Reasons or Excuses?

Excuses, excuses. Some people thrive on making them. In fact, often we spend more time honing our excuses than the time it would take to actually do something productive. Why do we waste this perfectly good time? How much of life have we missed out on as a result?

Many of our failures in life are related to fear. Fear fosters a failure to act, which means automatic failure. So, in order to get where we want to go and overcome this failure to act, we have to understand what is motivating our fear. Is it fear of failure? Fear of embarrassment? Fear of sub-par performance? Fear of injury? Fear of judgment? The list goes on. To move forward to greater health, adventure, and success, we must identify the fear that is fueling our inactivity. We all have likely personified one or more of the fears listed above at various points in our lives. But how do we know when we are being ruled by fear? It's my conclusion that fear often manifests itself as excuses.

Excuses are a powerful symptom of fear and differ from reasons. Reason is defined (in part) as sound judgment or good sense; to think through logically. By contrast, excuse is defined (in part) as a pretext or subterfuge. Subterfuge is evading a rule, escaping a consequence, or "dodging." So, here is the real question. Are we using excuses or "dodging" those things that would get us active and healthy or are our excuses truly legitimate reasons.

Today is the day to determine once and for if our fears are what stand in our way of reaching our goals. There's no better day than today to stop undermining our own success. It's time to sweep away the lingering excuses and push forward toward the prize! Like Mom said when I was a kid, "Can't never did!"

Visualizing and Verbalizing Goals

The difference between and dream and a goal is a plan. Dr. Phil McGraw recently spoke these words and they are so true. It got me thinking about how much my life has changed since I did my collage.

Verbalizing and visualizing my goals were the first steps in formulating my plan. Until I was faced with those two tasks, I couldn't have really told you what my goals were, much less what plan I had to get there.

It's like writing a good outline for a paper before you sit down to write the paper itself. In fact, it's like anything in life. You don't start painting without planning for the tools you'll need. You don't go out to play baseball without a ball, bat, and glove. So why do we more often than not treat our most intimate goals with less than that type of forethought? Just like writing, painting, or playing baseball, without that planning and forethought, we are destined to fall short of our goals or even fail to get started in the first place. We become dreamers instead, hoping for a change, but with no real direction.

I'm so thankful to have learned that lesson through Spark People. Because of it, I've been able to strive toward my goals in a way that would not have been possible before. Before, my goal was some arbitrary number on a scale. Imagine running a cross-country race when you don't know the path and can't find the finish line. Talk about confusion and frustration! Where would you even begin? That's where I was.

Thanks to Spark People, I'm visualizing and verbalizing my goals...developing a plan...and supporting me along the way!

My Flock Begins at Home

Today's healthy reflection called us to think about leading a successful flock. Who is my flock? In a nutshell, my flock is anyone who looks to me for love, support, guidance, mentoring, friendship, encouragement, or inspiration. So, who does this consist of?

The first of my flock is my son. My adorable 8.5-year-old little man who is soaking up lessons like a sponge. I can't always tell which ones he's internalizing, but I'm hopeful they're the healthy ones. Certainly, he's learning my bad habits along the way as well. That is why I'm working diligently to rid my life of said nasty habits. Oh, there is the standard talking with your mouth full, saying "excuse me" when you burp, those kinds of things, but the nasty habits I'm referring to are the more insidious ones. I'm talking about making unhealthy choices regarding nutrition and exercise that can and do lay waste to one's energy, self-esteem, and control - in essence to the whole body and mind. It occurs to me that one might not realize the true weight of the insidious nature of these bad choices. The dictionary refers to insidious as "operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect" or "beguiling but harmful; alluring." This perfectly describes what I did to my body for years. Everyone has to eat - it's food for the body. Food was my lure. I was an emotional eater and couldn't see how the choices I made were setting me up for future weight problems. I let myself use food as a crutch for all my ailments, mostly emotional. I just couldn't find a way of mimicking the joy I had when eating that Almond Joy or whatever happened to be in my hand at that moment.

Fast forward . . .
Now I am a mom to this wonderfully complex, fun-loving, warm, and EMOTIONAL 8.5-year-old boy. Am I looking at myself in the mirror? It's only been the last six months that I've finally come to understand the following about myself and food:
* My personality contributed to my being an emotional eater.
* I was using food to fill in the holes in my soul, not just the ones in my stomach.
* Our culture revolves socially around food.
* To overcome my attachment to food as anything other than sustenance I have to be introspective - knowing when and why I make the choice to turn to food even when I'm not hungry.
* I could make all the excuses in the world, but my life would not change until I acknowledged my relationships with both food and people and made a firm commitment to healthy change.
* I have the free will to choose. The decision is all mine and it's all about choices!

So, how much of my unhealthy habits have I spent the last 8 years teaching my son? I know the ones I've modeled and at times they've been pretty unhealthy. It is my sincere hope that the last 6 months have begun to instill in him the foundation for a healthy future. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel that I've ruined him. I'm not ready to brand myself as a terrible mom. It's just that I'm more prepared now to lead him in a direction he should go . . . following the road paved with healthy choices and healthful living! And just think, he's only one of the people in my flock! Boy, do I have my work cut out! :)

The Necessity of Being and Having a Friend

Having a good friend can make all the difference during the ups and downs of life. The good friend may be a spouse, neighbor, co-worker or any number of other people. It never ceases to amaze me how friendships form from the most unlikely circumstances.

Friends serve all sorts of purposes in our lives. They are there for us when we're sick, sad, celebrating, bored, or just need a babysitter for the night. The list of times that we call on friends is endless. If we are a good friend in return, the same should be said of us.

Many people have heard it said that friends are friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Friendships truly are blessings - all of them, even the ones that end. Without even the failed friendships, we would have missed opportunities to grow. Sometimes we love, sometimes we're loved, but we always grow through even the most challenging of friendships. So, what are reason, season, and lifetime friends all about?

A lifetime friend is the one most people long to have - at least I do. This person is the one you can call any time of the day or night and they don't hang up on you. :) You will literally spend your entire life knowing, loving, and staying connected with this person. You may know their family. They may spend holidays with your family. The ways you are connected seem endless.

Reason friends are those who come into your life for a specific reason. Normally, they will meet a certain need you have in your life. This may be someone you think of more as an acquaintance. You might be on a board or committee with this person or engaged in a common goal for a short period of time. They may be someone who is supporting you through a momentarily difficult time.

You may meet someone on the (Spark People) boards who is a reason friend. They are there for you to answer a difficult question you need help with. They give their time and their brain to your situation, offering compassion and guidance. You and they are not intended to be lifelong friends, but to serve a purpose for each other.

A season friend is someone who comes into your life for a longer period of time and in some way helps you to grow through a season of your life. This may be a spiritual mentor. It will be someone with whom you share, learn from, and grow. Some of life's sweetest or most philosophical moments can come from this type of friendship.

You may also meet a season friend through one of the spark teams. You will be joined together with this person, working toward a common goal. Each of you has a need for the other. One may provide and the other receives, or it may be an equal partnership of support. Either way, you are there for each other during a very difficult time of your life - changing your eating habits and growing healthy. This person may bear witness to some very painful moments as you come to understand the root of your weight struggles. You may be the shoulder your season friend needs to get them through a difficult spot. Together you may spend time laughing, crying, learning, growing, or even commiserating. You are truly present for that person and them for you.

In the end, both a reason and a season friendship will come to an end. Embrace them while they're there and when it's time, let them go without regret. They have served their purpose - and you yours.

Through Spark People, we encounter these types of friends every day. What an amazing opportunity to change lives, ours and others as well. We don't have to put pressure on ourselves or others to be more than we are supposed to be. Reach out, giving of yourself as you have to give. When you need to, seek others to receive from them the blessings they have to offer you. In the end, we're all better off for having known one another, even if it's only for one post's worth of time!

Where Does Happiness Come From?

I used to search for happiness. Everywhere I looked left me empty. At this point in my life, I can say I am truly happy. What changed? I invited God into my life. What a fundamental change!

Even after finding peace with God, I used to think at times that I would be happy in spite of the difficulties in my life. Now I've come to think of those difficulties in an entirely new light. I can embrace them, being happy through them, not in spite of them. I don't have to rush through them to get to the happiness on the other side. Today I soak up the opportunities to learn and grow along the way.

Happiness is a state of mind. The difference for me is that now my mind is set on God's perception of my life - not my own.

Drag Slows a Body Down

In my previous post about learning to swim, I noted that I learned how to flow through the water straighter by looking at the stripe on the bottom of the pool instead of trying to look forward. It occurs to me that this is a great metaphor for reaching one's life goals.

When swimming, trying to look forward to the end of the pool instead of looking down has two consequences. First, the act of raising your head to look forward causes your legs to drop down in the water, making you slightly more vertical than horizontal. Second, the new leg position creates drag, which slows you down. (This gives whole new meaning to another phrase I heard as a kid . . . "stop dragging your feet.")

Apply this to life. Looking forward, instead of focusing on the tasks at hand changes our focus from the present to the future. The act of changing that focus has a dual effect. First, we stop paying attention to what we're doing. Then, our change of focus makes us slow down in the race to reach our goals.

What if we just put our heads in the game, and stay focused on that "line on the bottom of the pool?" What would happen? I mean, those lines on the bottom of the pool ARE there for a reason, right? Yes! I think what would happen is three-fold.
1. We would stay on the right path - not straying from our goals.
2. In spite of not seeing the end of that line (since we aren't looking up) we would still know when we get to the end of the lane. We know because our line ends, bringing us to the end of our goal.
3. We would ultimately get there quicker.

Identification is the first step toward change. So are we slowing ourselves down? How are we sabotaging our own goals by creating "drag" in our lives?

Boldly Going Where I've Never Gone Before

Yesterday marked a milestone in my life; one I thought I'd never reach. After 36 years, I finally made the decision to learn to swim - really swim. I've watched others do it correctly and was always impressed with how smoothly and confidently they moved through the water. Each time I would think, "Wow, I wish I could do that!"

Since I was a little girl I've had a healthy respect for water. Okay, I'll call a spade a spade, it was really a fear. I was afraid of drowning. Sometimes I was just afraid of getting water up my nose and experiencing that annoying burning sensation. I let these things intimidate me into not trying. Oh, I would get in the water and even swim a pretty good sidestroke, but I could not put my head under without holding my nose and closing my eyes or using goggles.

Something came over me yesterday, so I approached a lifeguard at our pool, asked a few questions, and got a few answers. The journey had begun. If there is one thing I've learned through Spark People it's that armed with information, anyone can turn their life around. So, with this new information and the guidance of a lifeguard on her break, I threw myself into the pool and into learning this life skill.

With a little practice and boldness, I was able to overcome my previous anxieties and learn a variety of new skills.
1. How to hold a breath and submerge without water going up my nose - and without blowing bubbles.
2. How to flow through the water straighter by looking at the stripe on the bottom of the pool instead of trying to look forward.
3. How to breathe to the side while doing a freestyle swim.

Those may not sound like grand milestones to a comfortable swimmer. Rest assured they were huge for me. I practiced for the rest of our time at the pool and came away with a few other pieces of knowledge as well.
1. Even though I've not accomplished it by now doesn't mean I never will. I just have to apply myself.
2. Knowledge can break through many barriers, in swimming and in life.
3. Tackling something I am fearful of (and certain I'll never be able to do) and finding I am wrong creates courage and momentum to strive for other difficult goals.
4. Like my mom always said to me when I was young - "Can't never did!"
5. I have much more fun with my son at the pool as a result of being more comfortable in the water.

Though my journey with Spark People started out as a quest to lose weight, it has turned into so much more. So here I am, 36 years old and overcome with the feeling that a very large part of me just grew up. Did Spark People help me learn to swim? Not directly, but I can safely say that the feeling of accomplishment I've gained through losing 49 pounds (so far) has propelled me toward the search for other areas of my life where I've been selling myself short. I'm now on a quest to boldly go where I've never gone before. What's even better - I'm looking forward to the trip with excitement and wonder, instead of fear and trepidation.

Carpe Diem and the Circle of Good News

Carpe diem? So many things to do in this life, so little time. I don't want to waste a moment. For my body to keep the pace that my mind wants to set, I have to be conditioned, both in body and in mind. That leads me to the age-old question, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

It's like my circle. To stay on track, I have found that I have a circle that cannot be broken. I think of my circle as the "circle of good NEWS." The NEWS being: Nutrition, Exercise, Water, and Sleep. If any one of these things is missing from the circle, my cycle of good health begins to break down. My energy level tanks, I begin having cravings, and out pop all the old excuses for not doing "it," whatever "it" may be at that moment.

So, back to carpe diem. Without my circle of good news, I will struggle to embody carpe diem. With my circle intact, I am ready to seize that day! So, what's next on my list? Bring it on!

Poise in the Face of Frustration: My Challenge as a Parent

"Whether waiting to see a change on the scale, dealing with your coworkers, or diligently putting in work and feeling unappreciated, losing your patience is very easy to do. By exercising patience with all people, you are allowing them to become better and to learn on their own through gentle guidance. One healthy byproduct of self control in the face of frustration is that it usually leads to encouragement and enhancement of your relationships. Happy families and friendships thrive on patience and learning. It may take time to learn, but the results are well worth it!"

This reflection from Spark People today hit a nerve. I exercised with my son today using TaeBo. It was a stressful time. I would have liked for it be enjoyable, but it wasn't. He's 8 years-old and hasn't developed an ability to push through things that are difficult. When things get even slightly challenging for him, he loses his composure and becomes a heap of tears and anger. I have a very difficult time dealing with a person of that mentality - it is so contrary to mine. I was not compassionate toward him at all. His tears come so often that it's like the boy who cries wolf. I never know when it's serious versus when he's just having another meltdown. It's become so common a behavior for him that I have become hardened to it. I've tried to explain this to him, to no avail. But I digress.

He was not giving his best during our exercise. He was moving his arms floppy, barely moving his feet and his body language was one big complaint. It was beyond frustrating. I was angry. I don't expect perfection, not from him, not from anyone, not even myself. What I want is for him to give all of himself to whatever he does. And even with that, it almost seems too much to hope for.

When I was a kid, I recall my mom trying to get me engaged in work. I did everything in my power to get out of it. I made excuses, I sneaked out of the yard work and back into the house. I even recall my emotions. I too was very emotional as a kid. It seemed that tears were my answer for everything. When did that change? Hmm. When will it change for my son? How and when will he learn the coping skills, like I did, that have enabled me to be a very flexible, roll-with-the-punches kind of adult. Am I going to ruin him along the way by being too tough or expecting too much. Sigh . . . I have these and so many more questions. And I thought losing weight and getting healthy have been tough. I'm a mom . . . there's nothing tougher than that.

After today, I need to print this reflection and post it where I can "reflect" on it every time I'm faced with the challenge of helping my son face the challenges in his life.

The Way of Harmony - My First Karate Exam

It was my first karate exam. Where do I begin? The experience was nearly overwhelming. Maybe it was the fact that I was the only foreigner in the building, surrounded by hundreds of Japanese people, none of whom spoke English during the three-hour event. Talk about complete cultural immersion. It was scary, nerve-wracking, confusing, and yet amazing!

My last karate class had been nearly four weeks earlier because I was traveling. I had questions for my sensei, but with the language barrier, we had a difficult time communicating. In the end, he just said "daijobu," which means "it's okay." He was telling me not to worry. That was a tall order at the time when I was anxious to understand the process and do well. All of the commands were given in Japanese, most of which I did not understand. When the judge approached our group and gave information, I didn't get it. When the person calling out our movements spoke, I mostly had to rely on knowing which move came next, memorization, not understanding her command.

After much observation and intent focus, I took my test. I felt like all eyes were on me - the only American in the room. I felt a combination of anxiety and honor. I wanted to perform my kata beautifully and show the judges, my sensei, and everyone present that I value Wado-Ryu karate for what it is - the way of harmony. Of course, I wasn't feeling as harmonious inside as I should have been. I wanted to be confident, yet not arrogant. In the future, I will be more prepared now that I understand the process. It's not so foreign to me anymore.

The whole experience was awe-inspiring. I'm ready for the challenges that lie ahead. In fact, to help me better understand the way of karate, I've begun reading the autobiography of Gichin Funakoshi. Living in Japan has been an opportunity of a lifetime and now I'm learning a new side of Japanese culture. I've recently begun to understand how a person can dedicate an entire lifetime to the perfection of subtle movements. It is changing my focus, inspiring calmness and patience, and turning me into a more rounded person.

I look forward to the remaining time I have with Ohta sensei. In the beginning, it was about attaining a goal of a particular belt color. Now I'm just so happy to be molded by him, that the belt is of no consequence. It is a matter of perfecting my form. What a beautiful analogy for life in general. Now I must think about all the areas of my life where this can be applied, beginning with my walk with God.