I received a call from the hospital to inform me to arrive at 5 am for my surgery. Even though I've been preparing myself for this moment, it still opened up a wave of emotion. I suddenly felt the urge to cry. It's not that I'm trying to be stoic. I've sort of approached this bilateral mastectomy from a "taking care of business" mentality. I still feel that way, although now I'm thinking about what it means to be a woman. I'm going to explore this idea further as I go through this process. I don't feel empty about the thought of losing my breasts, but I suspect I will feel scarred. Isn't that okay though, to see the scars of the events of your life and be reminded of your humanity? There is a song that says, "Heal the wounds, but leave the scar - a reminder of how merciful You are." Some scars we choose, some are inflicted upon us, but either way we are reminded that we survived.
I asked my son Koen if he had any questions or concerns. He wanted to know if my chest will be completely flat when he sees me again. We agreed that he will have to give me a really big hug before my surgery since he will only be able to hug my head for awhile afterward. I won't be able to lift more than a milk jug, much less receive bear hugs. It'll be nice to get hugs and sugars going in.
We watched a movie after dinner, "The Mighty Ducks". Hm. I wonder what parallels can be drawn there? I'll think on that more later as well. Arie and I shut the lights off and walked toward the bedroom with our arms around each other. He asked me if I was feeling scared. Hesitantly, I said no. I'm not scared, just full of contemplations of which ways my life will change after tomorrow. He said, "Have you looked in the mirror and . . ."? I gave him an ending for his thought, ". . . and said goodbye to my girls?" We both had a good laugh and he said that maybe if we spend time laughing about it, it will make the whole thing easier to deal with. I was thankful for those few moments of levity with my husband. He's mostly quietly supportive and strong.
It's important to me to document this experience. Some day it may make a difference to another who would read it. I'll write more as time permits and inspiration befalls me. For now it's off to the shower and to bed for about five hours sleep before the alarm goes off and the adventure begins.
I was just walking to my room to go to bed, turning up a cold bottle of water and contemplating the "don't have anything to drink after midnight" surgery rule. I tend to act out a little defiantly when it comes to that rule. I'll grab that bottle of water and in an act of almost rebelliousness, guzzle the whole thing! Of course, the clock only reads 11:59 pm when I'm done! LOL I just can't seem to be a true rebel. Anyway, I digress.
I was about to lay down when it occurred to me that this is my last night with these boobs. Wow! I thought for a moment that maybe I'm not doing them justice. The least I could do is pull an all-nighter and "roast" myself! LOL We've been through a lot together! I thought maybe I should feel a little more like I do the night before a big trip or the night before I sing. You know, I should be experiencing a heightened sense of "who could sleep at a time like this"? On second thought, I'm really ready to call it a night. I'm so 38 . . . rolling up the carpet at 10:46 pm!
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