Up to this point my mastectomy experience has been physically on par with everything I've read on the subject. From personal stories, to medical literature, and the proverbial mastectomy for dummies kind of books, I have gleaned every drop of what to expect that my brain would possibly hold.
Today I put another check mark on my list of "yep, dealt with that one too." I wasn't engaged in anything particularly strenuous unless you call sitting in the drive-thru at Dairy Queen strenuous. That's when it suddenly hit me, a burning sensation blended with a sharp, stabbing pain in my nipple area, well at least the area my nipple used to call home. My first reaction was to grab my breast. If anyone had seen me in that moment they might have thought I was having a heart attack and called 911 on my behalf. Can't you see it now? Me explaining to some poor, unsuspecting EMT that my boob that is no longer a boob is in pain. They might opt to transport me to the psych ward instead.
It only lasted a couple seconds before I was back to normal. Funny, I don't feel normal right now. My chest is so tight that I feel as if I've been wearing an ill-fitting bra for more than six weeks. Anyone who might feel me would think I've stuffed said bra on each side with a fist-sized smooth rock. My husband says I have pecks and very masculine ones at that. Somehow that doesn't bring me as much comfort as if he were to tell me I look fit. We both laugh at his peck joke. The comic relief is nice.
The ghost pains lasted into the evening, then slipped into the night, along with accompanying thoughts of amputee war vets. (Wow, I guess I am an amputee, though someone missing a limb might take exception to the notion that I would liken my loss unto theirs. Isn't ghost pain, ghost pain? These amputee thoughts are too large for me to deal with right now and will have to wait.)
Thankfully, the pains were replaced with this lovely moment of quiet solitude, offset only by the whirring sound of the washing machine. Throughout this ordeal, I have been blessed with moments such as this. These are the times when God finds me, lifts me up, and begins healing me from the inside out. Suddenly the scars running across my chest feel as if they're fading. That's just how life is. It is in those quiet moments full of reflection, full of God, that we find the strength to withstand the pressure and pain that life is punctuated with. I thank God that He always knows where to find me.
Watermark sings a song titled "Where to Find Me." No other song more perfectly fits where I am at this moment. Here are the lyrics:
When the lie is deeper than I know
You capture me and You carry me home
You see these wounds and rescue me
You always heal things beautifully
And I close my eyes
And You can still my heart
And I call out Your name…
‘Cause You always know
You always know where to find me…
You always know
You always know where to find me…
And where could I wander that You wouldn’t be?
Whom have I but You who really knows me?
Proven to be the God that sees
From strength to strength You’ve lifted me…
And I could cry from the depths of the earth
I could stand on a mountaintop
And I can speak Your name out to the wind
And You go before me…
And You fall around me…
‘Cause You always know
You always know where to find me…
You always know You always know where to find me…
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