Overcoming Me

One day my soul woke up - and it was fat! It didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t always fat. I had spent the last eleven years eating emotionally. It started with my husband’s death. We had been newlyweds. Emotional eating stayed with me long after my wounds began to heal and even after I remarried. It had become a habit. I had a clue that I was hurting myself, but I felt powerless to overcome it. Food held control over my life, but I was ready to live differently. There was a glimmer of hope that my life could be different. Then Spark People showed up with a soft knock and an invitation, “Can Audri come out and play?” This began a journey of self-discovery I never could have imagined. See, I didn’t realize my personality and my future were being slowly buried!

Spark People helped me realize for the first time that to be successful I had to make some serious changes. It wasn’t enough to make a New Year’s resolution and hope for the best. I had to truly commit myself to being different, but first I had to believe it was possible. There were some things I knew to be true, so that is where I began. I knew I had not always been fat. I knew others had overcome even greater weight obstacles than mine. Mostly, I knew that through my faith, I could lean on a very special promise – “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me,” Philippians 4:13, if this is something God is bringing me to. After acknowledging these things, I felt prepared to commit myself to whatever it took to conquer myself. Within a week, I came to understand there were four strategies I would need to use to set myself up for success.

First, I had to honestly assess my battle with food. My “if they don’t see me eat it, it doesn’t count” attitude had to go! Using the nutrition tracker, I took a close look at my food choices, and my eyes were opened! Over time, I chose to eliminate caffeine, table salt, alcohol, sodas, and excessively high-fat, high-calorie foods from my nutrition plan. Some were harder to let go than others, but one by one they fell by the wayside in exchange for healthier options.

Second, I had to stop hiding my struggle. Those who loved me had known all along anyway – my size 18 wasn’t a good disguise. I was only fooling myself. I realized I had fallen into a habit of secretly losing a little weight with the hope that others would notice. When the loss wasn’t noticed, I would become discouraged and eventually quit. I decided to try a different approach and bring my family and friends into the program with me. This way, I was encouraged and held accountable. Eventually, I joined a team and even started one of my own.

Third, I had to have goals to work toward. I set concrete short, medium, and long-range goals based on my interests. Some I knew were attainable, like doing cardio four days each week. Some were a stretch for me, but also attainable with hard work, like climbing Mt. Fuji. I needed to have something on the horizon to aim at, a target. It was important to have it close enough that I could focus on it, unlike looking at my overall weight loss goal. If I had begun by focusing on losing the whole 70 pounds, I would have become overwhelmed and possibly quit.

Fourth, I set a concrete plan in motion to help me succeed. I wrote out my plan on my Spark Page to keep myself accountable. This included making my nutrition and fitness trackers public, so others could see what I was tracking. I devoted myself to following my plan, even on the days when I wanted to quit. I determined there were only two choices: to quit or keep going – and quitting wasn’t an option.

Along the way, a funny thing happened. I found myself! Each honest step I took loosened the control food had on me. Once I began to see the fruits of my labor I realized that I could have done it all along. I had been making excuses and giving away my freedom to choose a better life. Through overcoming the old me, I realized that my personality had been stifled. I wasn’t energetic enough to be on the outside the person I was on the inside. Now, I have a zeal that was lost for years. I am alive! I’ve even tackled new physical challenges and along the way come to think of myself as an athlete. That’s amazing to me!

Perhaps the greatest consequence of my weight loss (59 lbs. to date) is that I have the ability to speak into the lives of others in a meaningful way. I never thought I would see the day when others would call me an inspiration. Living as a fat person enabled me to relate to the “fat struggle.” I guess those eleven fat years weren’t completely wasted after all.

Don't Wish Me Luck!

A couple people have recently said these words to me, “Wish me luck.” It got me thinking about luck and what it means. The dictionary says luck is “advantage or success considered the result of chance.” Do we really want our weight loss to rely on chance?

For years my weight loss and health were left to chance. Chance is defined in part as the absence of any cause of events that can be predicted, understood, or controlled. In short, I was not controlling my weight loss efforts through a means that was clear and understandable and could predict my success. This set me up for failure. Without proper planning and execution, losing weight will be an elusive goal.

I’ve taken two trips across the country and each time took planning. I spent a significant amount of time preparing – finding the right map, searching for hotels, investigating points of interest, etc. I made phone calls for some reservations. I cleaned out my car and made sure I had jumper cables. I checked to make sure I had my insurance card in the glove box. I called family and friends to coordinate visit dates and times. The time spent preparing was invaluable, though not fully realized until I was in the midst of my travels.

In spite of planning, I inevitably hit some snags, especially during my first trip. Here are a few of my “snags”: getting lost, flat tire, sold-out hotels, car damaged by flying debris, lost a/c, caught in torrential rains, caught in a sandstorm, 3rd-degree burn on foot. In spite of my meticulous planning, I realized two things. First, I hadn’t thought of everything, like having a spare tire. Second, even my good planning couldn’t overcome some of the situations I encountered, like losing my a/c in the middle of summer in Texas. For those, I just had to rely on my patience and quick thinking to get me through. Yes, this was a memorable trip, to say the least, but what does it have to do with losing weight? Everything!

Assume the story above was about my weight loss journey. This is what it would look like. I spent a significant amount of time preparing for my weight loss – finding the right program (Spark People), searching for healthier food and recipes, and investigating fitness options to find the one I liked the most and would stick with. I bought a digital food scale and rid my house of high-calorie and fat-laden foods. I created a vision collage to increase my focus. I bought some exercise DVDs, one set of 2-pound weights and a stability ball. I enlisted the support of my mom and a close friend, Ashley. I developed short-range, medium-range, and long-term goals – something to really strive for.

My time spent preparing was invaluable, though I didn’t realize initially how much it would help me. In spite of my planning, I inevitably hit some snags. Here are a few of my “snags”: potlucks, dining out, people pushing fattening food on me, visiting houseguests, bad weather, meetings, injury, illness, fatigue. The list could go on. In spite of my planning, I realized two things. First, I hadn’t thought of everything, like how to cope with people who would try to sabotage my plan. Second, even my good planning couldn’t keep me from becoming fatigued, injured, or sick – although good health and planning can often keep those things at bay, not always. For those unplanned times, I had to rely on my good habits, tact, patience, and quick thinking. Yes, this has been a memorable and successful trip so far!

I understand what people mean with they say, “Wish me luck.” They are looking for support and encouragement. They are afraid of not succeeding and want to hear, “You can do it!” They want us to hope along with them for something better - a change – freedom from the weight that has held them back for years. I hope and long for each and every person to experience this freedom. Once I finally tasted it myself, I realized how much the weight was holding me back from experiencing life.

With all these things said, I have come to a conclusion. I will not wish you luck, leaving your future to chance. I wish you SUCCESS – the kind of predictable success that comes from setting goals, proper planning, and execution. You are worth it. You are able. You can do it!

On Top of the World - My Experience Climbing Mt. Fuji

My goal of climbing Mt. Fuji came about quite by accident. Actually, it's my son's fault. While creating my vision collage, he stumbled upon a photo of Mt. Fuji. I thought it would make a great center photo since it was large. As my collage took shape around the photo, it occurred to me that I could make climbing that mountain my goal. Voila! I had my first lofty, long-term goal. At least it seemed pretty long-term at the time.

Just after making my collage, I met a woman on eBay. She was selling some workout DVDs, which I purchased from her. In the process of communicating with her over the purchase, we found some common ground and began e-mailing one another on a regular basis. It is this woman, my newfound friend, who took a leap of faith six months later and flew halfway around the world to climb a mountain with me.

Three days after meeting in person for the first time, we headed out at 12:30 a.m. to catch our bus for Hakone National Park, where Fuji is located. We drove an hour, caught our bus, and rode another three hours to get to our starting point. With walking sticks in hand, we headed out on an adventure that would strengthen the bonds of friendship. Within minutes the rain came.

The path began easily enough. Our bus had dropped us off at station 5 and before long, we were greeted with a nice view, looking down on the clouds. We walked along on flat ground, talking about our strategy for pacing ourselves. Soon enough, the terrain began to change. During our 6-hour and 15-minute ascent, we zigged and zagged upward. We climbed stairs. We climbed steep boulders. We climbed in loose gravel. Occasionally, we stopped for electrolyte water or organic energy bars or to simply take a short rest. The rests got longer and more frequent the closer we got to the top, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

As we ascended, we passed a variety of people going both ways. One Japanese man even had a toddler on his back. I couldn't help but wonder if he had made it to the top. In retrospect, I don't think he did, but at the time I marveled at his accomplishment.

About 20 minutes into our climb, I asked my friend to pray with me. I gave the climb to God. I asked him to give us the strength to climb this literal mountain, as well as for protection. My friend and I spoke briefly about believing in angels. She felt she had received confirmation of a guardian angel just before we got on the bus. After our prayer, my step quickened. I felt a burst of energy propelling me forward. At that moment, I was more sure than ever that the mountain was already conquered, though my body slowed, my head certainly kept up the mental momentum!

We stopped at every mountain hut to have our walking sticks branded with a unique design. With each stamp, I grew more determined. Inevitably, we would stumble across people from our bus and we'd have a brief exchange. Several times we exchanged "ganbatte" with Japanese people. This word means "do your best" or "go for it."

There are ten stations on Fuji, with the tenth at the top. Around the 8th station, my hands began to get really cold and one of my fingers had turned yellow - a symptom of my Reynaud's Syndrome. I worked to get my circulation back, then put on my gloves and kept trucking. Around this time, we rounded the corner of one of the mountain huts and came face-to-face with a steep wall of rocks. My first reaction was, "YES! Let's do this thing!" In fact, this was a scenario that replayed itself numerous times. Each time, I had a similar "oh yeah!" reaction. It was my own way of cheering myself along. It worked for me.

Somewhere about halfway to station 9 I began to experience some altitude sickness. At first, I only felt slightly dizzy. Obviously, the dizziness only got worse the higher I moved. Within about 30 minutes, I also felt nauseous. We stopped, drank, and ate, then began again. We moved more slowly. Though my friend was not experiencing the same effects, she was an amazing support throughout this process. Together, we worked through it taking five steps while breathing deeply, then stopping for two deep breaths. Eventually, I did begin to feel better and our pace quickened somewhat.

For the last 1.5 hours or so, the wind and rain picked up. A storm was rolling in. At times, the wind was so harsh that we had to brace ourselves against our walking sticks and lean heavily into the wind to keep from being blown over. Just when I thought the climb was never-ending, we ascended the last flight of stairs, passing under a red, Shinto tori gate. We had arrived!

We stood in line to have our walking stick stamped with two special red stamps, then stepped out to find the crater. The wind was blowing so hard and fog was covering the crater. It had become dangerous and we were told not to go to the crater. We could not have seen it anyway. We planned to travel around the edge for however much time we had left, but ultimately could not for safety reasons. It was hard to come all that way and not see the crater and the view around Fuji.

After making a quick bathroom break, which was really a squatter, we bought some fresh, dry gloves, took some pictures at the pillar monument, and decided to head down.

Compared to the ascent, the descent was only 2 hours 45 minutes. It was also zig-zagged, though the terrain never changed. It was loose lava, pea-sized gravel. My toes pushed into the toe of my boots. Over time, my big toes became quite sore. In the end, I finished the descent with one cracked toenail and a blister between two toes. Not bad, I think.

During the hike down, I realized we were surrounded by some beautiful plants. They were so lime green that they almost appeared to glow. The rocks were lovely as well - a rainbow of colors, but mostly red and turquoise.

There was one truly inspiring story I saw unfolding on that mountain. On the descent, we passed a young Japanese girl moving very slowly while her family encouraged her. This girl had one foot that was inverted, like a club foot - yet she made it up that mountain! My friend and I wanted to cry. It made all our obstacles pale in comparison.

Once down the mountain, we stopped for something to eat and did a little souvenir shopping. I had an "American dog," a.k.a. corn dog. It was much different from a true American corn dog, but I was thankful for it. Finally, I stopped at the post office to mail a few postcards before heading back to the bus.

I slept awhile on the ride back to base and woke up just as they were playing a video - "Touching the Void." It's a documentary about the perilous and near-fatal climb of two friends. It was an appropriate topic and made me wonder if I could ever do the kind of climbing required to scale a 20,000-foot mountain. I'm not convinced that's an undertaking for me, but I won't rule it out. Like Confucius said, "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." This was my single step. I'm just not sure yet where the journey will lead. I'm excited to find out!

Climbing Molehills and Mountains

When I was little, I recall my mom saying on more than one occasion," don't make a mountain out of a molehill." She was teaching me to assess a situation honestly, not exaggerating the intensity of the problem.

I believe this attitude has helped me conquer many obstacles in life. Some of them have truly been "molehills," while others have been mountains. My molehills and mountains have consisted of things like moving around the world every three years, deployments, family illnesses, college, miscarriage, molestation at 12, and widowhood at 23.

On August 23, I climbed Mt. Fuji. It was the most physically difficult thing I've ever done in my life. At times I felt my body wouldn't make it. I was pushed to what I thought was the limit of my capabilities, and yet I conquered that 12,388-foot mountain! Though the altitude, wind, rain, and cold took a toll on me physically, mentally those obstacles had become molehills to me. I had given myself no other option than to see the top of that mountain!

If I had stopped years ago and applied this logic and tenacity to my obesity, I imagine I would have conquered that sooner as well. I was perfectly capable of literally climbing a mountain. The problem was that I had turned my weight into a figurative mountain so much larger-than-life, that my mind could not overcome it. Now, I realize that it was my mind preventing me from succeeding at my weight loss, not physical limitations. Turning molehills into mountains helped me defeat myself before I even got started!

So, today is a celebration - a celebration of overcoming great obstacles! I glow with joy for reaching the top of my literal mountain. Mostly though, I glow from the realization that somewhere deep inside me is the strength and fortitude to overcome obstacles both large and small. See, the important lesson my mom taught me is not to determine which is a mountain and which is a molehill, but that I can conquer them all.

The Architect or the Wrecking Ball?

I was thinking today about the who's, what's, when's, where's, why's and how's of life. Others think on these as well and they can either make or break your success, not only in your journey to greater health, but in life in general. It all comes back to the question of our internal dialogue, that is, what we say to ourselves. Are we our greatest fan - a veritable built-in pep squad, or are we our greatest disappointment - undermining our intentions with hateful talk we would never perpetrate on others?

Maybe you already know which you are - the architect or the wrecking ball. Then again, maybe you don't. If not, see which of these questions most resembles your attitude.

Look out! Here comes the wrecking ball!

Who even cares if I lose weight or not?
What difference is it going to make?
Where is my motivation going to come from? I don't have any!
When am I going to find the time to eat healthy and exercise?
Why do I bother? I'm never going to lose weight. I'm a yo-yo!
How am I going to get the weight off? I'm too far gone!

Now, here's the architect!

Who is going to be positively affected by my healthy lifestyle?
What changes do I need to make to be successful?
Where can I turn to for support when I need it?
When I stumble, are my coping strategies strong enough to help?
Why is it important for me to change my life?
How am I going to feel when I reach my goals?

So, which one are you - the architect or the wrecking ball? Today is the day to figure it out and take some positive steps to turn your attitude around!

Reasons or Excuses?

Excuses, excuses. Some people thrive on making them. In fact, often we spend more time honing our excuses than the time it would take to actually do something productive. Why do we waste this perfectly good time? How much of life have we missed out on as a result?

Many of our failures in life are related to fear. Fear fosters a failure to act, which means automatic failure. So, in order to get where we want to go and overcome this failure to act, we have to understand what is motivating our fear. Is it fear of failure? Fear of embarrassment? Fear of sub-par performance? Fear of injury? Fear of judgment? The list goes on. To move forward to greater health, adventure, and success, we must identify the fear that is fueling our inactivity. We all have likely personified one or more of the fears listed above at various points in our lives. But how do we know when we are being ruled by fear? It's my conclusion that fear often manifests itself as excuses.

Excuses are a powerful symptom of fear and differ from reasons. Reason is defined (in part) as sound judgment or good sense; to think through logically. By contrast, excuse is defined (in part) as a pretext or subterfuge. Subterfuge is evading a rule, escaping a consequence, or "dodging." So, here is the real question. Are we using excuses or "dodging" those things that would get us active and healthy or are our excuses truly legitimate reasons.

Today is the day to determine once and for if our fears are what stand in our way of reaching our goals. There's no better day than today to stop undermining our own success. It's time to sweep away the lingering excuses and push forward toward the prize! Like Mom said when I was a kid, "Can't never did!"

Visualizing and Verbalizing Goals

The difference between and dream and a goal is a plan. Dr. Phil McGraw recently spoke these words and they are so true. It got me thinking about how much my life has changed since I did my collage.

Verbalizing and visualizing my goals were the first steps in formulating my plan. Until I was faced with those two tasks, I couldn't have really told you what my goals were, much less what plan I had to get there.

It's like writing a good outline for a paper before you sit down to write the paper itself. In fact, it's like anything in life. You don't start painting without planning for the tools you'll need. You don't go out to play baseball without a ball, bat, and glove. So why do we more often than not treat our most intimate goals with less than that type of forethought? Just like writing, painting, or playing baseball, without that planning and forethought, we are destined to fall short of our goals or even fail to get started in the first place. We become dreamers instead, hoping for a change, but with no real direction.

I'm so thankful to have learned that lesson through Spark People. Because of it, I've been able to strive toward my goals in a way that would not have been possible before. Before, my goal was some arbitrary number on a scale. Imagine running a cross-country race when you don't know the path and can't find the finish line. Talk about confusion and frustration! Where would you even begin? That's where I was.

Thanks to Spark People, I'm visualizing and verbalizing my goals...developing a plan...and supporting me along the way!

My Flock Begins at Home

Today's healthy reflection called us to think about leading a successful flock. Who is my flock? In a nutshell, my flock is anyone who looks to me for love, support, guidance, mentoring, friendship, encouragement, or inspiration. So, who does this consist of?

The first of my flock is my son. My adorable 8.5-year-old little man who is soaking up lessons like a sponge. I can't always tell which ones he's internalizing, but I'm hopeful they're the healthy ones. Certainly, he's learning my bad habits along the way as well. That is why I'm working diligently to rid my life of said nasty habits. Oh, there is the standard talking with your mouth full, saying "excuse me" when you burp, those kinds of things, but the nasty habits I'm referring to are the more insidious ones. I'm talking about making unhealthy choices regarding nutrition and exercise that can and do lay waste to one's energy, self-esteem, and control - in essence to the whole body and mind. It occurs to me that one might not realize the true weight of the insidious nature of these bad choices. The dictionary refers to insidious as "operating or proceeding in an inconspicuous or seemingly harmless way but actually with grave effect" or "beguiling but harmful; alluring." This perfectly describes what I did to my body for years. Everyone has to eat - it's food for the body. Food was my lure. I was an emotional eater and couldn't see how the choices I made were setting me up for future weight problems. I let myself use food as a crutch for all my ailments, mostly emotional. I just couldn't find a way of mimicking the joy I had when eating that Almond Joy or whatever happened to be in my hand at that moment.

Fast forward . . .
Now I am a mom to this wonderfully complex, fun-loving, warm, and EMOTIONAL 8.5-year-old boy. Am I looking at myself in the mirror? It's only been the last six months that I've finally come to understand the following about myself and food:
* My personality contributed to my being an emotional eater.
* I was using food to fill in the holes in my soul, not just the ones in my stomach.
* Our culture revolves socially around food.
* To overcome my attachment to food as anything other than sustenance I have to be introspective - knowing when and why I make the choice to turn to food even when I'm not hungry.
* I could make all the excuses in the world, but my life would not change until I acknowledged my relationships with both food and people and made a firm commitment to healthy change.
* I have the free will to choose. The decision is all mine and it's all about choices!

So, how much of my unhealthy habits have I spent the last 8 years teaching my son? I know the ones I've modeled and at times they've been pretty unhealthy. It is my sincere hope that the last 6 months have begun to instill in him the foundation for a healthy future. Don't get me wrong. I don't feel that I've ruined him. I'm not ready to brand myself as a terrible mom. It's just that I'm more prepared now to lead him in a direction he should go . . . following the road paved with healthy choices and healthful living! And just think, he's only one of the people in my flock! Boy, do I have my work cut out! :)

The Necessity of Being and Having a Friend

Having a good friend can make all the difference during the ups and downs of life. The good friend may be a spouse, neighbor, co-worker or any number of other people. It never ceases to amaze me how friendships form from the most unlikely circumstances.

Friends serve all sorts of purposes in our lives. They are there for us when we're sick, sad, celebrating, bored, or just need a babysitter for the night. The list of times that we call on friends is endless. If we are a good friend in return, the same should be said of us.

Many people have heard it said that friends are friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Friendships truly are blessings - all of them, even the ones that end. Without even the failed friendships, we would have missed opportunities to grow. Sometimes we love, sometimes we're loved, but we always grow through even the most challenging of friendships. So, what are reason, season, and lifetime friends all about?

A lifetime friend is the one most people long to have - at least I do. This person is the one you can call any time of the day or night and they don't hang up on you. :) You will literally spend your entire life knowing, loving, and staying connected with this person. You may know their family. They may spend holidays with your family. The ways you are connected seem endless.

Reason friends are those who come into your life for a specific reason. Normally, they will meet a certain need you have in your life. This may be someone you think of more as an acquaintance. You might be on a board or committee with this person or engaged in a common goal for a short period of time. They may be someone who is supporting you through a momentarily difficult time.

You may meet someone on the (Spark People) boards who is a reason friend. They are there for you to answer a difficult question you need help with. They give their time and their brain to your situation, offering compassion and guidance. You and they are not intended to be lifelong friends, but to serve a purpose for each other.

A season friend is someone who comes into your life for a longer period of time and in some way helps you to grow through a season of your life. This may be a spiritual mentor. It will be someone with whom you share, learn from, and grow. Some of life's sweetest or most philosophical moments can come from this type of friendship.

You may also meet a season friend through one of the spark teams. You will be joined together with this person, working toward a common goal. Each of you has a need for the other. One may provide and the other receives, or it may be an equal partnership of support. Either way, you are there for each other during a very difficult time of your life - changing your eating habits and growing healthy. This person may bear witness to some very painful moments as you come to understand the root of your weight struggles. You may be the shoulder your season friend needs to get them through a difficult spot. Together you may spend time laughing, crying, learning, growing, or even commiserating. You are truly present for that person and them for you.

In the end, both a reason and a season friendship will come to an end. Embrace them while they're there and when it's time, let them go without regret. They have served their purpose - and you yours.

Through Spark People, we encounter these types of friends every day. What an amazing opportunity to change lives, ours and others as well. We don't have to put pressure on ourselves or others to be more than we are supposed to be. Reach out, giving of yourself as you have to give. When you need to, seek others to receive from them the blessings they have to offer you. In the end, we're all better off for having known one another, even if it's only for one post's worth of time!

Where Does Happiness Come From?

I used to search for happiness. Everywhere I looked left me empty. At this point in my life, I can say I am truly happy. What changed? I invited God into my life. What a fundamental change!

Even after finding peace with God, I used to think at times that I would be happy in spite of the difficulties in my life. Now I've come to think of those difficulties in an entirely new light. I can embrace them, being happy through them, not in spite of them. I don't have to rush through them to get to the happiness on the other side. Today I soak up the opportunities to learn and grow along the way.

Happiness is a state of mind. The difference for me is that now my mind is set on God's perception of my life - not my own.