On May 30, 2009, I went to the pool with my 9.5 year-old son. He was beyond excited to take his swimming test so that he could earn an orange bracelet entitling him to swim anywhere in the pool without a parental escort. He is definitely coming into his own.
He took his test, passing all three parts easily. This in and of itself is enough to write a paper on perseverance considering its years in the making. However, this is not our story.
Upon securing his bracelet on his arm, he headed for the pool. The moment he stepped to the water slide, a lifeguard blew the whistle calling for a pool break. He walked back to where I was still sitting and parked himself at the picnic table. I was pleased not to hear any complaining. He only sat contemplatively.
During the pool break, another lifeguard walked over to the pool, picked up a water basketball, and began to shoot hoops. The ball would miss and be blown back to the edge by the considerable wind blowing that day. Each time, the young man would pick it up and try again. This repeated perhaps 7 times, each time ending in a missed basket. Eventually, the young man walked away.
My son Koen turned to look and said, "Did he quit?" I said, "Yes." Koen followed with, "That's too bad." I asked him why he thought it was too bad, to which he replied, "His next shot might have been the big one - perseverance is really important, you know."
I sat with a stunned smile on my face. What a moment! My son had finally shown me his understanding of the word perseverance. I'm hopeful for what his future holds. I know he won't be a quitter, that he will push through the difficulties of life knowing with full confidence that he'll get to the other side and be better for it. Again, for him and for me, what a moment.
I was recently thinking about pride when a new acquaintance said to me, "I have a hard time accepting favors from people. It's not that I'm prideful." Why else would a person be unable to accept a gift, favor, or graciousness from another? Does it really all come down to that? Pride?
Let me recall the summer of 2007 . . .
I was 3.5 months pregnant and happy to be over the "hump." You know, the three-month "everything should be fine now" hump. I was feeling great when I headed in for a check-up appointment. In fact, I was feeling so great that I didn't really feel pregnant, but rather normal. I shared this with my doctor, who unbeknownst to me was immediately alarmed. She searched for a heartbeat to no avail, then led me to the ultrasound machine, which confirmed my worst fear. I had miscarried. My body didn't trigger any obvious symptoms when the baby had died roughly two weeks previously, so I had no idea. I sat there with my 7-year-old son in the room, trying to be as stoic as possible, but I was devastated. We had tried for 5 years to have more children. I would have to have a D&C the following Monday and so would have to spend the weekend knowing the baby inside me had died and was still there. It was a horribly emotional time, exacerbated by the fact that a good friend came home during that time with her newborn baby girl. My heart broke as I held her on Saturday, only days after my appointment and two days before my scheduled surgery.
Sunday morning I awoke numb. I tried half-heartedly to get myself ready for church so that I could lead the music. I knew my friend would be there with her baby and felt certain that I would not be able to sing a clear note through tears. Others would be there to celebrate the gift of life - the life of my friend's precious baby girl. There was no doubt in my mind that I would distract from what should be a joyous occasion. I opted not to go to church.
Minutes after the service should have begun, there was a knock at our door. Much to my surprise, it was Chaplain Shafer! Why was he not at the service, leading his flock? He stepped into our living room and asked how I was feeling. Again, stoicism kicked in and I tried to hide the extent of my pain. I shared with him my concern about distracting from the miracle of the newest edition to our church. I also think I didn't want anyone to see me in my emotional state. I was supposed to be someone strong in their faith, but where was it then? I thought I was lacking and didn't want to show myself so weak in faith. What he said to me next opened my eyes to a truth that hadn't even occurred to me. He said I understand your reason for not coming and respect your decision. He went on to ask me if I didn't think it was possible that the love our church had was enough to both rejoice in the birth of a child and mourn the death of another? I was taken aback at the thought. We prayed together and he walked out to join our congregation, already roughly twenty minutes into the service.
I sat for a moment and cried, convicted that I was not where God wanted me to be. I was the sheep going astray, whom the pastor left the 99 for and went to find. I shot upstairs, threw my shoes on, and ran to the chapel up the street. I walked in wearing shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers, no make-up, and swollen eyes - stripped bare of any facade. I realized that there was no reason to hide myself away or present myself as unfazed.
My friend, holding her new baby, met me ten steps into the sanctuary and wrapped her arms around me. We held each other, both crying, as we sang the last verse of a hymn into one another's ears. Afterward, the whole church sat back down. I made my way to the second pew and took a seat with my head hanging low. I was trying to dry my tears when I noticed that the entire congregation began standing and one by one moved to take seats all around me and my friend. Within a moment, the hands of so many who loved me began to touch my shoulders and arms and that of my friend too. The chaplain stopped in his tracks and came forward. As all my brothers and sisters in Christ surrounded us, the chaplain prayed. I'd never felt so loved.
I cried softly off and on through the rest of the service. During the service, the words of a Casting Crowns song came to my mind, "Praise You in This Storm."
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You and raised me up again my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you" and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth I lift my eyes onto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
The service was coming to an end and I asked the chaplain if I could share my heart with the congregation. I could barely speak, but what I shared was this: My heart is broken and I've cried until I feel my heart will stop beating. Living with a baby inside me who is no longer living is nearly unbearable. I don't understand. I may never understand. BUT, I know I can't thank God for the good times and curse Him in the bad. Like the song says, ". . . my strength is almost gone how can I carry on if I can't find You? And as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain 'I'm with you'. And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away." I will praise God even through this.
The service ended with the whole congregation gathered at the front of the church, wrapped in each other's arms, crying tears of both pain and joy. At that moment, I realized a very important lesson. Had I not gone to church, I would have robbed my brothers and sisters in Christ of an opportunity to be there for me, to love me, share my burden, and live their faith in Christ. How could I have taken that from them when I have been blessed in the past to be there for others? I didn't realize until then that my not being at church, though understandable and forgivable, was actually selfish. My stoicism was prideful and nearly stole from me the blessings God had in store for me as a result of the "storm."
I prayed and asked God to remove my desire for more children until such a time that it was His will, not mine if in fact that day ever came. Not only did He take away my yearning, but He placed a thankfulness in my heart that I had not given birth. My heart did a complete 180 - I was actually relieved! I began to embrace being a mom of one and feeling truly blessed. This was August of 2007.
More than a year later, in October 2008, I began to feel stirrings of motherhood again. I prayed again and asked God to turn my heart if it was His timing. We began trying again in November to get pregnant and learned in December that we were indeed pregnant. In January we found we were pregnant with twins. I felt it was God's way of blessing us because of our miscarriage. He loved, healed, and restored me.
There are many things about life that I will never know or understand, but one thing is sure - I will continue to raise my hands to the one who gives and takes away, for it's His will, His plan, and not mine that is perfect and that I should strive for.
We took a field trip with a group of homeschooled families to Motobu, Okinawa yesterday. Our first stop was a recreational area called the Motobu Wellness area, where the kids made salt from seawater and traditional Japanese cookies. They all seemed to have a good time making the cookies and an even better time eating them. They tasted a little like sugar cookies and had a different texture and a slightly chalky aftertaste.
The wellness area had a nice beach with volleyball nets set up. There were kayaks and jet skis as well. I'm not sure how it fits in, but they also had a pen full of goats, rabbits, roosters, and hens. Animals, they contribute to our sense of wellness! :)
After our short stop at the wellness area, we made our way up a large hill to a restaurant called Pizza in the Sky, more appropriately known as Cafe Kajinho. We had a group that included eight parents and fifteen kids ranging in age from 2 months to about 16. We converged on this place and it was somewhat of a zoo.
The menus were printed on large Japanese fans, with Japanese on one side and English on the other. It was a very simple menu. For the most part, they have one special pizza they make and people order that. You can get 7" or 14" pizzas. Yesterday, the toppings available were thick pepperoni, onions, green peppers, and corn. I ordered a loaded pizza and was pleasantly surprised that the corn fit right in with my other toppings. The pepperoni had a different sort of spice to it that wasn't hot, but had a wonderful flavor. The crust was somewhere between a thin and hand-tossed crust. Overall an excellent pizza!
The area around the restaurant had heavy foliage. The perimeter was skirted by a wooden fence that wouldn't keep out a goat. On the other side of this fence was a steep drop on three sides of the restaurant. Beyond that drop, the town of Motobu opened up on the horizon, flowing to the sea. It was a beautiful day and from our perch, we had nearly a 180-degree view of the ocean and surrounding hills.
Perhaps the most interesting thing I found on this trip was a certain table at the pizza restaurant. Sitting on the porch overlooking the ocean, I noticed one lone table that stood out. Every other table in the whole place was low to the floor for traditional Japanese seating, but this one was different. It was a large, odd-shaped, thick slab of wood perched atop the metal framework of an old, treadle-style Singer sewing machine. My mom would have loved it but wondered what happened the the sewing machine. :)
I must give a mention to the ice cream we encountered as well. We stopped at a market area and killed some time while waiting for others to arrive. While there, we grabbed some ice cream. Koen had his standard vanilla, but I got adventuresome and went out on a limb with some black sesame ice cream. I was slightly skeptical, but it's what the ladies recommended. I wasn't disappointed! It had an unusual flavor, though not overly sesame. I'd do it again, but next time I'll go for the sweet potato. :)
This was our first major outing since arriving in Okinawa. I am so looking forward to spending some more time up north, away from the American concentrated areas around the bases. We had to drive about 60 kilometers away from the base to find a Japanese person who didn't speak English. It was nice to experience a little more of Okinawan culture and yet I know I've not even scratched the surface. I'll keep you posted as the adventure goes on.
Koen and I prayed this morning after his Bible study. We asked God to use us to bless anyone we came into contact with today. Here is how God answered that prayer...
We have new neighbors. They are here from mainland Japan as well. They have a nine year-old boy and are also pregnant with twins, about three weeks behind us. We met them just tonight. I liked the parents. They were easy to talk with. And Koen? I honestly can't remember the last time Koen connected with another boy like he did with Micah. They were instantly pals. Koen says the boy is a "Class II Koen." Translation? "He is almost as creative and imaginative as me." He had SO much fun in the 1.5 hours we spent with that family. They are excited to get together again. We wound up walking them around the base and showed them where to find some groceries and other services.
Then...
A lady knocked on our door today. She was looking for the Stork's Nest office (the place we're staying.) It turns out she's trying to track down premie clothes for a friend who just had her baby at 26 weeks (not even a full pound). I invited her in so I could get her number. She made a comment that triggered my radar. Something just any other person wouldn't say. I could tell she was a military widow. Once I asked her, she told me she was married to a marine who died in Iraq four years ago and is now remarried to another marine. Of course, I shared my story, briefly, with her. She had never met anyone else who had been through any of that. She was surprised to find that I understood a lot of what she said. We only spoke about 30 minutes before she left. We traded numbers as well.
Backing up...
Last night, we went to AWANA. (The Bible based kids' club at the church.) While Koen was in his club, I went to an adult bible study. I turned off my cell phone so that I wouldn't disturb anyone. Well, after meeting the premie person above, I made a call to the chaplain's wife, whom we'd met on Sunday. I wanted to ask if she could pass the word that someone was in need of premie clothes, which are impossible to find here. She thought I was calling her back. Apparently, she had left me two messages earlier today saying she was going to the commissary and asking if I wanted to join her. Here's the amazing thing about that...
The lady who knocked on my door stepped in so I could get her number. I established in a moment that she was widowed at the same age I was. I asked her if she wanted something to drink and had time to stay and chat a little. She said, "Yes, but I have to leave by 12:30". I turned to look at the clock and it was 11:58 am. Guess what time the chaplain's wife had called me, according to my cell phone? Yep, 11:58. I was awed. The distraction of a ringing phone would likely have prevented the connection with this stranger.
The lady had shared with me that she struggled with God when her husband died. How could a loving God...? You can imagine the rest of that sentence. Well, at one point I said to her, "It was divine intervention that we met today." She knocked on the wrong door. Instead of walking away, she told me why she was looking for the Stork's Nest manager. Instead of simply directing her to the correct building, I offered to get involved and ask around for premie clothes. Why would I do that considering I know almost no one here? Instead of dropping the subject when she inadvertently let me know she was a widow, I asked the sensitive question. Instead of her avoiding the conversation, she embraced the opportunity to talk with me more. As she was leaving at 12:30, with a slightly sarcastic tone I said to her, "And people say there is no God." She agreed. To God be the glory, great things He hath done...and continues to do!
When we arrived at our cottage in Okinawa, we had four bedrooms to choose from. Koen and I made the rounds testing the mattresses to choose the most comfortable bed. It so happened that the most comfortable bed also happened to be in the room that was painted with stars, with glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Thus began our adventure last evening...
We lay in bed at 10 pm, staring at the ceiling, talking about things of no consequence. I asked Koen to choose and then describe to me the look and location of his favorite star or grouping of stars on the ceiling. Only a moment passed before he shared his find. He was great at explaining the design such that I found it in only a handful of seconds. We decided to name it the "Family". He then asked me to identify mine, which immediately took on the name the "Kite."
Once the favorites were identified, we began scanning the ceiling for patterns. We eventually named every constellation on our ceiling: Upside-Down, the Couple, the Glass, the Triangle, the Dog, Scooper, and the Cartwheel. We also identified the Northern and Southern stars. It was a great way to end our day, being creative, and being together.
I love those times with my son. They are markers for the past, present, and future of our relationship. We have spent years creating moments like these - spontaneous, fun-filled, creative, loving, snugly moments that continue even at 9.5 years old. Their enduring nature is symbolic of the strength of our relationship, our connection. I look forward with great anticipation to our future years of star-gazing, both indoors and out, pondering life, developing our creativity, and just plain being together. It doesn't get any better.
We took a field trip with a group of homeschooled families to Motobu, Okinawa yesterday. Our first stop was a recreational area called the Motobu Wellness area, where the kids made salt from seawater and traditional Japanese cookies. They all seemed to have a good time making the cookies and an even better time eating them. They tasted a little like sugar cookies and had a different texture and a slightly chalky aftertaste.
Koen and I prayed this morning after his Bible study. We asked God to use us to bless anyone we came into contact with today. Here is how God answered that prayer...
