-heartedly to get myself ready for church so that I could lead the music. I knew my friend would be there with her baby and felt certain that I would not be able to sing a clear note through tears. Others would be there to celebrate the gift of life - the life of my friend's precious baby girl. There was no doubt in my mind that I would distract from what should be a joyous occasion. I opted not to go to church.
Minutes after the service should have begun, there was a knock at our door. Much to my surprise, it was Chaplain Shafer! Why was he not at the service, leading his flock? He stepped into our living room and asked how I was feeling. Again, stoicism kicked in and I tried to hide the extent of my pain. I shared with him my concern about distracting from the miracle of the newest edition to our church. I also think I didn't want anyone to see me in my emotional state. I was supposed to be someone strong in their faith, but where was it then? I thought I was lacking and didn't want to show myself so weak in faith. What he said to me next opened my eyes to a truth that hadn't even occurred to me. He said I understand your reason for not coming and respect your decision. He went on to ask me if I didn't think it was possible that the love our church had was enough to both rejoice in the birth of a child and mourn the death of another? I was taken aback at the thought. We prayed together and he walked out to join our congregation, already roughly twenty minutes into the service.
I sat for a moment and cried, convicted that I was not where God wanted me to be. I was the sheep going astray, whom the pastor left the 99 for and went to find. I shot upstairs, threw my shoes on, and ran to the chapel up the street. I walked in wearing shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers, no make-up, and swollen eyes - stripped bare of any facade. I realized that there was no reason to hide myself away or present myself as unfazed.
My friend, holding her new baby, met me ten steps into the sanctuary and wrapped her arms around me. We held each other, both crying, as we sang the last verse of a hymn into one another's ears. Afterward, the whole church sat back down. I made my way to the second pew and took a seat with my head hanging low. I was trying to dry my tears when I noticed that the entire congregation began standing and one by one moved to take seats all around me and my friend. Within a moment, the hands of so many who loved me began to touch my shoulders and arms and that of my friend too. The chaplain stopped in his tracks and came forward. As all my brothers and sisters in Christ surrounded us, the chaplain prayed. I'd never felt so loved.
I cried softly off and on through the rest of the service. During the service, the words of a Casting Crowns song came to my mind, "Praise You in This Storm."
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
The service was coming to an end and I asked the chaplain if I could share my heart with the congregation. I could barely speak, but what I shared was this:
My heart is broken and I've cried until I feel my heart will stop beating. Living with a baby inside me who is no longer living is nearly unbearable. I don't understand. I may never understand. BUT, I know I can't thank God for the good times and curse Him in the bad. Like the song says, ". . . my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain 'I'm with you'. And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away." I will praise God even through this.
The service ended with the whole congregation gathered at the front of the church, wrapped in each other's arms, crying tears of both pain and joy. At that moment, I realized a very important lesson. Had I not gone to church, I would have robbed my brothers and sisters in Christ of an opportunity to be there for me, to love me, share my burden, and live their faith in Christ. How could I have taken that from them when I have been blessed in the past to be there for others? I didn't realize until then that my not being at church, though understandable and forgivable, was actually selfish. My stoicism was prideful and nearly stole from me the blessings God had in store for me as a result of the "storm."
I prayed and asked God to remove my desire for more children until such a time that it was His will, not mine if in fact that day ever came. Not only did He take away my yearning, but He placed a thankfulness in my heart that I had not given birth. My heart did a complete 180 - I was actually relieved! I began to embrace being a mom of one and feeling truly blessed. This was August of 2007.
The service was coming to an end and I asked the chaplain if I could share my heart with the congregation. I could barely speak, but what I shared was this:
My heart is broken and I've cried until I feel my heart will stop beating. Living with a baby inside me who is no longer living is nearly unbearable. I don't understand. I may never understand. BUT, I know I can't thank God for the good times and curse Him in the bad. Like the song says, ". . . my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain 'I'm with you'. And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away." I will praise God even through this.
The service ended with the whole congregation gathered at the front of the church, wrapped in each other's arms, crying tears of both pain and joy. At that moment, I realized a very important lesson. Had I not gone to church, I would have robbed my brothers and sisters in Christ of an opportunity to be there for me, to love me, share my burden, and live their faith in Christ. How could I have taken that from them when I have been blessed in the past to be there for others? I didn't realize until then that my not being at church, though understandable and forgivable, was actually selfish. My stoicism was prideful and nearly stole from me the blessings God had in store for me as a result of the "storm."
I prayed and asked God to remove my desire for more children until such a time that it was His will, not mine if in fact that day ever came. Not only did He take away my yearning, but He placed a thankfulness in my heart that I had not given birth. My heart did a complete 180 - I was actually relieved! I began to embrace being a mom of one and feeling truly blessed. This was August of 2007.
More than a year later, in October 2008, I began to feel stirrings of motherhood again. I prayed again and asked God to turn my heart if it was His timing. We began trying again in November to get pregnant and learned in December that we were indeed pregnant. In January we found we were pregnant with twins. I felt it was God's way of blessing us because of our miscarriage. He loved, healed, and restored me.
There are many things about life that I will never know or understand, but one thing is sure - I will continue to raise my hands to the one who gives and takes away, for it's His will, His plan, and not mine that is perfect and that I should strive for.
There are many things about life that I will never know or understand, but one thing is sure - I will continue to raise my hands to the one who gives and takes away, for it's His will, His plan, and not mine that is perfect and that I should strive for.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Okinawan Cookies & Pizza in the Sky
We took a field trip with a group of homeschooled families to Motobu, Okinawa yesterday. Our first stop was a recreational area called the Motobu Wellness area, where the kids made salt from seawater and traditional Japanese cookies. They all seemed to have a good time making the cookies and an even better time eating them. They tasted a little like sugar cookies and had a different texture and a slightly chalky aftertaste.The wellness area had a nice beach with volleyball nets set up. There were kayaks and jet skis as well. I'm not sure how it fits in, but they also had a pen full of goats, rabbits, roosters, and hens. Animals, they contribute to our sense of wellness! :)
After our short stop at the wellness area, we made our way up a large hill to a restaurant called Pizza in the Sky, more appropriately known as Cafe Kajinho. We had a group that included eight parents and fifteen kids ranging in age from 2 months to about 16. We converged on this place and it was somewhat of a zoo.
The menus were printed on large Japanese fans, with Japanese on one side and English on the other. It was a very simple menu. For the most part, they have one special pizza they make and people order that. You can get 7" or 14" pizzas. Yesterday, the toppings available were thick pepperoni, onions, green peppers, and corn. I ordered a loaded pizza and was pleasantly surprised that the corn fit right in with my other toppings. The pepperoni had a different sort of spice to it that wasn't hot, but had a wonderful flavor. The crust was somewhere between a thin and hand-tossed crust. Overall an excellent pizza!
The area around the restaurant had heavy foliage. The perimeter was skirted by a wooden fence that wouldn't keep out a goat. On the other side of this fence was a steep drop on three sides of the restaurant. Beyond that drop, the town of Motobu opened up on the horizon, flowing to the sea. It was a beautiful day and from our perch, we had nearly a 180-degree view of the ocean and surrounding hills.
Perhaps the most interesting thing I found on this trip was a certain table at the pizza restaurant. Sitting on the porch overlooking the ocean, I noticed one lone table that stood out. Every other table in the whole place was low to the floor for traditional Japanese seating, but this one was different. It was a large, odd-shaped, thick slab of wood perched atop the metal framework of an old, treadle-style Singer sewing machine. My mom would have loved it but wondered what happened the the sewing machine. :)
I must give a mention to the ice cream we encountered as well. We stopped at a market area and killed some time while waiting for others to arrive. While there, we grabbed some ice cream. Koen had his standard vanilla, but I got adventuresome and went out on a limb with some black sesame ice cream. I was slightly skeptical, but it's what the ladies recommended. I wasn't disappointed! It had an unusual flavor, though not overly sesame. I'd do it again, but next time I'll go for the sweet potato. :)
This was our first major outing since arriving in Okinawa. I am so looking forward to spending some more time up north, away from the American concentrated areas around the bases. We had to drive about 60 kilometers away from the base to find a Japanese person who didn't speak English. It was nice to experience a little more of Okinawan culture and yet I know I've not even scratched the surface. I'll keep you posted as the adventure goes on.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Answered Prayer - No Coincidences
Koen and I prayed this morning after his Bible study. We asked God to use us to bless anyone we came into contact with today. Here is how God answered that prayer...We have new neighbors. They are here from mainland Japan as well. They have a nine year-old boy and are also pregnant with twins, about three weeks behind us. We met them just tonight. I liked the parents. They were easy to talk with. And Koen? I honestly can't remember the last time Koen connected with another boy like he did with Micah. They were instantly pals. Koen says the boy is a "Class II Koen." Translation? "He is almost as creative and imaginative as me." He had SO much fun in the 1.5 hours we spent with that family. They are excited to get together again. We wound up walking them around the base and showed them where to find some groceries and other services.
Then...
A lady knocked on our door today. She was looking for the Stork's Nest office (the place we're staying.) It turns out she's trying to track down premie clothes for a friend who just had her baby at 26 weeks (not even a full pound). I invited her in so I could get her number. She made a comment that triggered my radar. Something just any other person wouldn't say. I could tell she was a military widow. Once I asked her, she told me she was married to a marine who died in Iraq four years ago and is now remarried to another marine. Of course, I shared my story, briefly, with her. She had never met anyone else who had been through any of that. She was surprised to find that I understood a lot of what she said. We only spoke about 30 minutes before she left. We traded numbers as well.
Backing up...
Last night, we went to AWANA. (The Bible based kids' club at the church.) While Koen was in his club, I went to an adult bible study. I turned off my cell phone so that I wouldn't disturb anyone. Well, after meeting the premie person above, I made a call to the chaplain's wife, whom we'd met on Sunday. I wanted to ask if she could pass the word that someone was in need of premie clothes, which are impossible to find here. She thought I was calling her back. Apparently, she had left me two messages earlier today saying she was going to the commissary and asking if I wanted to join her. Here's the amazing thing about that...
The lady who knocked on my door stepped in so I could get her number. I established in a moment that she was widowed at the same age I was. I asked her if she wanted something to drink and had time to stay and chat a little. She said, "Yes, but I have to leave by 12:30". I turned to look at the clock and it was 11:58 am. Guess what time the chaplain's wife had called me, according to my cell phone? Yep, 11:58. I was awed. The distraction of a ringing phone would likely have prevented the connection with this stranger.
The lady had shared with me that she struggled with God when her husband died. How could a loving God...? You can imagine the rest of that sentence. Well, at one point I said to her, "It was divine intervention that we met today." She knocked on the wrong door. Instead of walking away, she told me why she was looking for the Stork's Nest manager. Instead of simply directing her to the correct building, I offered to get involved and ask around for premie clothes. Why would I do that considering I know almost no one here? Instead of dropping the subject when she inadvertently let me know she was a widow, I asked the sensitive question. Instead of her avoiding the conversation, she embraced the opportunity to talk with me more. As she was leaving at 12:30, with a slightly sarcastic tone I said to her, "And people say there is no God." She agreed. To God be the glory, great things He hath done...and continues to do!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Constellations with my Son
When we arrived at our cottage in Okinawa, we had four bedrooms to choose from. Koen and I made the rounds testing the mattresses to choose the most comfortable bed. It so happened that the most comfortable bed also happened to be in the room that was painted with stars, with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Thus began our adventure last evening...
We lay in bed at 10 pm, staring at the ceiling, talking about things of no consequence. I asked Koen to choose and then describe to me the look and location of his favorite star or grouping of stars on the ceiling. Only a moment passed before he shared his find. He was great at explaining the design such that I found it in only a handful of seconds. We decided to name it the "Family". He then asked me to identify mine, which immediately took on the name the "Kite."
Once the favorites were identified, we began scanning the ceiling for patterns. We eventually named every constellation on our ceiling: Upside-Down, the Couple, the Glass, the Triangle, the Dog, Scooper, and the Cartwheel. We also identified the Northern and Southern stars. It was a great way to end our day, being creative, and being together.
I love those times with my son. They are markers for the past, present, and future of our relationship. We have spent years creating moments like these - spontaneous, fun-filled, creative, loving, snugly moments that continue even at 9.5 years old. Their enduring nature is symbolic of the strength of our relationship, our connection. I look forward with great anticipation to our future years of star-gazing, both indoors and out, pondering life, developing our creativity, and just plain being together. It doesn't get any better.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Pregnancy - Getting Over the Stumbling Blocks
Being pregnant again is strange, though I'm well-adjusted at this point to the idea of having twins. I haven't begun to feel any movement yet, but that's not far away. I'm currently 14 weeks.
The first trimester I was exhausted! I could not get enough sleep. My energy level was very low, though I managed to pep up a little when I would go to the gym. I tried to be in the gym three times a week but mostly got in two trips. I ran until I was eight weeks, but stopped around that time and began walking instead when we learned we were having twins.
I spent the first trimester eating pretty much anything I wanted. I was nauseous all the time. As soon as the nausea would hit me, I'd have to eat to make it go away. During the first three months, I had an aversion to fruits, vegetables, peanut butter, and coffee. I tried to eat the fruits and veggies, but they made me ill. I went cold turkey off my decaf coffee and peanut butter. The only foods I really wanted were red meat, cheese, and orange juice. I also ate a combination of mixed beans, boiled egg, and sweet relish.
Consequently, I've gained 21 pounds. It was hard to step on that scale because I knew it would look ugly to me, if not slightly depressing. But, today is the beginning of a new day. My nausea has gone away and I've begun to get control of my eating schedule. I've tracked my food for the first time in months today. I feel great about being on track. I'm no longer having any cravings or aversions - I'm very thankful. Chicken, fruits, and veggies have all come back into my diet.
Before anyone gets on a soapbox about my pregnancy nutrition, please know that I'm not restricting my calories in order to lose weight. I'm simply tracking them so that I don't go over my prescribed calories for my pregnancy. I was obviously eating way too many calories in the first trimester. I'm not "dieting."
Also, I'm not down about the weight. It's an obvious must (to a degree) for pregnancy. I know I will take it off after my delivery and I'm fine with that. My spirits are high and I'm positive. It came off the first time - it'll come off again.
It's a great day. The sun is out and it's beautiful. I'll get out and spend some time in the sun and hit the gym later as well. I'm relieved to be back in a healthy place. Thanks for all the well-wishes!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thoughts on Pregnancy and Then Some
Okay, I'm absolutely exhausted! That has to be where I begin as if there were any better place to begin. My brain at this moment just can't seem to think past the fog that is my pregnancy fatigue. Maybe once I take a nap I can recover enough to gather my thoughts.
I'm back and slightly recovered. I'm much better prepared to offer my thoughts...so...
Being pregnant again - it's an interesting experience in that it felt a little anticlimactic since I've done it once before. Of course, that was before I learned we were having twins. Now all of a sudden I feel like I've never done this before and I don't have a clue what I'm doing. It's new all over again. Talk about time-consuming. First, calling everyone to tell them of the pregnancy. Then calling all the same people again to tell them it's two. I hope I don't wind up making a third call. Whoa, would that one be scary.
When the doctor said my abdomen felt big for my gestational age, I thought, "Oh, that's not good." Minutes later he confirmed why and I was in shock. I can't say I was thrilled. Mostly I think I was shocked, then scared. It brought up so many more questions and I know enough to know that the changes are going to be more exacerbated because there are two. I wasn't exactly prepared for that, although I knew there was always a possibility. Apparently, there's more of a possibility than I thought. Women over 35 are twice as likely to have twins - I'm 36. Hmm. Who'd have guessed it? Oh, and taking Clomid didn't lower the odds any, since 10% of Clomid pregnancies result in twins.
I live in Yokohama, Japan - mainland. Stop the presses! Why?! Well, I can't deliver multiples on mainland Japan. Hmm. That begs the question, where then will these children be born? It turns out we will be moving temporarily to Okinawa. By we, I mean me and Koen, and whoever else wants to come and help me cook once I can't get out of bed. LOL We'll be there from April until the babies are born. That's supposed to be somewhere around August 10th, but I'll keep you posted.
All of this keeps life interesting. We knew the year would bring many changes. Here is our current tentative timeline:
February - a trip to Hokkaido, Japan for the Snow Festival
April - move to Okinawa
July - probably give birth
August - hopefully go back to mainland Japan
Sometime through all of this, we will be looking for our new orders, probably organizing another international move, packing out our house, getting passports for the babies, and who knows what else.
December/January - leave Japan for sights unseen...
Yes, life this year will definitely be an adventure. I'm looking forward with great anticipation to the year of a lifetime!
I'm back and slightly recovered. I'm much better prepared to offer my thoughts...so...
Being pregnant again - it's an interesting experience in that it felt a little anticlimactic since I've done it once before. Of course, that was before I learned we were having twins. Now all of a sudden I feel like I've never done this before and I don't have a clue what I'm doing. It's new all over again. Talk about time-consuming. First, calling everyone to tell them of the pregnancy. Then calling all the same people again to tell them it's two. I hope I don't wind up making a third call. Whoa, would that one be scary.
When the doctor said my abdomen felt big for my gestational age, I thought, "Oh, that's not good." Minutes later he confirmed why and I was in shock. I can't say I was thrilled. Mostly I think I was shocked, then scared. It brought up so many more questions and I know enough to know that the changes are going to be more exacerbated because there are two. I wasn't exactly prepared for that, although I knew there was always a possibility. Apparently, there's more of a possibility than I thought. Women over 35 are twice as likely to have twins - I'm 36. Hmm. Who'd have guessed it? Oh, and taking Clomid didn't lower the odds any, since 10% of Clomid pregnancies result in twins.
I live in Yokohama, Japan - mainland. Stop the presses! Why?! Well, I can't deliver multiples on mainland Japan. Hmm. That begs the question, where then will these children be born? It turns out we will be moving temporarily to Okinawa. By we, I mean me and Koen, and whoever else wants to come and help me cook once I can't get out of bed. LOL We'll be there from April until the babies are born. That's supposed to be somewhere around August 10th, but I'll keep you posted.
All of this keeps life interesting. We knew the year would bring many changes. Here is our current tentative timeline:
February - a trip to Hokkaido, Japan for the Snow Festival
April - move to Okinawa
July - probably give birth
August - hopefully go back to mainland Japan
Sometime through all of this, we will be looking for our new orders, probably organizing another international move, packing out our house, getting passports for the babies, and who knows what else.
December/January - leave Japan for sights unseen...
Yes, life this year will definitely be an adventure. I'm looking forward with great anticipation to the year of a lifetime!
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