"I Never Expected to Inspire Others" as printed on www.SparkPeople.com

"I Never Expected to Inspire Others"
Weight Loss Led to a Meaningful Moment with My Son
-- By Audri, SparkPeople Member

One day my soul woke up and it was fat! It didn't happen overnight; I wasn't always fat. I had spent the last 11 years eating emotionally. It started with my husband's death. We had been newlyweds. Emotional eating stayed with me long after my wounds began to heal and even after I remarried. It had become a habit. And even though I knew I was hurting myself, I felt powerless to overcome it. Food had control over my life for years, but finally, I decided to live differently. From somewhere came a glimmer of hope that my life could be different.

Then SparkPeople showed up with a soft knock and an invitation: "Can Audri come out and play?" This began a journey of self-discovery I never could have imagined. You see, I didn't realize that year after year, my personality and my future were slowly being buried under a growing layer of fat!

SparkPeople helped me realize for the first time that to be successful I had to make some serious changes. It wasn't enough to make a New Year's resolution and hope for the best. I had to commit to being different…but first I had to believe it was possible. So I started with what I knew to be true. I knew I had not always been fat. I knew others had overcome even greater weight obstacles than mine. Mostly, I knew that through my faith, I could do anything. After acknowledging these things, I felt prepared to commit to whatever it took to conquer myself. Within a week, I came up with the four strategies I would use to set myself up for success.

First, I assessed my battle with food in an honest way. My "If they don't see me eat it, it doesn't count" attitude had to go! Using the Nutrition Tracker, I took a close look at my food choices and it opened my eyes! Over time, I chose to eliminate caffeine, table salt, alcohol, sodas and excessively high fat, high-calorie foods from my diet. Some were harder to let go than others were, but one by one they fell by the wayside in exchange for healthier options.

Second, I stopped hiding my struggle. Those who loved me had known all along anyway—my size 18 wasn't a good disguise. I was only fooling myself. I realized I had fallen into a habit of secretly losing a little weight with the hope that others would notice. When they didn't, I became discouraged and eventually quit. I decided to try a different approach and bring God, my family and friends into the program with me. This way, I was encouraged and held accountable. Eventually, I joined a SparkTeam and even started one of my own.

Third, I set my goals. I set concrete short, medium and long-term goals based on my interests. Some I knew were attainable, like doing cardio four days each week. Some were a stretch, like climbing Mt. Fuji someday—something that would take a lot of hard work to reach. I needed to have something on the horizon to aim at, a target. It was important for it to be realistic enough that I could focus on it instead of my overall weight loss goal. If I had begun by focusing on losing the whole 70 pounds, I would have become overwhelmed and possibly given up.

Fourth, I put a concrete plan in motion to help me succeed. I wrote out my plan on my SparkPage to keep myself accountable. This included making my Nutrition and Fitness Trackers public so others could see what I was tracking. I devoted myself to following my plan, even on the days when I wanted to quit. I determined there were only two choices: to quit or continue. And quitting wasn't an option.

Along the way, a funny thing happened. I found me! Each honest step I took loosened the control food had over me. Once I began to see the fruits of my labor, I realized that I could have done it all along. I had been making excuses and giving away my freedom to choose a better life. Through overcoming the old me, I realized that my personality had been stifled. I wasn't energetic enough to be on the outside the person I was on the inside. Now, I have a zeal that was lost for years. I am alive! I've even tackled new physical challenges and along the way come to think of myself as an athlete. In August, I climbed to the top of Mt. Fuji. And in November, my whole family decided to run the Marine Corps-sponsored Toys for Tots 5K on Yokosuka Naval Base. I'll never forget what happened between my son and me that day.

The horn blew and we started at a good clip, with my young son jogging easily and setting a good pace. It wasn't long before he was ready to slow down a little, and not long after that, he was ready to quit altogether. He had brought a lime green bandanna to wear around his neck but had taken it off. As he was about to give up, I took the bandanna from him and grasped one end tightly. Handing him the other end, I said, "Come on, I won't let go. We can do it together every step of the way." I wanted so desperately for him to overcome all that held him back and simply persevere to the end.

I spoke to him of children who would benefit from what we were doing and of those who walk more than five kilometers just to get a drink of dirty water. We spoke of climbing Mt. Fuji and other challenges that life still holds ahead of us. I pulled and pushed him. I cheered for him. I empathized with him. I shared bits and pieces of life wisdom with him. This was not the first time I had told him that I believe in him, that "You can do it!" Even still, today was different. Today was that opportunity for him to rise above something bigger than he was, and not just to call himself a conqueror, but also to feel it in his spirit.

During the last leg, as we could see the finish line, I was giving him a pep talk. I wish I could recall the exact words I said to him at that moment, but I'll never forget his response: "Yeah, just like YOU believe in me." At that moment, my heart swelled with love and hope. Hope that he will embrace those words and grow to be a confident man who does not fear life's challenges. He confirmed that he does truly listen to me and believes me when I tell him, "I believe in you."

As we neared the finish line, he told me he was ready to sprint. He let go of the green bandanna we had carried together for the last 3 miles and we sprinted together to the finish line. During the whole race, he never stopped moving forward—not once. He had ups and downs, but he never quit. And as we crossed that finish line side-by-side, he became a little more of the adult I will someday know him to be.

After grabbing some water and finding my husband, we stood together to listen to the race results. My softhearted 8-year-old son said to me, "That was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm glad I did it." In that moment, I learned the most beautiful truth: Today he came to believe in himself, like SparkPeople helped me believe in myself. This would have never happened had I not wrestled with my food and exercise demon and come out victorious, believing in myself. This moment was made possible by SparkPeople and one life changed—no, make that two.

I realized that perhaps the greatest consequence of my weight loss (60 pounds to date) is that I have the ability to help others in a meaningful way. I never thought I would see the day when others would call me an inspiration. Living as a fat person enabled me to relate better to the struggles of others. I guess those 11 "fat" years weren't completely wasted after all.

Forward . . . March!

Last night I headed to the gym anxious to get back to running. It was going to be the first time doing a run since I delivered the twins in July. I needed to see where I was starting from so I would know how far I have to go in order to be ready for a 12 mile run on January 1st. That's my next lofty goal - to run from Yokohama to Yokosuka.

I've nursed a groin injury since the last trimester of my pregnancy, so I knew I would be starting slow. Additionally, I'm carrying much more weight than I was when I was running an 8 minute mile before my pregnancy. In fact, I'm carrying almost 40 pounds more.

I'm telling all of this to make a record of where I was when this process began. I am going to do something considered taboo in our society. Yes, I'm going to publicly state my weight. I know. I'm a woman and women aren't supposed to do that - ever - right? Well, I'm a firm believer that a person cannot heal from anything they can't say out loud. Saying it out loud breaks it's power over you, no matter what it is. I weigh 186 pounds. That number suddenly looks really large to me.

Furthermore, this is what I learned at the gym. My groin is still sore, but it's not terrible. My first go round on the treadmill yielded disappointment for me. I wound up running a mile in 15:22. Wow, that certainly is not where I was at pre-pregnancy, but we all have to start somewhere!

Now that I know where I'm at, I have some goals to shoot for. I'm going to focus on lowering my run time for the mile incrementally. I'm going to start working for speed and continue until mid-November. At that time, I'll begin working on distance. Assuming my groin injury continues to heal, I don't think January 1st is unrealistic for my 12 mile run. Once that is under my belt, I'll be focusing on training for the Marine Corps Marathon in November.

My muscles are super sore from weight training two days ago. YES! It lets me know I'm alive and making forward progress! I'm definitely not Superwoman and I've never been a runner, but no one is going to lose this weight for me. So tomorrow, whether I feel like it or not, I'll be planting myself in my livingroom, weights and stability ball on hand. I'll take another step forward and give it all I've got!

Did Those Words Really Come Out of My Mouth?

Yesterday, I mapped my nutrition for the whole day before ever taking a bite. I found myself short on protein in my meal planning for the day, so I made some adjustments that included eating a boiled egg as a part of my evening snack. When the evening came, I announced to my husband that I was headed to the kitchen to eat a boiled egg for a snack. My husband, who is notorious for his evening snacks of Ben & Jerry's, chips, nachos, pie, and the like, could only say, "That's really weird." I said I guess that WOULD seem weird if you think of eating in any terms other than fueling your body.

I had a growth moment, an epiphany! Did those words really come out of MY mouth? I realized I've completely changed the way I think about food. For more than 30 years, eating was all about what I was "in the mood" for. How often have I said those words, "What are you in the mood to have for dinner?" I didn't realize I was going about it all the wrong way. The question all along should have been, "What does my body need that I haven't given it enough of today?"

Fast forward . . . my husband called me today after his workout and said in spite of his consistent weekly fitness routine, he is not seeing any progress in his run and is feeling sluggish during his workouts. Voila, the opportunity for an inroad! I asked if it could be a combination of low water consumption and a lack of appropriate levels of carbs and protein. He acknowledged as much and I began to see a glimmer of hope. Maybe his thinking is going to shift now as he takes steps to boost his performance.

We all have goals, some spoken, some not. What I have ultimately come to realize is that I'm not going to get where I'm wanting to go if I'm not paying attention to how I'm fueling my body. Food . . . it's like the fuel in my car . . . I have to pay attention to keep the tank from running dry so that it gets me where I need to go!

You Just Get Better All the Time

One day while I was listening to music in my livingroom, my son walked in. The song, "You just get better all the time," came on. My loving son smiled at me and stepped into my arms. As we swayed to the the music, he only smiled up at me with the sweetest smile. If I could have frozen that moment in time.

My son considers that "our song" now. Everytime it plays, he gives me a knowing look and a smile - and occasionally we dance. On a recent evening, I went up to take a long, soaking, hot bath. He had prepared my iPod so that when I hit play that song would be the first I heard. He said to me that I deserved to relax after taking care of him and the twins all day.

One day I asked him why he likes that song so much and he said "it reminds me of you." Isn't that the way it is? Others see us in ways we can't even begin to see ourselves. Sometimes what our children see is the purest assessment of who we truly are. Sometimes what they see is convicting. Whether we're at our highest or lowest, they still have the amazing ability to accept us wherever we are. At times I've thought that everything I've never needed to know, I could learn from my nine year-old son. Maybe all of us could take a lesson from our kids. Are there parts of ourselves we refuse to accept? Ways we beat ourselves up instead of forgiving our faults or shortcomings and finding a better way to be, to live?

Here are the lyrics:

You just get better all the time
Darlin' don't you change a thing
Lately you're the only song I wanna sing
And you're my reason to try
You just get sweeter every day
The little things you do and say
If only you could see you through my eyes
You just get better all the time

Oh, and I get the feelin' we can make it baby
As long as you are by my side
You're the music in my ears
The laughter when the tears
Are fallin' down in my life

And on down through the years
You never tried to change my ways
You never made me feel
I had to say "I'm sorry"

You just get better all the time
Why just today I heard you read my mind
That kinda magic is so hard to find
You just get better all the time

The funny thing is this reminds me of my son. Each time I listen to this song, I'm inspired to be a better Mama. Each time, I'm reminded that he sees so much more positive in me than I see in myself. And I realize a little more the meaning of love and grace.

There are No Shortcuts to Any Place Worth Going

How true it is - there are no shortcuts to any place worth going. This is the kind of thing my mom would have said to me when I was growing up. It's the kind of thing I now say to my nine year-old son. It also reminds me of something the late Yogi Berra said, "If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up some place else."

But how many of us really know where we're going? We so often let life happen to us without so much as lifting a finger. Let's be honest with ourselves and each other. Our decisions wind up being made for us, leaving us free to complain that some other force took away our choice. We leave our goals open to interpretation by others because we choose not to make them concrete and tangible. For example, we say we're trying to get healthy, eat better, and get more exercise, all in the name of losing weight. Then, instead of creating a plan to lose that weight, we throw caution to the wind. We wind up out with friends, at work with coworkers, or having a potluck at church, etc. without a firm plan. When that happens, we allow the presence of others, their unhealthy choices, peer pressure, and our own solidified, bad habits to dictate that we are going to throw away the little mental plan we have and we're going to call it "no will power" or "no motivation" or something along those lines. The truth is, we just set ourselves up for failure.

Every job has it's tools. A mechanic wouldn't be without his wrenches. A policeman wouldn't be without his gun. A teacher wouldn't be without a lesson plan. The list goes on. . . The point is, we can't do this job of turning our lives, our weight, around if we don't use the tools we need. What are some of the tools vital for weight loss? This list is not all-inclusive, but a great start.
1. a well thought-out, written out, plan (i.e. your SPARK PAGE)
2. a person or people to support said plan (i.e. SPARK PEOPLE!)
3. a kitchen stocked with healthy food options
4. an arsenal of strength and cardio fitness ideas
5. water
6. sleep

Isn't it time to take the steps necessary to insure we succeed? If there is a tool at our disposal that we haven't tried and yet we say we "can't do it", are "tired of not making progress", or "nothing I do makes a difference", then we are cheating ourselves. It's just a matter of finding the right combination of motivating factors. Things like:
Healthy foods we can enjoy.
Fitness activities we can get excited to do.
Inspiration that strikes a cord for us.

The work will be hard, but will be incredibly rewarding as you see yourself make progress through a serious effort. Don't expect to give only a fraction of effort and reap serious rewards. Know where you're going. Know how to get there. And avoid the shortcuts and quick fixes. In the end, you will find yourself right where you meant to be. Remember, it's a place worth going. Make a plan and get there!

Delayed Obedience is Disobedience

Tonight I said to my son, "Delayed obedience is disobedience." Moments after I said those words it occurred to me that I am guilty of the same. What have I delayed that is causing me to be disobedient? How long have I delayed? In some cases only moments have passed. In other cases, years have passed. In still others, my whole life has slipped by without so much as a glimmer of obedience. For example, God has been tugging on my heart and calling me to sing for Him for years. Have I pursued singing with anything other than casual desire? Sadly, no. Why is that? In fact, why do we delay any of the things we do? For me, I think it's fear. Fear of doing that thing I love the most, that I've poured most of myself into, and being told it's still not good enough.

And how often have I given myself a pass on going to the gym instead of obediently going? Too often! Am I throwing out my health and fitness and treating my body like a trashcan more often than not? Are we afraid of never being able to accomplish the goal we've set for ourselves - often some arbitrary number on a scale? How do you overcome the fear of failure and with courage step forward and receive whatever awaits? If I ultimately fail to achieve some arbitrary marker for success, that doesn't mean I have failed. Along the way I will become more of who I am supposed to be. I will gain so much more from simply taking the step and believing that what I'm doing is the right thing, the healthy thing.

So what about that arbitrary marker for success - a number on the scale. We strive like mad to reach that number. Sometimes we do it hoping to succeed, but expecting to fail. We set ourselves up for a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are what we think we are, either failure, or success. If we reach one number shy of the one we're shooting for on that scale, but have still lost 40 pounds, are we really a failure? Of course not!

Maybe it's time to shed the fear of failure, fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of discomfort, fear of disappointment (either our own or someone else's), and simply take that step forward. We have to believe that we are moving in the right direction - striving for something great than ourselves...and for something greater than that number on our scale. Remember that the journey is more important than the destination.

Incentives (A.K.A. Motivation)

The long wait is finally over as I delivered my twins in July. The doctor cleared me to get back to my fitness routine and I have to admit, walking back into the fitness center wasn't as exciting as I'd hoped it would be. Being sleep-deprived with newborns and feeling sluggish from the extra weight I'm now carrying left me feeling "unmotivated." Then I decided to take away my choice for anything other than change.

Now-a-days we all have too many choices. Come on. How many salad dressings do we really need to choose from? So I decided that there was only one choice to make - to move in the only direction I could that would make me healthy. That included getting my workout clothes on and going to the gym. Once I thought of it in terms of "the decision is already made", all I had to do was comply. How easy is that - to comply? It should be easy. I'm only acting in accordance with my own wish, which is to lose this weight. That's all complying is.

I started thinking about motivation and questioned whether I had it or not. I may have even written on this subject before. Don't many of us say those words, "I'm just not motivated."? What does that mean? To have no motivation. We need to understand what motivation truly is before we can say unequivocally that we don't have it.

The root word for motivation is "motive". In the dictionary, motive is referred to as something that "causes a person to act in a certain way or do a certain thing", an "incentive." It also says a motive is "the goal or object of a person's actions."

SHAZAM! I do have it! In fact, according to this definition, we ALL have motivation. For some of us, our incentive is to reach a certain dress or pant size. For others, our incentive is to reach for another cookie. We cannot use the age old excuse that we "have no motivation." That's a crock. The choice is ours.

What will be the goal or object of our actions. Is our goal to stay comfortably on the couch watching our favorite show? Is our goal to eat that comfort food because it takes away our pain or our boredom? Is our goal to save ourselves from disappointment because the task of losing weight seems insurmountable? We're all motivated by something. What is your incentive - A.K.A. - motivation?

I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that my incentives include: being healthy, feeling great, living longer, setting a good example for my kids and others, and building my confidence. These ARE my motivation and they only scratch the surface. Of course, looking good and getting an occasional cat call from my husband isn't a bad incentive either. Now it's just a matter of developing a plan to achieve these things.

To that end, I'm back to my tried and true formula. The one that helped me shed 61 pounds before I became pregnant with the twins. The great thing is that it's no secret, only healthy food and regular exercise. Who knew it could be that simple. Now all I have to do it simply comply! :) Are you ready and willing to do the same?